Yoga | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

Jennifer Louden is one of those women who seems to have always been there for me. I can’t remember exactly the origin of this being, but know that in some way it’s connected to my discovery of Patti Digh’s work, or maybe by way of Susan Piver. What I know for certain is that she is part of a constellation of women who have helped me on my way, comforted and encouraged me, are examples of courage, kindness, and joy.

I know the connection to Jennifer’s work began with my life-rehab almost two years ago. Sameet M. Kumar says in his book Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss that “grieving mindfully enables us to use the tremendous influx of emotional energy that comes from experiencing loss to nurture life,” and that,

…with mindful awareness of your grief, you can move closer to the people in your life who matter most, and change habits or ideas that have been keeping you from living fully. Full awareness, especially in grief, of your patterns of thought, feelings, and behavior can take you from living with misery, fear, and discontent to living with openness and passion.

The loss of Obi and then Kelly started my life-rehab, my quest to live life with an open heart, and since the beginning Jennifer Louden has been one of my guides. First it was through her books, then her web presence (she wrote one of my favorite blog posts of all time, 2012 Predictions for You), and last summer when I went to World Domination Summit, I was able to meet her and tell her to her sweet face how much I adore her. Next month, I get to attend a writing workshop she’s leading with Laurie Wagner, Spit & Polish, (rumor has it there might still be a few spots left).

Jennifer Louden has written six books on well-being and personal wisdom, has studied yoga and meditation since she was 12, is Mom to a beautiful daughter and two of the cutest dogs on the planet, is about to be married (next week, August 17th — wishing her so much love ♥), has been a long time mentor to teachers and creatives through retreats and workshops and classes and coaching, she is no stranger to grief but she is also a companion to joy, and she is a dedicated student of love.

On Twitter, she describes herself this way, “Best-selling author, coach, champion of creative joy, speaker, teacher of teachers, spreader of satisfaction, curious s-hero, and generally awe struck at it all.” She is my favorite sort of woman, wise and kind and make you laugh until your face hurts funny. I’m so happy to share her perspective on self-compassion with you today.

1. What does self-compassion mean, what is it? How would you describe or define it?

For me it means dropping self-judgment every time I notice it – from eating too much chocolate last night to procrastinating writing my novel this morning to being envious of a friend this afternoon. It is the act of dropping my story that I am bad, wrong, less than, not spiritual, not progressing, etc. Yet If I make self-compassion a goal, I immediately lose access to the state.

It’s awareness catching the story and putting it down without any fuss.

Photo by Darrah Parker

2. How did you learn self-compassion? Did you have a teacher, a guide, a path, a resource, a book, a moment of clarity or specific experience?

Reading Tara Brach, Ramana Maharshi, Brene Brown, Rick Hanson, Rumi, Hafiz, Mary Oliver;
Meditating by relaxing everything and simply observing everything without getting attached to anything, loving kindness meditation, chanting ahem prema and really chanting anything;
Dancing, yoga, massage;
Parenting!

These have all given me glimpses of self-compassion. They are pointing out instructions to what I must then apply again and again.

3. How do you practice self-compassion, what does that experience look like for you?

See number 1. It’s all practice and since my biggest trap in life is to believe I have nothing creatively valuable to offer the world and my deepest desire is to create, I get a lot of practice dropping the sticky place the self-blame and frustration that keep this story alive. I seem to have been born to learn to be compassionate with myself as the path to being creatively self-expressed. So compassion is my biggest ally and my most frequently forgotten ally.

4. What do you still need to learn, to know, to understand? What is missing from your practice of self-compassion, what do you still struggle with?

To untangle myself from what I produce. The thought is something like, “I will practice compassion for myself once I get my work done and I decide it’s useful to others. Then I will deserve compassion.” I know intellectually my creative happiness and spiritual freedom live in me practicing self-compassion first but I forget a thousand times a day. Then I get overwrought and so frustrated!

It does not escape my attention that a large part of my work in the world has been to foster self-compassion in others through self-care. It makes me ruefully chuckle.

What I am learning is to inhabit the open space where all these stories fall away and being alive, breathing, being here to witness and experience life, is enough.

It’s good to write this and remember that self-compassion is my path. Thank you for asking such rich questions.

