Category Archives: Three Truths and One Wish

Three Truths and One Wish

1. Truth: The current moment is A LOT. We are all holding space for so much, trying to keep ourselves and each other healthy and happy, safe and sane, even as it seems impossible, pummeled as we are on a daily basis by so much suffering, in ourselves and in the world. There is so much grief, violence, chaos, and confusion.

2. Truth: It can be hard to know what to do. Deciding where to focus our effort and energy is complicated. I can’t figure out how to narrow my intent and action down to “what’s most important” or “what breaks my heart” because for me it’s ALL OF IT, the full measure. I am overwhelmed by choice paralysis, by compassion fatigue, by my own ignorance and fear.

3. Truth: I’m not giving up. I’m not saying I know what to do or even have any kind of long term vision or plan or any hope, just that my intention is to keep going, to keep trying, to keep practicing — even when I don’t know what to do. Even if I don’t know what action to take, I can be here, really here, heart open and mind calm, willing to meet whatever might arise, to be patient with the not knowing.

One wish: “May we be safe from inner and outer harm,
may we be free from guilt, shame, and hatred,
may we enjoy mental and physical well being,
may we live with the ease of an open heart,
may we go beyond our inner darkness,
and awaken to our radiant true nature as boundless love.
May we express loving kindness toward each other so that war, conflict and every form of strife come to an end, allowing peace and harmony to pervade the entire world,” ~Anam Thubten 

Three Truths and One Wish

1. Truth: Grief is a timeless time. Yesterday would have been our first day at the beach, a trip we had to cancel, and I haven’t taught yoga or hugged any of my friends in almost four months. I don’t know when I’ll see my family again. For the past three weeks without Sam, I’ve been wondering around a little lost, sitting and staring off into space, completely unmotivated. Even more than before, I had a hard time remembering what day it was. I continued to meditate and write every day, read in bed at night while Eric and Ringo slept, text with my mom and my brother and Chloe’, write with Laurie, hang out with Mikalina. I went to the pool a few times and on one walk, but the rest of the time my body and mind were still, quiet, dull and fuzzy, irritated and apathetic. Grief simultaneously pulls you out of your life and drops you directly into its center, you can’t get back and you can’t get away.

2. Truth: This week I’m trying to get back into the routine of honoring my physical body. I’m trying to get on a schedule, give it more of what it needs, including sleep. Routines are easier for me because there’s no negotiation, it’s just what I do and I try not to deviate from that, no choice necessary, just do it. Yesterday Eric and I did a HIIT workout and then I did some yoga, and it immediately pulled me out of the funk I was in. This morning I went on a walk and am going to do a little yoga and get in the pool later. And yet, I have to be careful because I can use the attention I give my body as a way to distract from things I don’t want to feel, as an escape. It’s a delicate balance.

3. Truth: I’m trying to create a new normal, now that there’s no going back. I’m working to accept that things won’t ever be the same. Sam will stay gone. I might never go back to teaching yoga. We may have to stay isolated for a long time. This doesn’t mean I should give up, it doesn’t excuse me from effort. Either something will come of this, or the world will end, or about 1000 other possibilities. There’s no way to know; there never was. I can make the effort to ease suffering, leave things better than I found them, create some sort of legacy, even though this might be the end of the world in the middle of nowhere.

One wish: As the Dalai Lama said, “May the frightened cease to be afraid / And those bound be freed. / May the powerless find power / And may people think of benefiting each other.”