10 | April | 2015 | A Thousand Shades of Gray

Sam and Ringo hiking with Dad

1. Our internet at home is fixed, and the technician who came was nice and knew what he was doing and not the same one who jumped our fence the other day while we were at work, cut our line, and left a big mess (all while Sam was thankfully asleep inside and unaware, otherwise the situation could have been so much worse). I didn’t mind not being able to use my computer for stuff because I could use my phone or do things at work, but it meant we didn’t have TV, (since our version of “TV” is a computer hooked up to our TV so we can watch Netflix and Hulu and such). I’m not dependent, but it is a key way I unwind for a few hours after a long day of work and I missed it. Although, I did get to watch Lady Sings the Blues last night, one of my favorite movies.

2. Eric hiking with the dogs. Because he had to rearrange his schedule to be home for the cable guy, it left him free this afternoon and even though I’m a little jealous because I have a shit ton of CSU work I need to finish today and will be at it the rest of the day, I’m glad they get to go have some fun.

3. Going home for lunch. It’s only about a three minute drive, and if there is something there I really want to eat, it’s the best spot in town for a casual lunch, a little break from work.

4. Signs of Spring and 5. Taking a break: Walking back from returning something at the library, I stopped and went mad taking pictures of the cherry trees in bloom. I can’t pick just one to share, so here are a few of my favorites.

Bonus Joy: Laughing, walking with the dogs, making myself the best mixtape on SoundCloud, glazed lemon zucchini bread, hummus and sweet potato tortilla chips, a big glass of cold water, a retreat with the Open Heart Project Sangha, the Daily Dharma Gathering, the best BLT I’ve had in a long time, puppies both old and young, skipping yoga all week after teaching a lot, sunny weather, teasing our neighbor about the zombie proof raised beds he was building, letting my fear be rather than wishing it away or getting sucked into its story, selecting and sending birthday presents to my mom and dad, working and being done with work.

April Love prompt, “my superpower”: Generosity. Attention, love, help, gifts. What I give always seems to find its way back to me, in tiny offerings and grand gestures — from a love note left on the kitchen counter to an entire jar full of every reason he loves me, from a half dozen fresh eggs to sitting with me as I cry about the news that my dog has cancer, from feeding me lunch to making me a beautiful mala, from leaving a blog comment or liking a Facebook post to making me a tiny precious book or writing me a letter.

April Moon prompt, “It’s the first thing that comes to mind when I wake in the morning and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.” It’s sad that my response to this is in direct opposition to my superpower. I am a giver, but my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night are of lack — there’s not enough time, I’m not getting enough done, I need to do more, but I’m so tired, what about me? I’m stuck attempting to work the same faulty math problem, believing that if I’m not getting what I want, what I need, then I need to work harder, do more, earn it. Generosity in this way moves from sanity — an act of wisdom and kindness, a deep knowing of what is needed and how to provide it — to neurosis. It shifts the feeling in my chest from a light, open, warm radiance to a constricted jittery panic, a weight and tension that makes it difficult to focus, hard to breathe. I’m working to shift this story, but it’s an old and sticky one that’s dug itself in deep. I practice generosity towards it too, giving it space, being soft and gentle, allowing and accepting it as it is, knowing that it isn’t as solid as it seems.