Photo by Darrah Parker

I am offering the deepest bow to Jennifer, sending her much love, am so grateful to her for taking the time to offer a glimpse into her practice and understanding of self-compassion. I especially connected with the idea that, “my biggest trap in life is to believe I have nothing creatively valuable to offer the world and my deepest desire is to create.” *sigh* Me too, Jen. Me too.

To find out more about Jennifer, to connect with her:

Visit her website
Read her blog
Do a retreat or workshop with her
Be coached by her
Get one of her books, (check out her page on Goodeads if you need help deciding)
Follow her on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest
Watch her videos on YouTube

Next on Self-Compassion Saturday: Susannah Conway.

P.S. If you didn’t see the first post in this series, you might want to read Self-Compassion Saturday: The Beginning.

1. Wisdom from Mahatma Gandhi, “To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.”

2. 23 Pictures That Will Warm Your Cold, Dead Heart on Buzzfeed.

3. Feel Her from Julie Daley on Unabashedly Female.

4. Your dog isn’t being friendly. He’s an asshole. And so are you. from The Dog Snobs. Amen.

5. 10 Questions for Grace and Whit on A Design So Vast. This had me cracking up and crying. I hope Grace gets her dog.

6. Things to do after your dog has died from The Other End of The Leash. *sob*

7. Allison Mae Photography, Ansel & Tilda: July, in which Allison shares photos of her own dogs. She’s just so g o o d.

8. Here we are today {Just One Paragraph 8/30} from Christina Rosalie.

9. From Brave Girls Club,

Dear Beautiful Girl,

You are enough.

You have enough. You do enough. You think enough. You serve enough. You know enough.

So enough is enough, girlfriend. Pat yourself on the back, go take a hot bath, and let yourself chill for a while.

Sounds like you could use a little break from being so much of enough.

Just BE.

You are so wonderful, just the way you are. You are loved. xoxo

10. Wisdom from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, “The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”

11. Say I Love You Often, on Elephant Journal.

12. Wisdom from Seth Godin, in his post The opposite of anxiety,

I define non-clinical anxiety as, “experiencing failure in advance.” If you’re busy enacting a future that hasn’t happened yet, and amplifying the worst possible outcomes, it’s no wonder it’s difficult to ship that work.

13. 7 Simple Lessons From the Mat and My Life is too Complicated to Simplify from Be More With Less.

14. An Open Apology to All of My Weight Loss Clients from Iris Higgins.

15. Wisdom from Pema Chödrön,

It’s painful when you see how in spite of everything you continue in your neurosis; sometimes it has to wear itself out like an old shoe. However, refraining is very helpful as long as you don’t impose too authoritarian a voice on yourself. Refraining is not a New Year’s resolution, not a setup where you plan your next failure by saying, “I see what I do and I will never do it again,” and then you feel pretty bad when you do it again within the half hour.

Refraining comes about spontaneously when you see how your neurotic action works. You may say to yourself, “It would still feel good; it still looks like it would be fun,” but you refrain because you already know the chain reaction of misery that it sets off.

16. 6 Ways to Thwart an Off-Leash Dog Rushing You and Your Dog from Dogster.

17. More wisdom from Seth Godin, in his post Q&A: What works for websites today?

The only reason to build a website is to change someone. If you can’t tell me the change and you can’t tell me the someone, then you’re wasting your time.

18. More wisdom from Brave Girls Club,

Dear Beautiful Girl,

What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of…and having faith that it will all work out in the end.

Your heart and your gut know exactly what you need to let go of, even if your brain is giving you all sorts of reasons to clamp your fingers around it. There are seasons and times to have different things, relationships and situations in your life…and then the seasons change and it’s time to let go of many of those things. Change is hard….but change is absolutely necessary.

We’ve all got to let go of old habits, old situations, old behaviors and sometimes even old relationships to make room for what is meant for the next part of our lives. If we just get quiet, get brave, and listen very closely….our hearts will tell us what to let go of. This doesn’t mean it will be easy…it just means that it is what is meant for now.

You can do this. Listen to your heart. Be brave. You are loved. xoxo

19. An Inconvenient Hunger from Rachel Cole. (P.S. Registration for Rachel’s next session of Ease Hunting opens today!)