Day of Rest

Today is a day of rest, but I don’t feel rested. I feel depleted, disappointed, stinky, a little overwhelmed, lost, a bit lonely, and completely in love with the whole brilliant mess. I still have goals: get clean sheets on the bed, do a little laundry, meditate, take a shower, eat some food and drink some water, maybe finally put up my new desk, maybe do my homework for yoga teacher training, and most certainly make sure two dogs (and one boy) are fed, rested, cared for, and loved.

I’m sad. With my guest post for Be More With Less, I got a surge of new traffic and some followers. I felt like what brought them here was exactly right, that I write about exactly the kind of stuff they’d be interested in — when I’m writing. But right now I’m in a fallow time, when I’m so busy with other things that all I’ve been posting about is the new puppy, how hard it’s been, how cute he is in spite of that, how right it was that this particular boy is with us at this moment. Those new kind and gentle readers must have been so confused, like being invited to a lecture on mindfulness and showing up to find a kid’s birthday party instead, being led to the chaos and noise of a bouncy house when what you wanted was the peace and stillness of a meditation cushion. It feels like this huge missed opportunity, the most unfortunate of timing, even as it is exactly as it should be.

I am trying not to give in to external pressure, but rather trust my own inherent wisdom. There will be no “perfect puppy in 7 days,” (if ever), I won’t be as prepared as I’d like when I practice teach forward bends next weekend, (hopefully I’ll have my homework done), my CSU office is a wreck, (but I’m still doing good work), I feel heavy and most of the time my clothes don’t match and I’m lucky if they are clean, I’m not offering meaningful deep content on my blog or making any progress on my larger to-do list. I can barely remember what day it is and I’m not getting enough rest.

I forgive myself. I drink tall glasses of cold water. Sometimes when the puppy naps, I nap instead of doing whatever chore has been put off. I take a hot shower, floss my teeth, use the good lotion on my hands. I give myself permission to get rid of those jeans I don’t really like, that aren’t even comfortable. I remind myself that even if I do nothing, I’m good enough, worthy of love, deserving of ease. I assure myself that I can’t screw it up with Ringo, that no matter what I do or don’t do, things will turn out alright. I sit gently and compassionately with the underlying nagging fear that if I stay quiet, still for too long there will be no one left to listen or serve, that I’ll be left talking to myself, alone, no one to help me when I need it.

I do what Susan Piver always suggests and take a seat right in the middle of my life, just as it is, just as I am. When my mind wanders off, when I panic or worry, when I find myself lost, confused, generating my own suffering, I “let go, come back, take a fresh start,” the promise being that the number of fresh starts available to all of us is infinite. Take a deep breath and start again.

20 thoughts on “Day of Rest

  1. Regine Kelly

    Good Sunday to you Jill,
    I want to assure you that like a lot of us, I love the puppy stories. I also want you too know that your blog content is wonderful and full of meaning. I look forward to it. Since I figured out that you live in Ft. Collins (as does my son, Sam, & his dog, Teddy) I feel geographically connected.
    Have your day of rest. I need one myself. As of last week, I am a laid off librarian. With a year old darling dog, Helenka. She is happy to have me around—though I am sure she senses my unsettled nerves.
    Thanks for including Susan’s meditation—it is a very good one.
    Be well,
    Regine

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Regine, thank you so much for the encouragement. We all are living something hard, aren’t we, and it’s so good to cheer each other on. May you find some peace in this day, be able to set your worry down and cuddle your pup.

      Reply
  2. Jen Allen

    I’m struggling to find my rhythm this year, too. It’s been a frustrating process, but after a meltdown this past week, I’ve just decided to surrender to it. What gets done gets done, what doesn’t doesn’t. I’ll worry about the rest of it later. I’m working on showing up because I’ve had some issues with that, but I’m reminding myself of that as well. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Surrender. Yes. So important, so hard. I bet you don’t give yourself credit for all that you are doing — just the struggle of being separated from your man is huge. May you be gentle with yourself, recognize all the good you are doing.

      Reply
  3. Sharon

    I’m one of the newbies that came from Courtney Carver’s site and I haven’t been disappointed at all! This is life at it’s most fulfilling and chaotic. You are sharing a very real moment in time with all of us and it’s engaging, informative and fun… plus there are dogs. It takes awhile to dig into a new blog anyway. I’m spending time in the archives and following puppy entries at the same time. Relax. We can take care of ourselves and your blog clearly has much to offer beyond daily (or whatever) entries. Snuggle a puppy (or big lovey dog) and touch joy, you’ll feel better. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Lucille (in CT)

    I love what Sharon wrote above spending time in the archives—that is what I do when I find a new blog too. So consider that: all that new traffic—they are over there checking things out, while you are in this Puppy-moon time.

    All of what you shared above sounds like someone with a new baby. And no one would pressure a woman with a new baby to be profound or on task 100 percent of the time! Don’t worry about a thing. I’m amazed that you post DAILY!!! Of the blogs I consistently read each days, it is yours that I can confidently be sure will have a new posting, even if it’s a posting about that so-cute little sweetie! And you know what, I’m happy to read that post just as much as any other.

    Don’t be down or sad. You have a wonderful blog and much to share. Take each day one step at a time. Soon enough, your home life will be back in the rhythm and all will be well.

    Enjoy the rest of your Sunday. I hope you get that hot shower and use the good lotion too! 🙂

    Reply
  5. Misty

    I’m a newbie and I am THRILLED to find a fellow dog lover! That is icing on the cake to me 🙂 If I may say it, I think you are way too hard on yourself. You would probably be surprised at all the profound things I pull from your puppy posts. Puppies turn your life upside down for awhile – the fact that you are still posting and talking about remembering good self-care during this time tells me that you talk the talk AND walk the walk. What drew me here is most definitely there, and visible – I can see it clearly. I hope you can too 🙂

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Thank you so much for saying that, Misty. I always say my practices are writing, yoga, meditation, and dog. I have learned so much through my relationship with them.

      Reply
  6. eviegwatts

    There’s really not much I can add to what’s been said, except to be another voice of support. I agree with everyone who’s written – no disappointment, love watching Ringo Blue grow up, Sam grow older, Eric be such a great partner and you just be.

    Reply
  7. Jacqui Avery

    Hi Jill, I wouldn’t say I’m a particular dog lover but I love your posts and that picture at the top of this one is just TOO cute! I agree with the others – great just to hear about you living your life, as it is. Have a fab week!

    Reply
  8. Angie

    I also found your blog through Courtney and have loved every post so far. They bring me back to last May when I adopted my first dog. I knew from reviewing various portions of your blog that I felt a kinship and the real nature of what you’re dealing with daily is a blessing in to know itself. No one needs to be profound daily. We just need to be present and you’re doing just that.

    Reply

I'd love to hear what you think, kind and gentle reader.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s