Reverb 2013: Day 23

reverb13Project Reverb prompt: “The race set out for you | Tell us about how you’ve been running along in 2013 and the race(s) you intend to run in 2014.  These can be literal races or just the road of life.  What did your path look like this year, and are you choosing the same for 2014?”

When it comes to racing, I am more the tortoise than the hare. I am moving along at what seems like a slow pace, externally not really getting anywhere, and then, BAM, I’m done, crossing the finish line. It’s always been like this. It can be incredibly frustrating, because as I’m in it, it seems to me too like I’m not getting anywhere, certainly not fast enough, and yet it always seems to work out. This has taught me to be happy with the process, to not get so caught up in an external measure of productivity. I’ll get there when I get there, and it will take as long as it takes.

Besottoment Reverb 2013 prompts:Do you remember any of your goals and resolutions from 2013? What were they? Did you accomplish them? If not, why not?”

The last resolution I made was three years ago when I decided to “be a better friend to myself.” In the years since, I haven’t made resolutions or set goals, but rather chose a word, a concept that described best how I wanted to feel, what I wanted to experience, but left the details a mystery. So far, it’s totally worked for me, this year being no different. I chose “freedom” as my word, and what I know now is that the biggest obstacle to my freedom was ME. I needed to get out of my own way.

What was your most memorable trip in 2013? Who were you with? Where was it? Why was it memorable?”

My three trips to California in the fall of this year blur together into one long magical trip, memorable. I would fly home, spend a month integrating what I’d learned, and then fly back to learn something new. The first trip was about showing up, “taking my place at the table.” The second trip was about simplicity and gentleness, creativity without judgement. The third trip was about honoring my own authority, coming home to myself. 27 Powers Court and the women who practiced and taught there with me were the through line, the “creamy center.”

What was your most saddest moment in 2013? What were the circumstances? Did the event strengthen you? Humble you?”

Ugh. The morning Dexter had a massive nose bleed, and I knew it meant we’d have to let him go. Remembering the night before when I listened to his labored breathing and said to Eric, “I don’t think we have much time left with him.” Waiting for the vet to come, knowing once she did it would be almost over. Taking him on his last walk, knowing it was the last walk. His last breath. Leaving him at the place we had him cremated. Coming back to a house empty of him. Going to bed without him. Waking up without him. Taking that first walk without him. Yesterday, this morning, and now as I cried, missing him. So much sad. And as always, my heart broke open, is somehow stronger for the breaking. I am humbled, awed, even grateful, because as sad as I am, as much as this hurts is exactly equal to how much joy, how much love.

What phrase or saying did you pick up in 2013? What is it? Where (or who) did you pick it up from?”

Just recently it’s been, “don’t should all over yourself,” and I read it first in this post on Chookooloonks.

I'd love to hear what you think, kind and gentle reader.

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