Tag Archives: Project Reverb

Reverb 14 and December Reflections

smileselfieThis morning I put the finishing touches on the Self-Compassion Saturday ebook. If you’ve been keeping score, that project ended one year ago. The ebook is something I’ve been planning to get done for a long time, had promised. I kept setting the intention, a goal, committing to a specific finish date, and that would pass and it still wouldn’t be done. First I thought I’d get it done that first Winter Break, but I was so worn out from the year before and we were getting ready for a new puppy so I decided to take it easy on myself. Then I thought it would be complete before we left for summer vacation, but with a new puppy and me starting yoga teacher training, there was just too much going on. Then I thought I’d finish it before I went back to work in the fall, but the puppy and the training were still so much harder than I’d imagined. Then I decided for sure I’d get it done by the end of the year, trying not to cringe that it would be a whole year later, so late. All of it was a great exercise in self-compassion — I would fail, not beat myself up for it, and begin again.

But in this case done was more like almost done. As I wrapped it up this morning, I realized I would have to go to my CSU office to convert the file to a PDF, and there certainly will be issues with the conversion that I’ll have to address before it’s done, done. Then there’s emailing it to the women involved, and announcing and putting it up on the blog. There are still things to do, but it feels good to be finally this close.

Part of the hold up was that there was another book that wanted to be written. Because it’s about my self-compassion journey, I couldn’t figure out if it was part of this ebook. I kept getting the two confused. In my bewildered state, I couldn’t find my way in, figure out how to start. On retreat with Susan Piver recently, I finally came to some understanding. I wrote the opening of that other book and realized what it was, what it wanted to say, that it was its own thing, another beast altogether. In that way, I was released, able to focus on the ebook without distractions. Plus I had the time off work, the space in my schedule.

Vacation is a difficult place for me. Vacation means time away from my CSU work but not much time away from working, from doing. It’s the time when there is room in my days to be able to focus on all the other things that normally have to wait, get overlooked or ignored. That’s everything from working on a book to cleaning out my closets to taking the occasional nap. For example, I signed up for an online dog training class this summer, and even though it was only five weeks long, we were given access to the materials for six months. That time is almost up, and my plan was to go through them over Winter Break, to collect the information I wanted to save and apply it, spend some extra time working with Sam and Ringo. The desire to do so is tangled up with guilt over the money I spent and have thus far “wasted,” and shame about how “untrained” my dogs are.

vacationcouchingIn the last few days, I’ve been considering the fact that I might need to just let the whole thing go, to give myself a break. It might be time to admit that the expectation I could have perfectly trained dogs by the end of a two week break, along with everything else I did and was planning to do, is a tad unrealistic. I can’t do everything. That might seem obvious, but I struggle with accepting it.

I got an annual blogging report from WordPress yesterday. Apparently I started off 2014 by blogging 34 days straight. I’m ending the year by doing almost the same thing, having blogged almost every day in December, sometimes posting twice. Today is the second to last day for Reverb 14 and December Reflections. I’ve done most of the prompts for both, blogging and posting pictures to Instagram, but when I read the prompts for today, I just couldn’t find the energy I needed to make the effort. This voice in me said “I don’t wanna, do I have to?” and was followed by the glorious realization: no, if I don’t want to, I don’t have to.

So there.

Reverb 14: Day 29

Project Reverb prompt: “Describe a typical day-in-the-life. Give us details! Give us pictures! Sometimes our days can seem boring. Is that okay? What do you do to make your days feel a bit special?”

I wake up at 5 am. Doesn’t matter what day of the week or season of the year, it’s always 5 am. It used to be 4:30, but that felt too early. Eric tells the dogs “go outside and go potty” and feeds them when they come back in. I make a half cup of coffee and say “good morning” to everyone before going back to my office. I sit at my writing desk and meditate for about 10 minutes. I either use the Insight Meditation Timer app on my phone, or I watch an Open Heart Project video, listen to Susan Piver give a short talk and then sit with her. After that, I write for at least half an hour.

When I’m done writing, I either go on a walk with the dogs or to a yoga class, where sometimes I’m a student and sometimes the teacher. One morning a week, I work out with my trainer after yoga, but usually after a walk or a class, I shower and eat, get ready to go to work.

Sometimes work is CSU, sometimes it’s a blog post. Either way, I’m writing, and listening to music while I do. I have a subscription with Rhapsody, so I can listen to just about anything I’m currently in the mood for, and have a few playlists I’ve made for myself with some of my favorites. I check in with Facebook and my email, send some messages, consider what absolutely has to get done “today” and make a short list, a plan of sorts, but I also remain open to whatever might arise. In my life and my work, things are always happening, surprising me. I never know exactly what to expect so I don’t have a rigid agenda. I’m okay with being interrupted, redirected. If I have scheduled commitments, I show up, but beyond that I allow things to happen as they happen, let the day unfold as it will.

If I’m at home for lunch, I fix something. I might make extra that we can have for dinner too, like a big bunch of kale and brussel sprout salad. If it’s going to take some time, I like to listen to a podcast while I chop and measure and mix ingredients. If I’m at work, I either run out for something or eat whatever I brought with me, and usually eat it in front of my computer while checking Facebook and such.

comfortfoodWhat happens after lunch depends on my energy level. As I mentioned the other day, I’ve been struggling with fatigue for the past few years, and sometimes in the afternoon I hit a wall. I might read or take a nap or do some more writing, but whatever it is usually happens more slowly, with more ease. I answer more emails and address anything else that’s come up that needs my immediate attention. Some days, I get to go on the afternoon walk with the dogs too. We go for about an hour, walk to City Park and around and back, in that part of the day that is sometimes super quiet and sometimes super crowded, usually depending on the weather. If I’m doing CSU work however, I’m in my office until 5 pm and miss the walk.

cozyWhen I get home, I immediately change into something more comfortable. I don’t want to offend you, kind and gentle reader, but one of the best moments of my day is when I get to finally take my bra off. I hang out with Eric and the dogs in the kitchen, or maybe watch a bit of TV or read. Eric usually fixes dinner for us, and I am either keeping him or the dogs company. We eat and then I check in one last time with my email and such. Then Eric and I watch TV together, which really is just an excuse so that we can “trade some” — what we call it when we massage each other, something we do every night. I highly recommend it.

By about 8 pm, we are in bed. I confess I have a bad habit of playing on my phone for about 10-15 minutes before going to sleep. I got a Kindle for Christmas, so I can start reading for those few minutes instead. There are all sorts of studies out saying how bad that is for your sleep and overall health, but it’s a habit I’m not willing to give up just yet.

I’m sure my life seems boring to other people. I am an introvert and a homebody who finds great comfort in quiet, simple routine. I know who I am, what I want and how I want to feel, and my days honor all those things.