Tag Archives: self hate

Something Good

1. Good stuff from Kat McNally: August Moon 13 and The push and pull of grateful.

2. Japanese Photographer Takes Cutest Pictures of His 4-year-old Daughter on Bored Panda.

3. How to talk to someone who’s grieving on Salon.

4. Wisdom from a Facebook post written by Elizabeth Gilbert, “I’ll tell you one of the really good things about getting older: Slowly, you start to work out a comprehension of your own inherent madness.”

5. Enough is Enough by Diane Clement.

6. 15 Ways to Spread Kindness in Your World Today on The Positivity Blog.

7. Grief Intelligence: A Primer on Huffington Post.

8. Not Knowing What to Say on Gluten Free Girl.

9. Need a totally profesh-sounding bio? Like, right now? A Mad Libs-style template for anyone, ever. from Alexandra Franzen.

10. I Believe An Introduction Is In Order. on Blog con Queso. There is almost nothing cuter than a boy and his dog, (unless it’s a girl and her dog).

11. Insights at the Edge, Sounds True interview, Tara Brach: Radical Acceptance.

12. Wisdom from Kurt Vonnegut, shared by Elizabeth on the Squam blog,

The arts are not a way to make a living.
They are a very human way of making life more bearable.
Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly,
is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake.
Sing in the shower.
Dance to the radio. Tell stories.
Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem.
Do it as well as you possibly can.
You will get an enormous reward.
You will have created something.

13. 20 Hilarious Cooking Fails That Will Make You Feel Like an Iron Chef on Bored Panda.

14. 21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed. I might have posted this before, but it is worth repeating.

15. C.O.G. – Official Trailer, this autobiographical comedy is the first-ever screen adaptation of the work of acclaimed writer David Sedaris and I can’t wait to see it.

16. How To Make Anyone (And Everyone) Want You on Mind Body Green.

17. The Most Honest And Heartbreaking Reason To Leave Your Front Door Unlocked I’ve Ever Heard on Upworthy.

18. She allowed ~ Bella on She is Three.

19. Colbert Takes On Out-Mayor Johnny Cummings.

20. Voice Notes: Laura Simms, an interview with one of my favorite women on The Voice Bureau. I hadn’t realized that both Laura and I are INFJ, (there aren’t that many of us, only about 1% of the population).

21. isolation never looked so goodfrom SF Girl by Bay. Dreamy.

22. Cleaning: A Creative Practice? on Scoutie Girl.

23. Shake the Dust.

24. 5 Keys to An Engaging Online Course on the Ruzuku blog.

25. 20 Historic Black and White Photos Colorized and The 50 Most Perfectly Timed Photos Ever from Twisted Sifter.

26. Recovering the Body, “Physical practices to foster recovery from addiction,” a new blog from Jennifer, the author of Guinevere Gets Sober, one of my favorite blogs, one of my favorite bloggers.

27. 17 Problems Only Book Lovers Will Understand on BuzzFeed.

28. Outside’s Best Towns 2013, Editor’s Choice: Fort Collins, Colorado. It is pretty great here.

29. Kid President is celebrating World Humanitarian Day!

30. More wisdom from Elizabeth Gilbert on Facebook,

We need you here NOW, as you are, which is almost certainly GOOD ENOUGH. Speak now. Act now. Try now. Raise your voice now. Throw your ideas into the ring now. Show somebody your work now. Ask for the promotion now. Present your questions and doubts and suggestions now.

31. Fear Project, from artist Julie M. Elman, “I illustrate people’s fears. Working with their words, I just try to visualize what those fears could possibly look like. I work quickly and post my pieces no matter how I feel about them. It’s a good way to get over any fears I have about the creative process.” Thanks to Jeff Oaks for sharing the link.

32. Wisdom from Seth Godin, “The Dummies mindset, the get-rich-quick long sales letters, the mechanistic, industrial processes aren’t on offer because they’re the best we can handle. No, they sell because they promise to reduce our fear.”

33. From Brave Girls Club,

Every day the sun comes up and every day the sun goes down. Every day we have an entire day to do the best we can do, and then we get to go to bed and be done with it. When we wake up every morning, we have the chance to start over with a sparkling brand new day. No blemishes, no stains, nothing . . . a brand new beautiful perfect day to make into whatever we choose. If we stumble and have a less than desirable day, or if we make mistakes, if we do things we are not proud of . . .

. . . we get to start over the next day.

Let each day go and be done with it. TODAY is your day. TODAY is THE day, the very most important day of your life right now. Let yesterday go and start over fresh.

