1. Truth: I am driven by a need for external approval and permission. Even though I am smart, fundamentally wise and intuitive, I am constantly seeking out a second opinion. Especially when I have a big decision to make or I find myself in a difficult situation, even if I know what’s right, am absolutely certain, I’m uncomfortable unless I get someone I trust to agree, to tell me I’m okay. It’s incredibly painful, but I’m working on it. I’m risking trusting myself, no matter what anyone else might think about it.
2. Truth: When a difficult situation arises, my default is to either avoid it or get too busy to deal with it. This is a pattern I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting, so now that I realize that it doesn’t actually work, that it isn’t the best thing for me, I also realize it’s really hard to shift. Awareness is a good first step, seeing what I’m doing, noticing and paying attention to it. Pausing before acting comes next, getting comfortable with not immediately checking out or rushing off when things get uncomfortable.
3. Truth: Even when I try my hardest to do no harm, to do good, I mess up. There are just too many causes and conditions at work for me to be able to control the outcome of any situation. I was thinking about it this morning when I saw a spider in our bathtub. I typically prefer to move a bug outside if I can, rather than kill it. This morning was a bit different, because on Sunday when we got back from hiking, we were checking Sam for ticks and found three bright red bites on his belly. We don’t know what bug exactly, but when I saw the spider in the tub, I was thinking “it could have been spider bites,” and it made me want to kill it. I didn’t, but when I captured it under a glass, I broke off a part of one of its legs. I released it into the backyard, but who knows what kind of harm I actually did, and I certainly am under no illusion that I somehow saved Sam from ever getting bit again.
One wish: That when we make mistakes, are misunderstood, or find ourselves in the midst of some other difficult situation, we can be gentle and kind, with ourselves and others.