Daily Archives: December 26, 2014

Reverb 14: Day 26

reverb14withtextProject Reverb prompt: “What gave you energy this year? What took away your energy?”

This is a sensitive subject for me. I have struggled with fatigue for almost four years. I’ve gone to various doctors and had many tests to try and determine a specific cause, but no luck. I’ve changed my diet, my thyroid medication, my activity level, and how I sleep. I’ve tried both resting more and being more active. I’ve investigated issues related to my auto-immune disorder, considered perimenopause and adrenal gland fatigue and food allergies. Nothing really seems to answer the question: why am I so tired all the time?

What I do know is that I’m depleted from years of pushing myself too hard, allowing myself to get overwhelmed, going until I crash and burn, not eating when I’m hungry, restricting and denying my hunger, starving and then stuffing myself, suffering and grieving without allowing for healing, being crippled by anxiety and tension, not getting enough sleep — but are these the symptoms or the cause?

I felt the tiniest bit better this year. I am on new thyroid medication. I stopped dieting. I work out less. I’m not as tense so I sleep better. I meditate and practice yoga and take long walks with my dogs. But the real, fundamental change is that I treat myself better, take better care of myself. I am mindful that the true “cure” for me lies in self-compassion. I say “no.” I reject any agenda, all the shoulds. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable or they think it’s wrong or don’t like it, I do what is best for me, my own health and wellness. I don’t need anyone else to agree or understand it. I don’t need anyone else’s permission.

I suppose that’s the fundamental shift: I stopped trying so hard to please, perform, or be perfect. I lowered the bar. I turned my attention inward. I became my own guru, my own healer. Sure I get support and information and even guidance from others, but I am the expert. When it comes to me and what I need, I am the authority.

Gratitude Friday

1. The amazing sky on Christmas morning. It’s always so pretty around here, and I’m grateful every day to be up and out early enough to see the sunrise, but yesterday the sky was really showing off.

2. A white Christmas. Mid afternoon, it started to snow, which made for a kind of miserable afternoon walk but a gorgeous morning with about six inches of snow on the ground. It’s a great excuse to shower, change into a clean pair of pjs, and stay on the couch the rest of the day — that is, until it’s time to walk these two again.

whitechristmas3. Presents. I’m not gonna lie, I love getting presents. Maybe it’s because the people who buy them for me are so good at it. Some of my favorites were all the marionberry stuff (jelly, sauce, jam, and candies), blank journals, and a Kindle. I also loved imagining “my” Pine Ridge kids opening their presents from me.

marionberrypresents4. Peppermint. In my cocoa and tea, sprinkled on white chocolate covered pretzels, used to flavor cookies, minty and sweet and warm.

5. Christmas Eve, going for Chinese food at our favorite restaurant and then watching “Elf” together with the twinkly lights on.

Bonus Joy: Talking to my mom, texting with my brother, our Happy Hearth fireplace dvd, snow tires, early morning yoga, Christmas cards, couching.