Daily Archives: January 27, 2012

landed on both my broken hearted knees

I had a bit of a meltdown today. I came home sick yesterday afternoon, felt generally cruddy, achy and tired. I woke up this morning feeling the same, inside and out.

I am becoming aware, but still stuck in the same old patterns–I can see where I am, but I can’t seem to move. Reading “The Great Lesson of Loneliness” on Metta Drum this morning, I broke down. This was the comment I left for Daniel:

Crap…crap, crap, crap.

*sigh*

The thought swirling around in my head this past week is “This isn’t working for me anymore. It never really did.” I think this as I continue to keep on keepin’ on, as if I think I simply haven’t figured out the right way to get this to work, like if I can just get the mix right, more of this and a little less of that, move that over here and get rid of that altogether, this can still work, I can make this work–but it won’t.

And this, “There’s just no other way around it. Without self-love, you look to others for validation and approval. You externalize your power. You wait for outside signals to let you know that it’s OK to accept yourself, to love yourself, to be yourself” cuts right through, right to the heart of it, cracks it wide open and won’t let the lie stand.

So, you say “Once you begin this process in earnest, you’ll find that when approval and validation do come to you from others, it feels beautifully complementary rather than vitally necessary.” Do you promise? I need this to be workable, because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep doing it like this, it’s not working…and yet, it’s still so hard, because I am in that place of being able to see it, but also knowing the change comes so slowly with something so deep and old and sticky.

*sigh*

Thank you.

I was shaky and raw, I was dizzy and felt like I had heartburn. Sometimes, something can be so true that it feels like a knife, cutting right through the delusion, right through your skin and bone.

His response was:

I promise… based on one condition: You start with “No one in this world can ever give me more than I can give myself.” And then be the source of what you need, let it come from that central still point. When you feel that restless searching bubbling up, stay with it — let it show you where that healing and restoration is needed. The rest is a journey that unfolds in time, not always easy, but so worth it.

I accepted his deal, and walked around today repeating the mantra: No one in this world can ever give me more than I can give myself. And then, I read the “a little bird told me, your daily truth” for today from the Brave Girls Club, and it said:

If we can close our eyes and slow our breathing and think really really hard for just a moment, we can look back and find moments when we met exactly the right person when it seemed that all hope was lost, or found exactly the right article to tell us what we needed to know, or heard exactly the right song with exactly the right words that we were absolutely sure was written just for us.

If we are honest down to our very souls, we have to see it, we have to realize it, that no matter how dismal things may seem, no matter how alone we might feel in this moment, that all along, from the very time we were born, all along things happened that got us through. It wasn’t always easy and sometimes we were clumsy, sometimes we did it through eyes so filled with tears that we could barely see.

This is workable. I can do this, make my way through. Tonight, I sat at my writing desk and put together this found poem:

Joy Jam

What were the 3-5 things that gave you joy this week?

1. Oatmeal with peaches.

2. Sick days. Okay, I don’t like feeling sick, don’t like having to take time off from all the things I wish I were doing instead, but…paid sick leave, clean sheets (my favorite set), down blankets on both the couch and the bed, naps, flannel pjs and wool slippers, hot soup and oatmeal, new episodes of 30 Rock on hulu.com (finally), snow falling outside, dogs who like to cuddle–it’s not all bad.

3. Sleeping dogs. Way too cute, probably so cute it’s not even legal. I came out yesterday, and Dexter was napping in the sun in Obi‘s chair, and then, just now, I caught him cuddled with Sam on the couch.

4. Ingrid Michaelson‘s new album, “Human Again,” and tickets to go see her when she’s next in Boulder, at my favorite venue with one of my favorite people.

5. “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by the women of Glee. I have a sentimental attachment to Roberta Flack’s version of this, but as they often do, Glee stayed true to what was good about that, and made it their own, not better but different while just as good.

Joy to you, lovely people. It’s time for me to take another nap.

Small Stone: Day 27

Small Stone: the sky, in me

The sky this morning is heavy, gray, foggy, and cold, with just the slightest hint of light. I close my eyes and look inside, realize that it’s a mirror of my internal landscape in this moment. The snow falls slowly, and I make a silent wish that it keeps up, blankets us in quiet and white.