Reverb14 | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

Project Reverb prompt: “Do Over: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present. Is there one moment you wish that you could do-over?”

I never know how to answer any sort of question about regret or what I might have done differently. It makes me think of science fiction stories where someone travels back in time and unwittingly wreaks havoc on the future, causes all sorts of chaos through what were seemingly minor changes. There are always dire warnings, horrible consequences involved in such a narrative when someone tampers with the way things already happened because there is no way to predict or comprehend how every little action will add up, how one change will ripple out and touch everything else.

Do I wish Eric and I wouldn’t have had that first fight at the beginning of our vacation this summer? Sure, it sucked, but it led to some really important conversations for us, a deepening of understanding and love. Do I wish I wouldn’t have chosen to work with that difficult person, that I would have trusted the red flags I noticed at the very beginning and said “no”? Sure, but that experience showed me I can be compassionate at the same time I’m setting boundaries. Do I wish I would have just bought the plane ticket when I first checked and it was affordable and surprised Sherry on her birthday? Sure, but I didn’t and what use is there in continuing to wish I had?

I have no way of knowing how one change, one do-over would impact the rest of my experience. I can’t second guess every choice after seeing its outcome. Life is way too complicated to understand how each detail and decision shifts the trajectory of my experience. I can’t wish to do anything over because every single breath led to where I am now, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Reverb14 Prompt: “We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which the Universe wants born into this world. What energies did you channel this year?”

I channeled compassion, bewilderment, gentleness, generosity, confusion, wisdom, self-awareness, being centered in practice, not knowing what to do, sadness, anger, anxiety, joy, grief, and love.

Project Reverb prompt: “Coulda woulda shoulda: What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure? Are you going to do it next year? Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?”

I didn’t always tell the truth because I was too scared.

I didn’t love myself completely because I was too afraid.

I wasn’t “all the way true to the call of my brilliant heart” because I was unsure.

I didn’t always let myself rest or grieve because I was too scared, too afraid, too unsure.

I didn’t let go of old habits of numbing out because I was too scared.

I wasn’t always present, sometimes didn’t show up because I was too afraid.

I didn’t surrender, let go, give up because I was unsure.

I’m going to next year, all of it. I’m going to be my own soft place to land. I won’t abandon myself, and if I do, I will be gentle, forgiving, have a sense of curiosity and humor about it.

Reverb14 prompt: “Loving what is: It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?”

I love that I’m still figuring it all out. I love that I’m confused. I love that I’m distracted, bewildered. I love how sweet and loving I can be, how gentle. I love how generous I am, even though it’s hard for me to receive. I love how tender, raw, and brokenhearted I sometimes feel. I love being able to laugh. I love my friends, so smart and kind and funny. I love my body and all that it enables me to do, how it allows the mess and the brilliance that is me to be embodied. I love that Eric and I still have to negotiate our relationship, that after all this time we still don’t have it perfect or right. I love Ringo’s exuberance. I love Sam’s laziness. I love how they balance each other out. I love knowing what I’m doing, being certain, but also not knowing. I love my practice — writing, meditation, yoga, and dog. I love what I’ve been able to accomplish and all the opportunity and possibility still available to me. I love reverbing. I love blogging. I love you.