March | 2020 | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

1. Spring. For us here in Colorado, the first day of spring meant a snow storm. The day before, however, was sunny and warm-ish, so I sat out on the patio soaking it in, knowing what was coming.

My shirt says “all this is temporary” — which is the good news and the bad.

2. Good food. Resources are limited at the store because people are still panic buying, but Eric made English Muffin Bread and I have jam my aunt sent me and I was thinking how lucky we are that we know how to cook our own food because I suspect there are a lot of people out there right now struggling because they don’t know how to cook.

3. If I have to be on lockdown, I’m sure glad it’s with this guy. Seriously, I know there are many people right now who are alone or stuck in a situation with a difficult person or complicated relationship, and I’m so lucky that the person I’m “stuck” with is the person I prefer spending all my time with anyway. He struggled a little yesterday trying to get a situation set up at home that would allow him to work the way he’s used to, but he figured it out.

Eric trying to use my laptop and not having much success. Ringo of course was in heaven.

4. Practice. Especially now, this has been the anchor I’ve needed. I posted on Instagram this morning that I was thinking I should apologize, for my stillness, for my quiet, for my distance. I’ll be helpful, have something to offer at some point, but right now I’m still trying to process my own shock, confusion, and fear. And yet, that IS an offering, isn’t it? Me, over here making my best effort to be sane, to cultivate wisdom and compassion, doing so out of love – for me, for you, for all of it.

5. My tiny family. The dogs love that we are both home more often now. They have, however, yet to work out how to get enough napping done during the day with us here as a distraction. I am super grateful that for now they are healthy and well, and I hope we can all stay that way for a bit longer.

Bonus joy: that even with a global pandemic we can still go outside and walk around in the world, living in a state that is taking this very seriously and taking appropriate precautions, the way the earth is showing us it can heal itself if we just slow down, my mom finally getting a smartphone (even though she hasn’t figured out how to text yet, she will, and then we’ll be texting!), texting with my brother and neighbor, the internet which allows me to watch TV and hang out with friends and stay informed and in general not feel so isolated, my health, seeing one of my yoga students yesterday even if it was from a distance and only for a moment, grocery store workers and everyone else responsible for us having access to food and toilet paper, all the healthcare workers and first responders risking their own health to care for us, good books, good podcasts, good TV, TV and movies on demand, a working fridge, clean water, reading in bed at night while Eric and the dogs sleep.

I got a new shirt

1. Truth: Things have gotten really weird. It’s not like things were calm and collected before the global pandemic, so maybe it’s more accurate to say that things are weirder, have reached a whole new level of weird. Here where I live, those who can are working remotely, all schools have moved classes online, yoga studios are offering exclusively online classes or closing altogether, the gyms are closed, all restaurants have moved to delivery or take out only or have closed indefinitely, the libraries are closed, therapists are shifting sessions online, my yoga class I teach is suspended until further notice, grocery stores have restricted their hours to give employees more time to stock shelves and clean and hopefully rest. I worry about those who are losing work and have no buffer to support them during this time, and try to help where I can, (like paying for my upcoming haircut appointment even though I’m going to cancel it or donating to the local food bank). I am actually so glad that I live somewhere that is being so careful, but oh how I’m going to miss my yoga class, and the pool and sauna, and the places that inevitably have to close down for good and teachers that have to consider other professions because they can’t survive the sustained loss of income.

2. Truth: I’ve been preparing for this for the past nine months, the staying isolated at home and the social distancing. I retired in May, and since then I’ve been dealing with a deep burnout. This and my privilege means that for me, beyond the gym closing and my yoga class not happening and not being able to go wherever I want when I want or see friends in person and my husband being home more and an increased anxiety about our health and that of those we love, not much has changed for me in terms of my day to day life. It does add a level of guilt to the process, as it seems like the theme of the day is to do lots of deep cleaning and home improvement, or to create content and opportunities, offering support for those who aren’t going out, and I just don’t have the energy.

3. Truth: I’m concerned, even scared, but my routines are helping me stay grounded. My husband has been making short trips to his office on his empty campus to do some of his work (as an online teaching “expert,” he’s been giving lots of support to those now having to move their courses online), and I spend that time meditating, writing, doing yoga, keeping up with what’s going on in the world, reading books, watching TV, listening to podcasts, cooking, napping with the dogs, doing chores around the house — pretty normal days, not too much unlike before things went off the rails.

One wish: May we be happy, may we be healthy, may we be safe, and may we live with ease. May we come out of this crisis more connected, recommitted to the values of a culture of care, and reminded of the importance of collectively cultivating our inherent wisdom and compassion.