#reverb13: Day Five

reverb13Challenge: Did you take on a new challenge? What was it? Is there are challenge you deliberately avoided? What do you want to do to challenge yourself in 2014?

The new challenge was to shift my paradigm, my perspective and behavior, specifically in relation to food and my body, which leads to a shift in the whole shebang really. I entered the year feeling drained, having less energy, filled with a general sense of “this is not working.” I was tired of beating myself up, using criticism as a way to motivate myself, pushing past my limits, denying my needs, not allowing myself to have what I wanted, swinging between starving and stuffing myself, smashing myself to bits. It was a 30+ year failed experiment and I was finally willing to admit it and try something different.

At first, I sought out an expert, someone who could tell me what to do, fix me, heal me. I thought that meant I needed a new doctor, but we all know how that turned out, and I realized that it was actually about self-compassion, and the fact I wasn’t practicing it. I asked women I know to share their experience and practice, got a therapist, started practicing Intuitive Eating with an amazing group of women and brilliant facilitator to support me. I stopped dieting and weighing myself, stopped using external expectations as a measure of my worth, asked my body what it wanted to eat, how it wanted to move, what it needed. With help and support, I am becoming my own expert. I am saving myself by trusting myself.

gorgeous5mattebyandrea

another picture from my photo shoot with Andrea Scher

The challenges I’ve avoided are related to my old habit of attempting to fix everything, thinking I was responsible. There are some difficulties I’ve had to release, in part because they don’t belong to me, are someone else’s problem. I do what I can, what I need to, and let the rest go. I lowered the bar to give myself room, ease, a chance at some success.

What I want to challenge myself to in 2014 — stop being a student and become the teacher, recognize my own truth, honor my own wisdom and authority, immerse myself in yoga teacher training to continue to repair and deepen my relationship to my physical body, change how I spend money so I can use more to manifest the future I’m working towards, put together a beautiful book and continue writing the other one, open my heart to another dog knowing full well it will break my heart, continue choosing a way of being that allows my life to feel like I want it to feel, trust my intuition about what to do next.

What was the greatest risk you took in 2013? What was the outcome? I put myself out there, showed up as I am. One way I did that was to attend three workshops in California with people I adored, some of whom I’d never met in person. These people mattered to me, and there was a risk that we’d meet and feel “meh…” or even worse, “yuck!” That didn’t happen, in fact those connections were deepened, enriched by the time we spent together.

my friend Sherry Richert Belul, who I finally met in person this fall

Another way I showed up, was present is here, this blog.  I wrote a lot about my experience, my struggles and joys, and there’s again always a risk that my kind and gentle readers would respond with “meh…” or even worse, “yuck!” And maybe some did, but others of you have not only stuck around, but offered me such kindness and support. I am so grateful for you.

P.S. Since Besottment typically posts the prompts later in the day, rather than wait, or come back and add to an already published post, I’ve decided to simply respond to those a day late.

11 thoughts on “#reverb13: Day Five

  1. Frances D

    I love your smile. I need to address my own food issues this coming year in a big way. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat to celebrate. I love to cook and eat what I make. I love to dine out. You are seeing the pattern right?

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Thank you. 🙂

      I am seeing a pattern, but from what you are saying, I don’t see the problem — and that’s not even a joke. I come from people who know how to eat. If you are eating when you are hungry, eating what you want, stopping when you are full, and getting pleasure from eating, there’s not a problem. I’ve been reading Intuitive Eating (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/235869.Intuitive_Eating) with a group and led by a coach, and it is seriously changing how I view eating, exercise, my body.

      Reply
      1. Frances D

        I was always full figured. I used to do sales work where I was all over NYC on mostly foot or climbing subway stairs all day. Menopause, giving up the job and smoking several years agin have caused weight gain maximus.

  2. teryll s.

    Lovely post, Jill. It blows my mind we are our own food experts. I am learning how much I have looked to external sources to tell me how to eat, what to eat, when to eat (and this all relates to movement too) and how I have discarded my own wisdom, my own knowing! Who knows me better than lil’ ol’ ME?!?! So glad you’re part of our tribe!!!! 🙂

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      I’ve done it in every way possible, Teryll — I thought I had to earn everything, waited for permission, looked for someone to tell me what I was supposed to do, how to be, what to wear, how to look, think, talk. And the problem was not just that it was inaccurate, but when I didn’t measure up, I punished myself for it! Gah! “Oprah is NOT in your belly!” 🙂

      Reply
  3. Kat McNally

    I read this and all I can see is brilliance.
    You are a wise, luminous soul in an equally bright and beautiful body. x

    Reply
  4. Alane

    these are very powerful, honest posts jill. truly appreciated. i’m not sure i could answer all these prompts– i tend to let everything “go” a bit too much and don’t hold on to the details. these prompts really make you (and me) think. xo

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      I’m glad you are enjoying reading them. I am remembering how nice it was last year (the first time I did Reverb) to spend some time letting go of the year that’s passing and looking forward to the new, summing up that experience and then moving on. xo

      Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Thank you so much for that, Randi. My whole intention having a photo shoot with Andrea was to start being able to look at myself without judgement, to really see the whole person not a body measured against an external standard. We can get ourselves so turned around, can’t we? ♥

      Reply

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