34. 32 Books That Will Actually Change Your Life, according to BuzzFeed.

35. 5 Ways to Wake Up on Elephant Journal.

36. Wisdom from Anne Lamott on Facebook.

37. Wisdom from Tama J. Kieves,

Sometimes we don’t act because our souls know it’s not the right time or right thing. It’s not that we’re lazy. It’s that we’re fiercely guided. Fear tries to push us. Love will wait until we’re ready — because only our readiness makes it the right time.

38. Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Biggest Self-Hater of All? on Elephant Journal. Miriam Hall is one of my favorite Elephant Journal contributors.

39. The Making of a 21st-Century Illuminated Manuscript: Inside Debbie Millman’s Creative Process on Brain Pickings.

40. From Susannah Conway’s Something for the Weekend list, Chickpea Pesto Sandwich Recipe from Thug Kitchen.

41. Quite possibly the best video ever, OWN Original Shorts: Dogs/Meditation. The only problem with this video is that it’s not long enough.

Wishcasting Wednesday

from Jamie's post

What do you wish to rise above?

Blocking my feelings. Running away, refusing, numbing, avoiding, dismissing and denying the truth of how I feel, my real experience.

Rejecting my truth. Being stuck in old habits of trusting others over myself, looking to them for validation, searching for external answers, methods, strategies, techniques, permission, love, and approval. Resisting my wholeness, my worth. Denying the path, the experience, the practice, the purpose, the calling. Stubbornly walking in the exact opposite direction of true north, refusing to see or accept myself as I really am.

Self-hate. The petty, hateful, critical voice and behavior of ego. The smashing myself to bits.

Attachment. Clinging, resisting, practicing too tight, collapsing into grief, resisting the truth of impermanence, rushing after, reaching for, and grasping at what I want rather than being with what is.

Hope and fear. Both keep me from being fully in the present, which is the only place I can relax, be content, find joy–be fully alive and awake. If I am afraid, I am not in the present but rather am rejecting it, and if I am hoping, I’m reaching for some other time, some other circumstance, rather than connecting to reality.

Judgement and aggression. Inability to forgive, to let go, to relax. Attraction and aversion rather than acceptance. Desire for vengeance, retribution, justice, and punishment.

Discursive thinking and habitual patterns. Obsession with and attachment to things that no longer serve me. Things sticky, stuck, deeply rooted, old, moldy and musty, rotten and wrecked.

Ego. Dissolving this is most likely the key to rising above everything else.

Three Truths and One Wish

This morning, I finished reading “There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate” by Cheri Huber. As a way of helping me process some of what I learned, I’m focusing this post on truths from the book.

1. Truth: As children, we learn that love, acceptance, and approval are “out there” and must be earned somehow. I heard this idea first in one of Brene’ Brown‘s books, that when we are young, 0-5 or so, we view love and attention as survival issues, because we are aware that we are dependent on others to have our needs met–unless we can get others to love and care for us, we’ll literally die. We believe we must earn our very survival, get others to meet our needs.

Dressy Bessy

Me and Dressy Bessy, Early 70's

Then, even later in our lives, we don’t look to ourselves for love or care, don’t see them as needs we can meet. “Without feeling full ourselves, what looks like generosity and kindness is often a backwards plea to get our own needs met. A silent, ‘If I meet your needs, you must meet mine,’ ” (“Start With You” by Nona Jordan). Some of us, without even being conscious of it, stay stuck in this way of being. Stuck in looking to others for love, acceptance, and approval, we don’t learn to love, appreciate, accept, care for, or trust ourselves, we try to earn it.

2. Truth: Stuck here, we believe if our needs aren’t met, it’s because we’ve failed. We need others to meet our needs and when they aren’t, when they don’t, it’s because we aren’t good enough, we’re flawed or broken. If only we could please or perform, be perfect, we would get what we need. We don’t believe we can provide for ourselves. We become self-hating, self-destructive, self-denying, and smash ourselves to bits to try and be what we think others want. We believe we aren’t loved or accepted because something is wrong with us. We spend our attention, time, effort, and energy trying to be good, earn approval, get permission, please others by being perfect. It’s like that cellphone commercial where the guy keeps saying “can you hear me now?” but instead we are saying “do you love me now?”

