Dog | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

So many things have bubbled up in the past few days, so many whispers and questions and fragments and fleeting thoughts, that the only title I could think of for this post was “collage,” a collection of things I am going to piece together, a composition of bits and pieces, hoping they amount to something whole.

art by Guillermo Perez Santos

I took some time to answer the questions from Patti Digh’s post on 37 Days, “What do you want to let go of? What do you want to create?” Here’s my lists:

What do I want/need to let go of as I end this year?

Distraction
Numbing out
Compulsive eating
Fear of failure
Fear of success
Waiting for permission
Staying stuck
Waiting to begin until the circumstances are perfect or the great idea hits
Being bullied and abused, by anyone, including me
Being in love with my problems, my brokenness
Being a victim
Negativity and criticism
Discursive mind
Confusion
Busyness
Self-hate
Judgement
People who don’t support, comfort, or “feed” me
Should
Have to
Pleasing, performing, and perfecting
Stress and exhaustion
Dis-ease
Pushing, forcing
Denying needs, delaying pleasure

What do I need to create in the new year?

Self-nurturing
Self-love
Self-care
Self-acceptance
Gratitude
Joy
Publications
A blog that’s a safe and supportive space, for me and my kind and gentle readers
An audience
Friendships that fuel my work, my path
Quiet and rest
Aspiration and intention
Trust and faith
Mindfulness
Awareness
Simplicity
Minimalism
Physical strength and ease
A healthy relationship with food
A balance of work and rest
Compassion
Wisdom
Bravery
Space and an open heart

Later, as I was reworking some of my “about” pages, for me and the blog, I was thinking about my evolving understanding of who I am, and what I have to offer.

from the Cool Hunter

I might not end up changing the whole world, but I do accept the reality that I can help change the world for some people, and at the very least, I can save myself. I am a compassionate visionary, an open-hearted warrior, a wholeheARTed and embodied practitioner of yoga, meditation, writing, and dog. 2011 was the year for me to become a better friend to myself. When I tried to think of what 2012 might be, I was careful to not start a long list of crazy plans and big ideas–you shouldn’t run a marathon the day you get your cast off your previously broken leg. There are stages of healing, and I still need some pretty serious rehab and rest.

So what will 2012 be?

Retreat.

I got an email the other day announcing that Pema Chödrön is going on retreat next year. In the Buddhist tradition, regular retreats are seen as an absolutely essential part of practice, of the path. Retreat is a time to withdraw from one’s “regular” life, to go to a place of safety and privacy, of protection and quiet, and to spend the time in prayer, meditation, reflection, and study. So, as Ani Pema will do, I am also going on retreat next year.

Okay, so I won’t actually be going anywhere. I can’t take a year off from my life and leave, but I can spend the next year sinking deeper into my practices (yoga, meditation, writing, and dog), open my heart wide, stay, sit, settle, be still. Maybe in this way, my great work will reveal itself, arise naturally. I will continue to work on being a better friend to myself, balancing my life between work and rest, proceeding with my life-rehab, and fully embodying my life, but I will do all this in the spirit of retreat.

This is important, because when I was working with the second set of Comfort Queen questions today, from Jennifer Louden‘s book “The Comfort Queen’s Guide to Life,” I realized something. The busyness and distraction that I struggle with, the wasting time on the internet, the obsessive checking, is because when I am tired, actually need rest, I can’t allow it unless I am sick or everything is done or it’s after 8 pm, because there is too much that needs doing. So to make that inner task master monster think I’m doing something so it’ll leave me alone, I do busywork. It’s like that bumper sticker, “Jesus is coming, look busy.”

Brokenness is learned, not innate. The path for me is the way back to what is already and what has always been whole, to embody and love what is, and to be who I am.

sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness
~Galway Kinnell

It’s Monday, so it’s time for me to tell you something good.

Just a cute baby owl. That is all.

Friday Birthdays. When your birthday is on a Friday, like mine was this year, there’s a universal rule that you get to celebrate the whole weekend. On Friday, a good friend took me to lunch, gave me a sweet gift (two actually, one was wrapped and the other was her telling me the nicest thing I’d ever done for her and how much it meant), lots of birthday wishes on Facebook (one of the top five reasons to have an account), one sweet email wishing me love and thanking me for a gift I had given that was “life-changing,” a present and phone call from my mom, and more presents from my aunt and boy (Eric made me a book with a secret compartment, so cool!).

Then on Saturday, another good friend took me to lunch and gave me a handmade gift (she’s an amazing artist, so even her cards are something special), and a phone call from my brother and another good friend. Sunday morning, we found that the mail had been delivered late in the evening, so there was a package from my brother and nieces, and another card from a good friend who always says the nicest things, Sunday morning yoga, and lunch at Mount Everest Cafe, where our favorite waiter didn’t even ask us what we wanted to start, he simply brought us out a chai and a glass of Fat Tire as soon as we sat down. It was an awesome birthday weekend.

Picture by Philip Bragg

Shantideva Quote: “If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?”

The Open Heart Project. I have a confession to make. I have been struggling with my meditation practice lately. Then I read about Susan Piver’s Open Heart Project on Jennifer Louden’s blog. Susan Piver is a student of the Shambhala tradition, which is also where my meditation practice started, so to begin, she comes from a place I understand. She’s shared a series of videos, meditation instruction and guided meditations anywhere from 5 to 40 minutes. Using these videos to focus my own practice has been so helpful.

Wishcasting Wednesday. This is something started by creative living coach and blogger, Jamie Ridler. She explains it this way: “What would happen if every week you made a wish? What magic might start to stir? Wishcasting Wednesday is a safe haven for wishes, a fertile field in which to plant wish seeds and have them witnessed and tended lovingly. It’s a place where magic begins.” I am going to add this feature to my Wednesday blog posts.

A New Post from Hyperbole and a Half. This is actually more than a month old now, but I somehow had missed it. I had thought/worried about Allie on and off over the past few months. She’d posted she was working on a book, but then disappeared, and knowing what I know about freaking out and freezing up even/especially in the face of something big and good, I wondered if she might be in trouble. Her latest post is called “Adventures in Depression,” and as always, it is heartbreaking, true, and funny. Sometimes I wonder if she realizes how brave and wonderful she really is.

Rachel W. Cole, and her list of suggested reading. I am so excited about her coming out to Fort Collins to do a Well-Fed Woman Mini-Retreatshop, (Sunday, February 19th, 12:30-3:30 at Om Ananda Yoga Studio–more details to come soon). On her website, Rachel shares her list of “11 Books that Changed My Life,” and you can also link to her much longer, full list of recommendations. I am starting with “Women, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything” by Geneen Roth.