Category Archives: Self-Compassion

What I’m Learning Now

11 Replies

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself. ~Jean Anouih

On Thursday, I worked a lot with letting the day unfold naturally, without force or agenda. I was fatigued, worn out, and took a sick day to rest. The plague (several versions) has been circling around campus and there’s a good chance my body is doing everything it can to fight it off. I stayed in my pajamas all day, fed myself well, drank lots of grapefruit juice, watched some inspirational videos while resting on the couch, taking notes and at one point having a long nap.

The Universe is bombarding me with messages about self-love, self-care, self-acceptance. The classes I’m taking, friendships I have, things I read and see and hear make clear what I can give, what is needed. The theme is that there is only one me, I have unique gifts, a specific perspective and calling, and that I must be true to that, honor it, because that’s what I have to offer the world. And most importantly, it is not selfish to be who I am, to love what I love. In fact, it is the deepest kind of compassion, the most profound expression of wisdom.

To succeed at being somebody that you are not (but think you need to be) is still a failure. But to love who you are and courageously be that fully is a life well lived. ~Kute Blackson

I contemplated this blog post that I’m writing now all day Thursday, but made the choice to rest instead. In fact, this past week, I only posted three times, when I typically post every day, sometimes twice. Normally that would make me feel bad, less than worthy and anxious because my stats were down. For years, I’ve been singing as loud as I can, dancing as fast as I can, performing elaborate routines, begging to be noticed, to be loved and accepted, cared for and safe. I can’t do it anymore, won’t–“a life lived in order to please others ends up pleasing no one at all,” (Elizabeth Lessor).

Pleasing another person is often about avoiding the conflict that might ensue if we tell the truth about our feelings, needs, fears, and dreams. ~Elizabeth Lessor

I know I have something of value to offer, but I can’t do it from a place of exhaustion and overwhelm. When thinking about how I might do this, my heart’s work, while maintaining full-time paid work and all the other things I’m responsible for, it is clear to me that the same approach that had been so unworkable, such a failure in my old job–overwork, overwhelm, anxiety, perfection, hustling for worthiness, people pleasing but self-hating–was being carried over into this. The same method of forcing and pushing and denial.

I want to continue loving what I love, so I need to soften my approach. I need to meet this work with gentleness, kindness, and be open to joy. I need to maintain my focus on how I want to feel, the experience I want to cultivate, the process rather than a product. I need to balance my effort with ease.

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Howard Thurman

I also must forgive myself for all that came before. All the years of trying to be good, hoping to be perfect, imagining that if I did what others wanted and expected that I would be loved, safe, accepted. The self-denial, self-loathing, self-abandonment, self-abuse, the pushing, forcing, smashing myself to bits, and broken promises. The cycle of starving and stuffing, never satisfied. I have to also forgive myself for my confusion, my disappointment, my despair, my rage, and every action that came from that dark place. I was only trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be.

Your problem is how you are going to spend this one odd and precious life you have been issued. Whether you’re going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are. -Anne Lamott

I’m choosing that second option, dreaming bigger, cultivating courage and rest and joy, keeping my heart open, showing up and staying with whatever might arise, and doing it all imperfectly. My wish is to leave you, this space, this planet in better condition than I found it, and to ease suffering, in myself and the world.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
~Mary Oliver

Something Good

8 Replies

bunny cloud over lory state park, and yes, it’s real.

1. Epic and Ordinary on Doorways Traveler. So beautiful, her raw voice and open heart.

2. A Thousand Mornings with Poet Mary Oliver on NPR. Oh how I love her. I immediately teared up hearing her read her work.

3. From Fiona of Writing Our Way Home:

In this life, with its impermanence and unpredictability and difficult-things-happening, we need all the help we can get. We need to develop habits that steady us, that provide us with nourishment, that remind us of the beauty around us even in the midst of chaos & loss.

And she also shared this:

Since my house burned down
I now own a better view
of the rising moon.
~ Mizuta Masahide, poet and samurai (1657-1723)

4. From Alex Franzen of Unicorns for Socialism: “If I were you, I’d jot down a series of stories I’ve been aching to tell. True stories that happened to me. Nobody else.”

5. A three step practice from Pema Chödrön:

First, come into the present. Flash on what’s happening with you right now. Be fully aware of your body, its energetic quality. Be aware of your thoughts and emotions.

Next, feel your heart, literally placing your hand on your chest if you find that helpful. This is a way of accepting yourself just as you are in that moment, a way of saying, “This is my experience right now, and it’s okay.”

