Monthly Archives: October 2011

Now you see it. Now you don’t.

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I met a friend for coffee yesterday afternoon, and we got to talking about the difference between awareness and mindfulness.  I was explaining how I am more aware now, can see myself as I start to enact old habits, practice old patterns, specifically of numbing out or perfection, but most of the time, I am unable to stop myself.  Instead, I watch it happen, the same way it has thousands of times before.

For example, I make the chocolate zucchini bread with an awareness that I typically can’t eat it like a “normal” person, that I have trouble stopping because the more I can eat, the more numb I feel.  I feel bad and want the bad to go away, and this works.

But I make promises to myself that this time will be different, I will control myself, I will “be good,” but get into a heated argument with the one that needs the zucchini bread, as much of it as I can stand to stuff in.  It needs to feel better, now, and this is how to make that happen, so “you” aren’t going to stop me–I am doing this.

This is the point where my awareness–awareness of the danger, my understanding of the ineffectiveness of this strategy, the knowledge of how ashamed I’ll feel when it’s over, that it won’t actually help in the long run, that it’s actually my heart that is starving and this is not going to feed it, never going to satisfy that hunger no matter how much I eat–slips away. 

The next thing I know, I’ve eaten two huge pieces and I feel sick to my stomach.  It’s like when you get in your car to go to work, aware that you are getting in your car to go to work, and next thing you know, you are there, and have no memory of the drive–complete mindlessness.

My friend and I also talked about how sometimes it is like watching a movie of ourselves doing the thing.  There’s no moment when we aren’t aware, we see all of it, but still, we do like we always do.

This can be incredibly frustrating and discouraging.  And yet, there are so many reminders that this is how it happens, and that’s okay, that it’s worth continuing to try.

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.”
— Leo Tolstoy

It is the “Half Step that Will Change Your Life.”

“Pause and Deepen Your Attention.”

image via Demetri Martin in 'This Is a Book'

This afternoon, rather than going to City Park to walk the dogs, Eric and I drove up to Mount Margaret, one of our favorite places. I relaxed, breathed, heard and felt the wind, took many steps, and let go. This is what it means. You practice, you keep showing up, you stop “smashing yourself to bits” when you see yourself doing the same old things, instead you love the suffering, you accept and lean in, and you promise to keep watching, being aware, for as long as it takes.

  • What are you attempting to balance? What are you trying to break?

a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants

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One of my core values is silliness: ”a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants,” joyous, giggly, loving.  I grew up adoring women like Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, Barbara Streisand, and Mary Tyler Moore.  People who can make me laugh are my favorite.  I love stand-up comedy, funny TV shows, and movies that make me laugh.

Photo by Wonderlane: Lama's Laughing

What I don’t like is when a laugh comes at someone’s expense, comedy that depends on someone being the butt of the joke.  It makes me uncomfortable, and sad.  I can’t watch shows like Punk’d and I have never seen the movie “Borat.”  I cringe at that kind of humor, not laugh.  I can’t stand to think that someone is being mean, and someone else is being hurt, and an audience of other people are laughing about it, finding joy in it.

I had mentioned in my post yesterday that I rented the movie “Bridesmaids.”  I really needed a good laugh, and I had heard such good things about it.  And it was good, in a way.  There are a few scenes in the beginning–the two main characters working out at the park together and then going to a cafe–that were so good, and if the whole movie had been like that, I would have loved it.

But too much of the movie’s humor depended on at least one person’s failure or trouble or suffering.  I got so stressed out, I spent the last half of the movie eating cheese and crackers, trying to comfort myself.  I wanted to love it, because so many of the actresses are some of my favorites, and I did like it, and there were a few really funny things, it just didn’t do for me what I was hoping–give me that fix of pure joy, allowing me to laugh off all the stress and yuck.  I wanted a movie that made me laugh like “Away We Go.”

And because I’d rented Bridesmaids at Redbox–there was no gag reel!  Just ask Eric, there’s nothing that bothers me more than no movie bloopers included in the special features, especially when the movie is a comedy.  Gag reels and bloopers are one of my favorite things.  In fact, if I wrote a list of my ten most favorite things, gag reels would be on it.  I went online and found the one for this movie, and spent another half hour searching for and watching ones from other movies and TV shows–and I laughed!  It felt so good.

I like self-deprecating humor, or physical comedy. I like comedy that points out how ridiculous we all are, “ha, ha aren’t we silly? but hey that’s okay, because we are all in this together, and we can laugh about it, so that makes it okay.”

This is one of my favorite comedy bits, from Brian Regan (a comedian who is hilarious without ever saying a bad word) about dogs barking at nothing.  He does another funny bit about Pop Tarts.

  • What makes you laugh?