Superpower: #aprillove2015 and First Thought, Last Thought: #aprilmoon15

generosityApril Love prompt, “my superpower”: Generosity. Attention, love, help, gifts. What I give always seems to find its way back to me, in tiny offerings and grand gestures — from a love note left on the kitchen counter to an entire jar full of every reason he loves me, from a half dozen fresh eggs to sitting with me as I cry about the news that my dog has cancer, from feeding me lunch to making me a beautiful mala, from leaving a blog comment or liking a Facebook post to making me a tiny precious book or writing me a letter.

April Moon prompt, “It’s the first thing that comes to mind when I wake in the morning and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.” It’s sad that my response to this is in direct opposition to my superpower. I am a giver, but my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night are of lack — there’s not enough time, I’m not getting enough done, I need to do more, but I’m so tired, what about me? I’m stuck attempting to work the same faulty math problem, believing that if I’m not getting what I want, what I need, then I need to work harder, do more, earn it. Generosity in this way moves from sanity — an act of wisdom and kindness, a deep knowing of what is needed and how to provide it — to neurosis. It shifts the feeling in my chest from a light, open, warm radiance to a constricted jittery panic, a weight and tension that makes it difficult to focus, hard to breathe. I’m working to shift this story, but it’s an old and sticky one that’s dug itself in deep. I practice generosity towards it too, giving it space, being soft and gentle, allowing and accepting it as it is, knowing that it isn’t as solid as it seems.

8 thoughts on “Superpower: #aprillove2015 and First Thought, Last Thought: #aprilmoon15

  1. Melinda

    WOW, did you write that second one just for me? Thank you thank you thank you. This is just the stuff I am working on and avoiding working on.

    Reply
  2. Jean-Nicole

    Oh Jill!!!!! Every time I read one of your posts, I am amazed at all you do. The links you give all of us (that set me exploring), show your curious mind, This blog, your teaching, your job, your yoga, all your practices – I could make an endless list of what you do, and I only “know you” from here. I am currently looking at all I do not do, trying to figure out and explore the difference between needs and wants, being aware of the word should, etc. I see you as a role model for me in many ways, as I aspire to do more.Wednesday night I listened to a call in with Geneen Roth (did you?) on the subject of “Enough.” You are enough Jill. You may always want to do more, because I think that’s inherent in curious, creative people. But, you are enough. I know you know how to be gentle. You called it generosity. Breathe this in – as the bracelet on my wrist says, “Compassion starts with me.” Blessings to you.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Thank you, Jean-Nicole. Especially for this, “You may always want to do more, because I think that’s inherent in curious, creative people.” I love how that reframes the wanting to do more for me. I feel myself relax a little when I read it.

      Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      I’m happy that now (unlike previously), I can simply notice what I’m doing and not beat myself up for it. I can see it and simply feel curious, think “isn’t that interesting, what’s that about?”

      Reply

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