Monthly Archives: May 2012

Gratitude Friday

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This post is a mashup of The Little Bliss List and Joy Jam, and as such is meant to celebrate: the little things that brought me hope and happiness this week, the sweet stuff of life, those small gifts that brought me joy this week. By sharing them, I not only make public my gratitude, but maybe also help you notice your own good stuff and send some positive energy out into the world.

1. The flower bed in front of the building where I work is in full bloom.

2. A good night’s sleep. After a week of not sleeping well, and the full on insomnia the night before, sleeping well last night was so nice.

3. I forgot my lunch again. But, the good news is that means I get to have lunch with a good friend, two times in one week!

4. Lots of rain in the forecast this weekend. Okay, when I say “lots” I mean Colorado lots, not Pacific Northwest lots. This is good for my yard, but also means I will be getting extra rest this weekend and the temperatures will be cooler.

5. Dexter wagging his tail again. I mentioned yesterday that he’s suffering a bought of Cold Water Tail, Broken Tail, Dead Tail, Broken Wag, or “broken butt toy” as a friend calls it. But it’s getting better, and seeing him wag his tail this morning was one of the best things all week.

dexter and i, much much younger

6. A Prayer for Moving Forward from Sandi Amorim of Deva Coaching. I left a comment for Sandi explaining that I think I’ve been praying this, wordlessly, formlessly, for a long time, but she gave me words, so here goes:

Are you there God [the one whose real name I do not know]? It’s me Jill.

I’ve had it, I’m done, I surrender.
I hereby give up my need to do it my way, and I’m asking for help.
Help me be clear, and of service.
Help me show up and share my gifts.

And please. . .

Help me get out of my own way.
I want to shine so bright that even you God, have got to wear shades.
I know what I’m here to do.
Help me do it.

Amen. And thank you, Sandi.

7. Speaking of amazing women… Two things were announced this week that are going to be so fantastic wicked awesome, I can’t hardly stand it.

Susan Piver announced her new Open Heart Project “Practioner” option, a year long paid subscription to so much good stuff I almost can’t bear to think about it, I get too excited, breathing becomes difficult, my chest gets tight, and I tear up. She will continue with her Open Heart Project “Basic,” so if you are interested in starting or maintaining a meditation practice, you should sign up. Since the new project doesn’t start until June, once you get on the mailing list, you will hear all about the “practitioner” option, if you are interested. For me, it’s such a perfect fit, such good timing, it feels like something Susan is doing just for me.

And, if that weren’t enough, I’m on the Roots of She mailing list, and this week Jenn Gibson announced the guides for the upcoming session of her Self-Love Warriors ecourse (hang on to your hat, tighten your seatbelt!):

Body: Hannah Marcotti, business and life coach and creator of Joy UP [soft and tender hearted warrior mamma whose presence is like an embodied lullaby]
Mind: Susan Piver, writer, teacher and New York Times best-selling author [amazing being of light and wisdom, fearless, brave and open hearted warrior]
Heart: Susannah Conway, photographer, author, retreat leader and creator of Unravelling [creative visionary, giggle instigator, maker and sharer of beauty & encouragement]
Soul: Jennifer Louden, bestselling author and the leader of the Savor & Serve movement [the queen of everything, who will show you how to be queen of your everything]

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that these are four of my very favorite women and self-love is one of my very favorite topics, so I can’t wait for this course!

Bonus Joy: Mother’s Day is this weekend. I have a mom, she’s great and she loves me, and I love her, and I get to remind her tomorrow. “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body,” (Elizabeth Stone). I’m so glad she was willing to make me, to care for me, to love me, and to let me “go walking around” outside her body.

I remember

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It’s been a rough, emotional week. I love many people who are actively suffering, confused, hurt, angry, and who can’t see their way out, can’t seem to get unstuck.

As someone who wants to help, to serve, it is incredibly painful to not be able to do anything, to not be able to fix it, to know that I can’t save them.

Even worse is that I can’t simply stand by and watch, untouched. Their pain, their poison seeps into me, into my porous heart, and I suffer too. I try to care for myself, but my chest and stomach cramp and ache, my heart and head hurt, I can’t sleep, and my right eye twitches for an entire day.

And within the past 24 hours, we’ve had difficulties with our boys. We discovered that Sam has Discoid Lupus Erythematosus, (a benign form of systemic lupus, a form of autoimmune disease, which manifests as loss of pigment on his nose, and dry, irritated, raw spots), and Dexter sprained his tail, (Limber tail syndrome, or acute caudal myopathy, a disorder of the muscles in the tail, usually affecting working dogs, also known as Cold Water Tail, Broken Tail, Dead Tail or Broken Wag).

It makes me so sad to see either of them hurt, but the real issue is that recognition of their pain leads to the realization, the remembering that they are mortal–some day they will die, and I will lose them. Our direct relationship, our time together is limited, we are impermanent.

And then there is another remembering, of those already gone and of the loss of them. Two years ago, Kelly was sent home from the hospital and those of us who loved her knew that the end was coming. We entered an awful season of waiting. It only lasted a few days, but it was also eternal, and in so many ways, it’s still happening.

Then and now, there is something so bizarre about the new life of Spring, the return to green, the flowering, the soft earth, the clear blue sky, the bird songs and baby animals, the soft warm new body of the whole thing in contrast with the blackness, the blindness of loss, the grief, the wailing and crying and disbelief, the emptiness, the suffering, the wreck and the broken, the raw of the rest.

That is life though, isn’t it? The horrific brutality and the precious brilliance. A cat smashed on the road, twisted, broken, someone’s lost soft love, and a butterfly resting on a flower, its wings folding and unfolding as it feeds, as it floats from bloom to bloom, drawn by their scent and their sweetness. There is bad in the world, life is brutal, and there is good in the world, life is beautiful–Life is precious, because it is both beautiful and brutal.

I remember…