I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past few days (weeks, months, years), tired and weak. There is so much I have to do, so much I want to do, and so little time. Being someone who is not good at self-care, who doesn’t respect her own limits, aggravates the situation. I push, I don’t rest enough, I rely on unhealthy and unsustainable boosts to my energy, and I get run down or sick or neurotic, none of which are states in which anything of worth is accomplished.
Today, in an attempt to be more mindful of what I truly needed, or rather what I didn’t need, I did things on my to-don’t list. I didn’t eat lunch because I’d eaten a big breakfast and wasn’t hungry for it. I didn’t skip the second dog walk of the day or the two hour nap afterwards. I didn’t catch up on my Ordinary Courage class homework. I didn’t answer emails, I didn’t even read some of them. I didn’t do laundry, didn’t clean. I didn’t go to yoga so that I could go to dinner with Eric instead. I didn’t ignore the dogs because I was too busy working. I didn’t feel guilty for all the things on the to-do list that didn’t get done–wait, yes I did, but not as much as I typically would, and I certainly didn’t spend as much time beating myself up about it.
I feel really good about where I am at in my life, in my life-rehab. I am learning so much, feeling joy and creating, being brave and vulnerable. But sometimes, regret sneaks up on me. There is so much good happening–“Why wasn’t I doing this sooner? I have wasted so much time!” This way of thinking has the capacity to freeze me where I am, to stop me completely. “With all the time I have already wasted, how little I might have left, what’s the point of trying? I’ll only be disappointed by how little I am able to do, how much opportunity has been lost. Why bother?”
But then I remember the time I spent wasn’t wasted. I had to live through that, be so stuck and numb and confused. I had to understand that way of being from the inside. “Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it need to be. Don’t think that you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now, and now is right on time.” ~Asha Tyson
A few things that helped me today:
- “106 Excuses That Prevent You From Ever Being Great“
- “Wise Person Call with Brene Brown,” an hour long video in which Jennifer Louden talks with Brene’ Brown about all kinds of important stuff. Seriously, I want these two to get married and then adopt me.
- “The Sisyphean Task,” in which Jo Anna Rothman says:
Instead of losing yourself in the climb, make it your practice to shine like the beacon you are. Guide. Illuminate. Cheer. Teach. Love. But leave the pushing behind. Begin walking with love in your heart. Compassion filling each step. Feel the lightness, the levity that comes when all you are responsible for is your own blessed experience. Know with each step forward, you inspire others to drop their Sisyphean task and glide, with grace and ease, toward the peak.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
- I’m going to try again tomorrow. What about you?