Reverb14: Day 19

reverb14withtext

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you wrestle with in 2014?  What did you learn?  What challenges do you foresee in 2015?”

I wrestled with conflicting desires. On the one hand, I want to do a good job at CSU, earn my benefits and pay, but on the other hand I’m yearning to do more of my own thing, teaching and writing outside that context. On the one hand, I want to be in relationship and of service, but on the other hand I want to be utterly alone and selfish. On the one hand I want to be a part of the digital world, but on the other hand I want to be disconnected. On the one hand I want to have all the things, but on the other hand I want nothing more than a simple, minimal life.

I wrestled with time. There’s so much I want to do on any given day, and then there are the necessities of things like sleeping and taking a shower and feeding myself, and I try to fit it all in but there just isn’t enough time.

I wrestled with grief and impermanence. I still miss Dexter so much, Obi too. I have two dogs and love them, but they’ll die too, as will everyone I love. As will I.

I wrestled with myself. With my own suffering and confusion, with my ego, with my impatience and discomfort and irritation, with the ways of being and habits that no longer serve me, with the short sighted ways I try to soothe and comfort myself.


Reverb14 Prompt: “What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?”

Repeating numbers. Time (11:11 am) and word counts for something I’m writing (1111). The colors turquoise and purple. All things related to practice, specifically writing and yoga and meditation, showing up in places you wouldn’t expect them.

But I don’t know if these are signs meant to lead me somewhere so much as things I’m noticing because I’m looking for them, because I’m paying attention and already know where I’m going – like when you are looking for a particular street, knowing once you find it that’s where you’ll turn.

2 thoughts on “Reverb14: Day 19

  1. barbranostay

    All of the things you wrestle with are the same things I wrestle with and I imagine most of us wrestle with – so, while this is not a particularly insightful observation, you are in good company, Jill! I believe it is called “la condition humaine” / the human condition .
    I enjoy the honesty in your writing – you really “hit the nail on the head ” sometimes!

    Reply

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