Reverb 14: Day 26

reverb14withtextProject Reverb prompt: “What gave you energy this year? What took away your energy?”

This is a sensitive subject for me. I have struggled with fatigue for almost four years. I’ve gone to various doctors and had many tests to try and determine a specific cause, but no luck. I’ve changed my diet, my thyroid medication, my activity level, and how I sleep. I’ve tried both resting more and being more active. I’ve investigated issues related to my auto-immune disorder, considered perimenopause and adrenal gland fatigue and food allergies. Nothing really seems to answer the question: why am I so tired all the time?

What I do know is that I’m depleted from years of pushing myself too hard, allowing myself to get overwhelmed, going until I crash and burn, not eating when I’m hungry, restricting and denying my hunger, starving and then stuffing myself, suffering and grieving without allowing for healing, being crippled by anxiety and tension, not getting enough sleep — but are these the symptoms or the cause?

I felt the tiniest bit better this year. I am on new thyroid medication. I stopped dieting. I work out less. I’m not as tense so I sleep better. I meditate and practice yoga and take long walks with my dogs. But the real, fundamental change is that I treat myself better, take better care of myself. I am mindful that the true “cure” for me lies in self-compassion. I say “no.” I reject any agenda, all the shoulds. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable or they think it’s wrong or don’t like it, I do what is best for me, my own health and wellness. I don’t need anyone else to agree or understand it. I don’t need anyone else’s permission.

I suppose that’s the fundamental shift: I stopped trying so hard to please, perform, or be perfect. I lowered the bar. I turned my attention inward. I became my own guru, my own healer. Sure I get support and information and even guidance from others, but I am the expert. When it comes to me and what I need, I am the authority.

I'd love to hear what you think, kind and gentle reader.

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