Juxtaposition

1. Truth: Trying to make money from my art, from what I love to do, can be confusing and frustrating. It seems like unless you are a celebrity yoga teacher or have a best selling book, the reality is that being a teacher and a writer aren’t very lucrative careers. I don’t get paid much (if anything) to begin with, even when I set my own price (which I’m honestly not very good at), and then I might have to pay to rent space and advertise, and a portion of what’s left after that goes to taxes, so there’s not much left in the end.

2. Truth: This could be a deal breaker. If I don’t figure out how to cobble together a reasonable income from that work, I won’t leave my job at CSU and devote myself to it fulltime, at least not for awhile, at least not while I keep finding reasons to stay for just a little longer — until the bathroom remodel is done or we buy a new car or we take that trip. Sometimes this makes me feel desperate, trapped, and sad. Sometimes it makes me want to give up.

3. Truth: Trying to do this as a “crossfade” is exhausting.  Laura Simms talks about the crossfade a lot, that time when you are still working your current job while also trying to grow your new career, so you essentially are doing two jobs. I feel some days like I’ve got three jobs, and then there’s the laundry, and bills that need paid, and my floor is covered in dog hair and the toilet needs cleaned and my dogs are bored and I can’t remember the last time I flossed my teeth and I really want to go to the gym if only I had the time or the energy — and that doesn’t even include the things I want to do because I love them, like read a book or watch a movie or take a nap or hang out with my husband.

One wish: That some how, some way, I can find the means and the magic to make it work. That we all can slow down, simplify things, and feel rested and nourished and satisfied with our lives, however we might choose to spend our days. That no matter how confused or tired or disappointed, we don’t give up.