Category Archives: Awake

Wishcasting Wednesday

image from Jamie's post

image from Jamie’s post

In the garden of gentle sanity, may you be bombarded with coconuts of wakefulness. ~Chogyam Trungpa

Jamie asks on this Wishcasting Wednesday, “What do you wish to wake up to?” I could make my answer more complicated, expand on it, flesh it out, develop it, but it’s just so simple: I wish to wake up to this life, this experience, this reality, this body, this moment, this breath — to BE awake.

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. ~Pema Chödrön

Three Truths and One Wish

1. Truth: Letting go of something you love is difficult, one of the hardest things. But, I will survive it. I have done this before, watched someone I love die, been separated even though the thing we both wanted the most was to stay together always, and I am still alive, even without them, even with no guarantee I will ever see them again, heart broken but still bound, tethered to an invisible but tangible love.

2. Truth: I can’t change the facts, but I determine how I respond. It’s staying dark later in the mornings now, that’s a fact of nature. This morning, so dark that I’d need to wear a headlamp for our walk, I was feeling grumpy, resistant, wishing away the dark. And yet, a few blocks from our house I looked up at the still dark night morning sky and saw stars. I thought about how on the way back, I’d see the sunrise, how I was taking this walk with two of my dogs. Instead of being cranky that it was dark and cold and early, things I can’t change, I noticed. I felt gratitude, thankful for the grace of one more morning to be awake and alive and together. I can’t alter nature, can’t keep Dexter from dying no matter what I do or how I feel about it, so instead of resisting or wishing things were different, I choose to open my heart to all of it, to be fully present and alive, wakeful and wise and compassionate.

3. Truth: It is okay. As I am surviving this loss, as it washes over me, passes through me, there will be messy moments. I will feel panic and cry in public. I will get angry and fall into despair. I will blame and accuse and rant and regret. I will wish and hope for things to be different. I will vow to never love again. I will hold my grief like it were a physical thing, with warm breath and sharp teeth. I will numb out, sleep and eat too much, say I’m okay, insist on it when I am anything but alright. This is the way love goes, the way the physical form where we focus our love leaves us. There is nothing to be done but to surrender, to be wounded. Eventually there will be another dog, and I’ll do the same thing again–open my heart knowing full well it will be broken. This is the way love goes. It is what it is, and this is workable.

One wish: My single wish underneath all my other wishes right now is that Dexter has an easy death. But, I also wish that those of us in this process of letting go feel some peace, some relief, and have faith in our innate wisdom and kindness and strength, being certain that we’ll know what to do and that whatever arises, it’s all workable.

Day of Rest

The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button. ~Brené Brown

Don’t go back to sleep. Keep your heart open, even when it’s being broken. Don’t give up, or do exactly that, let go and surrender to your life as it is. Stop wishing for things to be different, resisting how things really are, let go of hope and fear and be here, now. This is all there is, this moment.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
~Rumi

Yes, you are vulnerable and you will be hurt. But, staying open and awake is also the only way to know joy and love, to be fully alive. This is the deal, this is all there is, this is it. Beautiful and brutal, tender and terrible.

Don’t go back to sleep.