Category Archives: Dexter

#Reverb12: Day 12

2 Replies

reverb12

Joy

The full prompt: What activity brings you the most joy? (Author: Lee Currie)

This is a tie between writing and being with my dogs. Both things have at their heart connection and pure love. My writing practice in the past year has moved beyond judgement and conditions (mostly) to a place of satisfaction and contentment, and my experience of my dogs has always been that simple. I can write for hours, lose all sense of time, am reluctant to stop, feel like I always have so much more to say, wake up in the middle of the night with ideas, am writing in my head as I am walking or doing yoga or even meditating, wake up excited to start working–this is love, this is joy. And my boys, all three of them, even the one who is no longer with us–all I have to do is think about them or look at them, sleeping or playing or barking at the trash truck or whatever they happen to be doing, whatever they did good or bad, and my heart softens, sometimes melting completely, sometimes breaking with so much love, so much joy, and even sadness because it’s all so beautiful and temporary.

meandtheboyslory

Not Done

The full prompt: What was something you planned to do in 2012 but didn’t? What was it, and why did you not accomplish it?

I planned to heal my body, my relationship with it and with food. I thought that with awareness, this would come easily. I would notice what I was doing, gain knowledge and understanding, be able to stop numbing out, disconnecting, smashing myself to bits, forgive myself and be able to change. I was so wrong. The habitual patterns, this way of being is so old, so deep, so sticky. There are layers and layers of resistance, of grief and longing, and it’s about so much more than just my body–it’s everything. This is going to be much harder than I thought, but it’s why it is one of my primary intentions in the next year: sanity, wellness and balance.

Brave Belly

Your Most Intense Emotions

The full prompt: What made you dance in 2012? What made you weep?

My purpose becoming clear made me dance. As I take each step forward, as I do the work without attachment to the outcome, without knowing why or where exactly it will lead, the rightness of my longing, the ways in which I can make a difference in the world, have the potential to ease suffering, is becoming more and more clear, and I am becoming more and more certain, confident.

My blog doing well made me dance, the kind and gentle readers, the times people shared my posts or left heartfelt comments, the times when I knew what I was writing mattered, wasn’t just helping me but rippled out.

The possibility and opportunities that occurred made me dance. So many good things happened, and I can see that so many more are on their way.

Finding out that Dexter had cancer, that it was incurable, that he wouldn’t be with us for much longer made me weep. And it continues to do so.

Things that I won’t share here made me weep, things I won’t write about on this blog because they belong to other people, are their mistakes and confusion and grief, and it wouldn’t be right to tell you about it–and yet, these are things that caused me deep suffering, ongoing pain. It is so hard when someone you love dearly is making bad choices, generating so much trouble for themselves, is hurting people, doing damage, wreaking havoc and causing mayhem, and all you can do is watch and try to keep loving them.

Mistakes

The full prompt: It’s easy to focus on our mistakes—to reflect with 20/20 hindsight and berate ourselves for what went wrong. Bring your awareness to a mistake you’ve made over the past year. Unveil one positive lesson from that mistake. How can you actively use this lesson moving forward?

I was too busy, pushed too hard, wanted too much, did too much, overcommitted and overextended. In fact, I am doing it right now. This isn’t sustainable, and there are consequences. I disappointed people, some things were left half done or abandoned altogether, stuff literally piled up, was messy and unkempt, I denied myself the care necessary for health and wellness, I broke promises, I was distracted and because of that mistakes were made, I didn’t always do my best work and sometimes I failed completely.

I suppose what I learned is that I have limits, that I can’t do everything, that I will have to let go of some things, surrender to others, and that there is time, there is good reason to do so. In the coming months, my intention is to learn what balance looks like for me, what health and wellness mean, and to start living towards that.

