Category Archives: Open Heart

Three Truths and One Wish

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1. Truth: Letting go of something you love is difficult, one of the hardest things. But, I will survive it. I have done this before, watched someone I love die, been separated even though the thing we both wanted the most was to stay together always, and I am still alive, even without them, even with no guarantee I will ever see them again, heart broken but still bound, tethered to an invisible but tangible love.

2. Truth: I can’t change the facts, but I determine how I respond. It’s staying dark later in the mornings now, that’s a fact of nature. This morning, so dark that I’d need to wear a headlamp for our walk, I was feeling grumpy, resistant, wishing away the dark. And yet, a few blocks from our house I looked up at the still dark night morning sky and saw stars. I thought about how on the way back, I’d see the sunrise, how I was taking this walk with two of my dogs. Instead of being cranky that it was dark and cold and early, things I can’t change, I noticed. I felt gratitude, thankful for the grace of one more morning to be awake and alive and together. I can’t alter nature, can’t keep Dexter from dying no matter what I do or how I feel about it, so instead of resisting or wishing things were different, I choose to open my heart to all of it, to be fully present and alive, wakeful and wise and compassionate.

3. Truth: It is okay. As I am surviving this loss, as it washes over me, passes through me, there will be messy moments. I will feel panic and cry in public. I will get angry and fall into despair. I will blame and accuse and rant and regret. I will wish and hope for things to be different. I will vow to never love again. I will hold my grief like it were a physical thing, with warm breath and sharp teeth. I will numb out, sleep and eat too much, say I’m okay, insist on it when I am anything but alright. This is the way love goes, the way the physical form where we focus our love leaves us. There is nothing to be done but to surrender, to be wounded. Eventually there will be another dog, and I’ll do the same thing again–open my heart knowing full well it will be broken. This is the way love goes. It is what it is, and this is workable.

One wish: My single wish underneath all my other wishes right now is that Dexter has an easy death. But, I also wish that those of us in this process of letting go feel some peace, some relief, and have faith in our innate wisdom and kindness and strength, being certain that we’ll know what to do and that whatever arises, it’s all workable.

Three Truths and One Wish

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1. Truth: I generate my own suffering. I wear a deep rut in the ground, walking the same path, acting out the same habitual patterns, thinking the same discursive thoughts, allowing myself to be swept away by the same strong emotions, caught up in the same drama, the same old story, over and over, again and again. I am confused and stubborn, clinging to my attachment and judgment, my rejection and resistance–keeping me from life as it is, which is ultimately workable, which is here. But the good news is: because I generate my own suffering, I can stop.

2. Truth: I think I am a rock, but I am gold. I am basically good, inherently wise and kind–it is our fundamental human nature. And yet, so often I refuse to see it, convince myself otherwise. I cause myself so much pain, smashing myself to bits, resisting the magic, the power, the full measure of light and love that is me. When I get quiet, sit still, stay calm and breathe, I can see my genuine self clearly, resting in the spaciousness and wakefulness and compassion that is always there.

3. Truth: Life is tender and terrible, beautiful and brutal. Even so, I aspire to open my heart to all of it, to live fully and wholeheartedly, with courage and kindness. Sometimes, the reality of impermanence brings me to my knees, completely overwhelms me, and I am frozen by panic, broken by sadness and pain–and yet, even then, I know that it is better to be awake, to be alive, to have an open heart.

One wish: That even when we are afraid or sad or stuck, we can maintain an awareness of our worth, our goodness. That even as life changes and things die, we can “find the strength to know we are a part of something beautiful,” (Alexi Murdoch). That even as we suffer and are confused, we can keep our hearts open, courageously manifesting love and compassion.