Reverb14 | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

Project Reverb prompt: “What’s on tap for next year? Share your big (or small) goals with us. Why did you pick those goals? Are these things you’ve always wanted to do? How are you going to get them done?”

My guiding word for next year is “nourish.” This means to feed and to cherish, my primary goals for the coming year. This will require making some very clear, careful choices. I need to consider exactly what I want to feed, what I cherish. Earlier in this year’s reverbing, I mentioned the story Pema Chödrön tells about feeding the right wolf. It’s from the first chapter of her book Taking the Leap.

There was a story that was widely circulated a few days after the attacks of September 11, 2001, that illustrates our dilemma. A Native American grandfather was speaking to his grandson about violence and cruelty in the world and how it comes about. He said it was as if two wolves were fighting in his heart. One wolf was vengeful and angry, and the other wolf was understanding and kind. The young man asked his grandfather which wolf would win the fight in his heart. And the grandfather answered, “The one that wins will be the one I choose to feed.”

I want to feed and cherish my relationships. My marriage, my friendships, my family, my dogs, my self.

I want to feed and cherish my work. I’m not sure of the specifics, but it will certainly involve writing and teaching.

I want to feed and cherish my practice — writing, meditation, yoga, and dog.

I want to feed and cherish my body. To continue to find all the ways it wants to be healthy, how I can support its wellness, how I can be embodied sanity.

I want to feed and cherish my creativity. Reading, making art, taking long walks with a camera in my pocket, enjoying what other artists offer.

Yes, I brought twinkle lights with me on retreat. Somehow I needed them.

This is my last morning on retreat with Susan Piver at Shambhala Mountain Center. It is also the shortest day and longest night of the year. It’s super windy outside this morning and I still need to shower and pack before heading to breakfast. We’ll walk up together to meditate and write in the stupa this morning, and later I’ll drive home and see my tiny family and most likely crap out for the rest of the day. A lot has happened in the past few weeks and I am really tired right now, but also feeling so content and strong. I’ve had a better internet connection here than the last time I stayed, so I can share this with you now, kind and gentle reader.

Reverb14: Day 20

Project Reverb prompt: “What products have you discovered this year that you love? Tell us all about them, and why you love them.”

This isn’t a product so much as a person, although she does produce a sort of product – music: Daniella Andrade. I am especially in love with her Christmas EP right now. She has such a beautiful voice.

Reverb14 prompt: “How could you make space for joy in the year to come? How could you protect it?”

It seems like the key to making space for joy is making space for me to relax. I don’t mean the sloppy or asleep kind of relaxing, but rather what happens when I stop pushing, rushing, smashing and grabbing.

Reverb14: Day 21

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you get rid of this year? Physical things you tossed out or donated? Or did you purge a bad relationship, job, etc…?”

We let go of our land line. I cleaned out my linen closet. I got rid of clothes that were uncomfortable, worn, or things I just didn’t like or wear. I stopped dieting and weighing myself. I’m slowly allowing my hair to revert to its natural coloring without highlights and I’m not getting it cut so much. The thing I still haven’t been able to do, even though he’s been gone for almost a year and a half, is to change the lock screen image on my phone from the picture of my sweet Dexter.

Reverb14 prompt: “Today, I’d like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14. How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty? Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:

In 2015, I am open to…
In 2015, I want to feel…
In 2015, I will say no to…
In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…
In December 2015, I want to look back and say…”

I would say the same things I did on December 1^st, and the only thing I might add is that even though I might understand bad things happen, can happen at any time, I am still surprised and upset when they do, and knowing what can happen doesn’t make it any easier when it does.

In 2015, I am open to new opportunities, whatever might arise and surprise me, take me in a direction I wasn’t necessarily expecting.

In 2015, I want to feel nourished, fed and cherished. I want to feel joy. I want to feel love. I want to feel ease and comfort.

In 2015, I will say no to taking on more than I can handle, things that feel like a “should,” anything motivated by aggression, smashing myself to bits or beating myself up, restriction and control, moving or eating in a way that isn’t about being hungry for it.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when I feel at ease and clear. But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly redirect, let go and come back.

In December 2015, I want to look back and say I’m healthy and well, made choices guided by wisdom and compassion.