3. Truth: The way out of self-hate is to learn to love and accept yourself, exactly as you are. No need for self-improvement or change, no need to earn this. We can simply drop the trying, the smashing ourselves to bits, and accept ourselves–simple in theory, but hard to do when something is so old and deep and sticky, but it’s workable, and worthwhile to try. And the good news is:

We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves–the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds–never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake. ~Pema Chödrön

Brave Belly

One wish: That we all know our basic goodness, remember it, have faith in it, trust it. “If you are ever going to be free, you must be willing to prove to yourself that your inherent nature is goodness, that when you stop doing everything else, goodness is what is there,” (Cheri Huber). Goodness that is loving and accepting, that can provide everything you need. “We think we are rocks, but we are gold.” May we all embody and manifest this truth.

There’s so much more truth in Cheri Huber’s book, 300 rather than just three. I put folds in the top corners of 37 pages, the places where something shimmered, the brilliant glittery light of truth almost burned through the page, made my eyes tear up. Letting go of self-hate is important work. For those of us working with it, (here’s your bonus wish), may we accomplish it quickly and without obstacle so we can get on with the good work of loving ourselves and being of benefit to others in their struggle, so that we can ease suffering in the world.

Three Truths and One Wish

The theme of last week’s A Year With Myself (AYWM) was “In Love With Me: Getting Good at Self-Love and Self-Acceptance.” I had a rough time of it. I was in this place, deep and old and sticky, where I could see, was aware, but couldn’t seem to move. It felt like I was stuck in cement. I felt broken and hopeless. “All this work, all this time, and I am still here?”

As I have mentioned before, I realized last year that I was in a long term abusive relationship–with myself. I had lost Kelly and Obi to cancer, was reeling from a longstanding abusive work situation, and dealing with some difficult family situations. I was carrying around so much grief, carried it into the year that followed. I couldn’t seem to let go, to process everything that had happened. I was a ghost, broken down the middle. And, like Jackie Walker said in AYWM Chapter Four, “The boat was safe, and it floated. The fact that it was uncomfortable, and going in the wrong direction didn’t matter, until it did.” What I knew was that I had to save myself. So, not knowing exactly how, I started.

Since that realization, I have been trying to be a better friend to myself, to even love myself, to learn how to do these things. But, 30+ years of habitual patterns, ways of being is really hard to shift. Maybe the worst of it is I generate even more suffering by punishing myself, criticizing the fact that I am smashing myself to bits–I beat myself up for not getting there yet, then beat myself up for beating myself up. It is utterly ridiculous.

As I try, struggle, fuss, collapse, get back up, and let go, I practice patience, love, forgiveness, kindness. I am unlearning self-hate and relearning self-love. I am figuring out how to care for myself, really care and not just feed my neurosis, fuel my dis-ease. I am creeping, crawling my way towards the truth, one small step at a time, sometimes on broken hearted knees.

Brave Belly


1. Truth: Your relationship with yourself is the only one that will last your whole life. It is the only one you can trust will remain. Everything, everyone else will at some point leave, be lost, or let go. Our relationship with our self, that partnership with our one true soulmate, is the only constant. Everything else is external, apart in a way that makes it transient and impermanent. All the other people, places, things, (even our own body), will eventually leave us, fail us, even if they don’t want to, even if they desire and try to stay. But You, you can count on her. She will never leave you, and if you would only let her, she will always love you.

:: Something to read:It’s You” from Tiny Buddha.

2. Truth: No one can ever give you all that you can give yourself. As Daniel Collinsworth explained to me, “be the source of what you need, let it come from that central still point. When you feel that restless searching bubbling up, stay with it — let it show you where that healing and restoration is needed.  The rest is a journey that unfolds in time, not always easy, but so worth it.” Remain kind, gentle, patient, mindful, and aware. Relax and trust your own intuition, your own voice, your understanding of what you need and who you are. That self, You, can be trusted. She is faithful and committed, and if you would only let her, she will always love you.

:: Something to read:The Great Lesson of Loneliness” by Daniel Collinsworth on Metta Drum.

3. Truth: The best you have to offer, the best you can be is exactly who you already are. You have nothing better to give. Who you become for others or who you trick yourself into believing you are can only ever be a deluded, weakened, watered down version of your true nature, your essence, your power.

We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.”
― Pema ChödrönStart Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

One wish: Easily and naturally arising self-love and self-care in our lives. “If we are doing our true work and living authentically, it will be with ease, naturalness,” (Gwyn-Michael on Scoutie Girl, “Returning to Self and Life’s Simple Pleasures“). My wish is that we unlearn all the bad habits, the ways of being that no longer serve us, and we learn to love our self, be our self wholeheartedly and completely, always.  And that we remember if you would only let her, she will always love you.