Unexpected Passion

The full prompt: What new hobby or interest piqued your passion this year?  Or did you think about an old passion in a new way?

wholeheartedzentangle

Making art. I used to tell myself not to bother because I wasn’t any good, thought that to be creative you had to first have talent, to know exactly and for sure what you were doing, your goal and your method. This year I realized that creating something just feels good, and I don’t ever have to share what I make, it can be a process and practice that is just for me, for the pure joy of it. I can also see how the way to get good, to find my “thing” when it comes to art, is to make a lot, to keep showing up, being open to what arises, and in this way I will eventually stumble upon my artistic voice, my style, my thing.

Gratitude Friday

6 Replies

keepagreentree

Keep a green tree in your heart, and a singing bird will come.

This post is a mashup of The Little Bliss List and Joy Jam, and as such is meant to celebrate: the little things that brought me hope and happiness this week, the sweet stuff of life, those small gifts that brought me joy this week. By sharing them, I not only make public my gratitude, but maybe also help you notice your own good stuff and send some positive energy out into the world.

1. Holiday twinkly lights. During this season that is so dark and cold, I have so much gratitude for the cheer of lights, colored and white, blinking and still, single strands and layered strings, hung on houses and in windows.

2. The Annual Dell Big Crow / Pine Ridge Indian Reservation Holiday Gift Project and “my” Pine Ridge kids. This is my third year doing this. The first year, I got the names and lists of a boy and girl. On the second year, they selected those same two kids for me, randomly and magically. This year, I insisted that if they weren’t already assigned to someone else, that I get “my” kids, which I did. More about the project:

As you may know, Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is one of the most impoverished and marginalized regions in America. While we seek to address the underlying causes of poverty on Pine Ridge, we also recognize the importance of building connections between people on and off the reservation. We work at Pine Ridge throughout the year with Service Learning projects, a winter coat drive, providing families with firewood, home repairs, winterization, and other sustainable development projects.

2012 marks the 7th year of our Pine Ridge Holiday Gift Project! Last year, thanks to the kindness and generosity of friends, families, hundreds of amazing individual donors, and our colleagues at Colorado State University, the Holiday Project provided gifts to more than 1,100 children and elders on the reservation! Donors like you forwarded the original project email on to their families and friends and we received responses from all over the U.S. as well as Germany, Australia, Iraq, United Arab Emirates, France, Japan, Belgium, and Canada! We would like to invite you to contribute a holiday gift for a child or elder this year.

The project is very “grass roots,” since just two of us “Elves” volunteer and coordinate the project. Once again we are working with several reservation school teachers, counselors, community organizers, homeless youth centers, the Pine Ridge Veteran’s Emergency Shelter, etc. in order to identify children and elders with the greatest needs.

It’s really easy to get involved, and there is still plenty of time, still so much need. All you have to do is email Julie Ann Sullivan at julie.sullivan@colostate.edu OR Christine Bartholomew at forepineridge@gmail.com and ask for a name or two, or visit their Facebook page to find out more. I feel so grateful for all that I have, especially during this season of thanksgiving and love, and it is so important to give some of my good away to someone who might not have so much.

3. Magic opportunities, the sharing of good ideas, and genuine, openhearted effort and connection. I didn’t used to have the confidence to say “yes” to this, but now I do, and this past week I have, again and again, and I am so excited about the possibility of this coming year, so curious to see what’s going to happen.

4. Eric, who believes in me, loves me, wants me to be happy. He leaves me love notes, checks books out from the library that he thinks I’d like, celebrates my successes with me, takes care of me when I don’t feel that great, makes me potato soup and biscuits, and walks my dogs.

5. Warmth and shelter when it’s so cold outside. Warm hats and gloves, wool socks, long thick soft sweaters, big fluffy down blankets, a functioning furnace, two dogs who love to snuggle.

Bonus Joy: Another week with Dexter. He’s doing so good, has stuck around so long after he was predicted to be gone, that it’s almost easy sometimes to forget that he’s dying. Two months ago, I didn’t dare imagine he’d make it to Thanksgiving, and here we are, there he is with only two weeks to go until Christmas. Here’s a picture of him, from a Christmas five years ago, when he and his favorite big brother Obi were both young and healthy, and cancer wasn’t even something we thought about.

dexterobichristmas