Then go into the next moment without any agenda.

This practice can open us to others at times when we tend to close down. It gives us a way to be awake rather than asleep, a way to look outward rather than withdraw.

6. Half Eaten from Rachel Cole. She’s on fire right now, creating some really juicy stuff. I am so grateful for her honestly in this particular post. I have been in the moment she describes, and to have her share it is medicine to me.

7. Talk by His Holiness the Dalai Lama entitled “Human Compassion” given at the College of William & Mary’s Kaplan Arena in Williamsburg, Virginia, USA, on October 10, 2012.

Dalai Lama for president!

8. This video broke my heart, but also filled me up with the love, the beauty that is possible in life. Amy McCracken (who has the biggest heart) shared it in a post on a blog she cowrites, 3x3x365.

9. For Those in the Darkness on Create as Folk.

10. Book Offers Guidance to the Gentle Art of Compassionate Euthanasia, an article about Dr. Cooney of Home to Heaven and her work. Dr. Cooney helped us to let our Obi go, and if we are “lucky” she or one of her kind colleagues will help us let Dexter go. I am so grateful to have such compassionate care so close. It brings me so much comfort.

11. Just One Thing from Susannah Conway. P.S. I am loving her blog redesign.

12. Impermanent art: Motoi Yamamoto’s “Return to the Sea: Saltworks.”

13. 2012, Y2K, and Other Scary End Is Near Predictions.

My advice: rather than worry about some “doomsday prophecy”, why not live your life today like it matters? Why not be present in the NOW? Instead of flipping out over the possibility of dying in some fiery comet (or other fantastical ending) why not just LIVE WELL? And rather than waiting for some random date on a calendar to become enlightened, why not strive to be a better person TODAY?

14. Justine Musk shared a quote from Robert McKee: “A story is the expression of how + why life changes. A story begins with balance, then something throws life out of balance, then a story goes on to describe how balance is restored.”

15.This quote from Tara Brach:

We’ve all felt the power of someone’s care to melt our armor. When we feel upset, often not until someone cares enough to listen or give us a hug are we able to melt down and cry. When someone says to us, as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests, “Darling, I care about your suffering,” a deep healing begins.

16. Why the pursuit of your dream is your sacred obligation by Justine Musk, in which she says:

Your gift might not cure cancer, but somewhere, in some way, it eases a pain, or solves a problem, or brings light to darkness, or cracks open a false self, or exposes a lie, or generates hope.

17. I’ve shared this before, but it’s worth mentioning again: calm.com

baby chicken cloud over lory state park: yes, it’s real too.

18. Self-Compassion: Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves on Tiny Buddha.

19. Quote from the Dalai Lama:

Because it is a reality that we are by nature social animals, bound to depend on each other, we need to cultivate affection and concern for other people if we really desire peace and happiness. Look at wild animals and birds. Even they travel together, flock together, and help
each other. Bees do not have a particular legal system, they do not follow any spiritual practice, but for their livelihood and survival they depend on each other—that is their natural way of existence. Even
though we intelligent human beings must also depend on each other, we sometimes misuse our intelligence and try to exploit each other. That goes against human nature. For those of us who profess to believe in a particular religious practice, it is extremely important that we try to help each other and cultivate a feeling of affection for each other. That is the source of happiness in our life.

20. On the leaving on Carry It Forward. I’m so grateful to author Christa Gallopoulos for this, such a beautiful post.

21. So You Want To Be a Writer: Bukowski Debunks the “Tortured Genius”
Myth of Creativity on Brain Pickings.

22. My Inner Delete Button – 7 Things I’m Trashing from My Life on Ken and Paper.

23. Real Life Minimalists: Courtney Carver. The story behind her badassery.

24. Three minutes towards helping you feel better on Writing Our Way Home. My response to this post, this practice this morning was: Looking out my window into the dark all I can see is the reflection of my own face.

25. What is freedom from Chris Guillebeau.

26. This quote from Cheri Huber: “Perhaps doing in order to be good is what keeps you from realizing that you are already good.”

27. Another quote from the Dalai Lama: “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”

28. Everything Is Going To Be OK: Aesthetic Anesthesia for the Soul on Brain Pickings.

humpback whale cloud over salyer natural area.

29. Book Shelf Porn. Yes, please.

30. The power of unconditional acceptance from Kris Carr.

P.S. There are three other lists, similar to my Something Good post, where I get weekly inspiration. Usually a few items from these lists make it onto mine. They are: