Category Archives: Presence

Wishcasting Wednesday

Yesterday, my therapist pointed out that I’m trying to find a formula. I was confused and uncomfortable and irritated by that — because she’s right. All of my research and work and searching and contemplating and pushing, all my suffering is a quest to find the right way, the perfect strategy, the foolproof plan, the trick to having a happy, content, successful, safe life. Every book I buy, every new blog I subscribe to, every new class I take, every workshop or retreat I sign up for, all of it is my tiny little heart looking for the secret to peace, to love everlasting and pure. I know it intellectually, but I can’t seem to get myself to accept that this is not going to work. I make grand gestures of letting go, only to feel again the familiar tightness in my chest, to look down and see my hands clenched into fists.

It’s Wishcasting Wednesday, and Jamie Ridler asks “what do you wish to discover?” To discover means finding something or someone unexpectedly, becoming aware — to find, detect, uncover, reveal, unearth.

I wish to discover my truth. The essential and fundamental fact of myself, reality.

I wish to discover my confidence. To manifest what Susan Piver describes as “the willingness to be as ridiculous, luminous, intelligent, and kind as you really are, without embarrassment.”

I wish to discover my basic goodness. To be fully aware of and connected to my innate wisdom and compassion and power.

I wish to discover presence in each moment. To become aware of what is, exactly as it is, to accept it without judgement — to show up for my life, with an open heart, at ease in the vast space of now.

 

Wishcasting Wednesday

Spring-475x353

from Jamie’s post

Today Jamie asks “what’s your Spring wish?” I haven’t Wishcast in a long while, not because I don’t appreciate the practice but because I was doing too much and needed to slow down, so this was a practice that was on haitus. However, this wish felt like an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up.

You see, I was just out in the backyard playing with Dexter (and Sam too). It’s a bit cold out today, but I wanted to be outside. The grass is starting to green up and things are starting to bud and even bloom. There’s a lawn chair out from just a few days ago when it was sunny and warm.

I never thought I would see another Spring with Dexter in it. His prognosis when his cancer was diagnosed was 95 days, with his first significant symptoms a month before that, so I wasn’t even sure if he’d stay long enough to see snow again. That was almost eight months ago, and he’s still here.

And yet, living with a terminally ill pet means things can change at any time. He went to physical therapy this morning and even they noticed he was in a happier mood, was clearly feeling better. He’s getting stronger and while the tear in his knee won’t likely heal completely, he’s doing really well considering, is able to be moderately and carefully active. That made me feel really good, but then just a few hours later, he sneezed a few times and there was blood, so I shifted to feeling sad. This is how it goes.

So my Spring wish is in two parts: May I be able to remain fully present with Dexter while he is still here, and when it’s time for him to go, may he have an easy death.