October | 2015 | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

1. 22 years. I’d still chose him, still do every day. I’ve blogged about it on this day the past two years, first on our 20th anniversary, and then on our 21st. He’s still my favorite.

2. Yoga. As I work to heal my foot, to cope with the overwhelm of returning to work at CSU, to enjoy moving my body and being outside on the days it’s nice enough to practice on the patio, yoga is such a gift.

3. Talking to my mom on the phone, getting an anniversary card from her in the mail. I teased her when I emailed her recently after not hearing from her for a bit that she needed to send me a message so I knew she was still alive since she doesn’t have a blog I can check or a smartphone I can text her on. We have an ongoing conversation with each other in our heads every day, but it’s nice to talk for real sometimes, even as much as we both hate talking on the phone.

4. Chew time with the dogs. They get a treat they love and I get to relax in a lawn chair. It’s a win/win.

Distracted for a minute by the dad doing something in the kitchen

Done with his treat and back to patrolling the yard

5. Walking two miles. Y’all have no idea how hard this foot injury has been on me, not being able to go on the walks with the dogs (we go six miles in the morning, 2-3 in the afternoon). My foot is strong enough now that I’m starting to build my endurance back up, and even though it was tender and I had to ice it yesterday after two miles, it’s starting to feel possible that this thing could get all the way better.

Bonus joy: yoga on the back patio, Tricks and Games class with Ringo, Wild Writing class, clementines (reminding me that there’s still fruit, even in the fall and winter), Booktober (an Instagram challenge I’m doing), ordering a new camera, another person signed up for my workshop, being cold (I know, I’ll be complaining about it in no time, but for now it’s kind of awesome), the turning leaves, all our pumpkins, still a few grasshoppers and birds in the front garden, finally getting my hair cut after almost a whole year.

Juxtaposition

1. Truth: Trying to make money from my art, from what I love to do, can be confusing and frustrating. It seems like unless you are a celebrity yoga teacher or have a best selling book, the reality is that being a teacher and a writer aren’t very lucrative careers. I don’t get paid much (if anything) to begin with, even when I set my own price (which I’m honestly not very good at), and then I might have to pay to rent space and advertise, and a portion of what’s left after that goes to taxes, so there’s not much left in the end.

2. Truth: This could be a deal breaker. If I don’t figure out how to cobble together a reasonable income from that work, I won’t leave my job at CSU and devote myself to it fulltime, at least not for awhile, at least not while I keep finding reasons to stay for just a little longer — until the bathroom remodel is done or we buy a new car or we take that trip. Sometimes this makes me feel desperate, trapped, and sad. Sometimes it makes me want to give up.

3. Truth: Trying to do this as a “crossfade” is exhausting. Laura Simms talks about the crossfade a lot, that time when you are still working your current job while also trying to grow your new career, so you essentially are doing two jobs. I feel some days like I’ve got three jobs, and then there’s the laundry, and bills that need paid, and my floor is covered in dog hair and the toilet needs cleaned and my dogs are bored and I can’t remember the last time I flossed my teeth and I really want to go to the gym if only I had the time or the energy — and that doesn’t even include the things I want to do because I love them, like read a book or watch a movie or take a nap or hang out with my husband.

One wish: That some how, some way, I can find the means and the magic to make it work. That we all can slow down, simplify things, and feel rested and nourished and satisfied with our lives, however we might choose to spend our days. That no matter how confused or tired or disappointed, we don’t give up.