Daily Archives: October 7, 2011

Let go.

Dear kind and gentle reader,

I have been in a funk all day, generally fussy, frustrated and foggy. It actually started yesterday.  I was sad about Steve Jobs, but it was a tender and raw sad that made me recommit to having a life that was whole and real.  Then I remembered that Saturday, tomorrow, is my friend Kelly’s birthday.  She passed away on May 14, 2010, and I spend every day missing her, but again this is a sadness that, though deeper than the other, fuels my desire to live a better life, to not give up.

Then I got some family news that I won’t share here, but I’ll just say that we must remember that even when we can’t keep someone we love safe, when we can’t help them and they don’t seem to want or be able to help themselves, when we have trouble dealing with the worry and stress and anger, we MUST remember to take care of ourselves.

And then, this morning, an email from Brave Girls Club. It was all about letting go, “Your heart and your gut know exactly what you need to let go of, even if your brain is giving you all sorts of reasons to clamp your fingers around it.”  Last week’s theme in my Mondo Beyondo class was about creating a clearing, “a gap, a wide open empty space for your dreams to find their way in,” “a wide open empty space in your life that is ready for something new or amazing to emerge.” I started thinking about all the things I’ve been forced to let go, needed to let go, let go because there was no other option, and all of the things I probably should let go of, still need to clear out. *sigh*

Then I saw an article in the local paper about one of my yoga buddies.  We’ve been practicing together for over four years, and I knew she’d had breast cancer, was still dealing with cancer related issues, but I had no idea how bad her cancer really is: “Now, it’s in my bones. It’s in all the lobes of my lungs. It’s in my lymph nodes.”  I am still in shock.  We practiced together this morning and stayed and talked for a bit after, about the article, about her cancer, about her life.  She kicks my butt every yoga class, does things I can’t, and always makes me laugh.  That voice inside my head, the one that started when Obi was diagnosed, then Kelly, and then when Obi died, followed by Kelly, starts to sob again “but it’s not fair!”

I am humbled, confused, sad, angry, broken, messy, and so tired.  I am not giving up, and I still am so in love with all of it, but…sometimes it’s just so hard.  Do you know what I mean?

This video is one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Rosie Thomas: “Kite Song.” I dedicate it to all of us who are trying so hard to hold on, so hard to let go. I wish all of us some peace.

Oh, tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on, I can go on with my life
Every marigold I pass below will be my guiding light
I just want to go away from here

Oh, tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on, I can go on with my life
Every time the wind blows stronger,
I will feel my spirit rise
I just want to go away from here

Oh, tie me up tightly by your side
So I may go with you where ever you reside
And anytime the road looks dimmer
I will be your guiding light
I just want to go away with you

  • It will be hard, but it will also be okay.  Take a deep breath and let it out, let it go.