Day of Rest

I saw this quote from Alex Elle on Facebook this morning, “I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.” I had a two part reaction to it: a deep down yes, and resistance. I look at the last few years of my life and I know for sure that even though horrible, hard things have happened, it’s because of them that I am so strong, capable of coping with what comes. At the same time, I’m a little angry and worn down from all the work and the suffering, and I want to reject the “gift” that it’s been, what I’ve gained because of it. I just want to be happy. I just want things to be easy.

Reading about Cattle Dogs, trying to understand Ringo’s temperment a bit better, I keep seeing people say something like “they are so hard, so much work, but so worth it.” Again — deep down yes, and resistance. He is challenging me, a strong willed and sometimes pushy dog who is super smart. I need so much help to figure out how to best teach him, provide him with the structure and care he needs to become the dog I need. And yet, sometimes I think to myself “what have I done?” I told Eric the other day, “what keeps me from giving up entirely is I know this is the dog we are supposed to have.” Eric answered, “even if he isn’t, he’s the dog we do have so we can’t give up.”

I move towards gratitude, even joy, and definitely surrender. I trust the deep down yes. I am mindful of the resistance while not getting too attached, not letting it hook me. And today, I rest.

This is the cover of my binder that I use for yoga pose cue sheets. As part of my yoga teacher training, after each weekend we are supposed to make cue cards,

…an index card for each asana with the English and Sanskrit names and an image of the pose (stick figure drawing or cut-and-paste image)…Larger index cards are helpful…to include more notes. As you cover each pose in class, note key actions, alignment, anatomy details, breath cues, imagery, and other insights on your cue cards. They should be easy to read for reference during practice teaching. This is a tool to facilitate your learning process…Cue cards are a dynamic record of your training and a great reference during and after this course.

I quickly discovered that index cards, even the larger ones, just weren’t big enough. I needed full sheets, entire pages, and a binder. I’m not sure if it’s because I need more support, more help learning this, or if it’s just how I always do things — going above and beyond the stated requirements. I know for sure that one reason is I am serious about this, I want to do this well. It matters to me.

P.S. A beautiful soundtrack to a lazy Sunday, any day of rest is available from NPR’s First Listen: Tycho, “Awake.” Besides old school R&B/funk and singer/songwriter’s like Aimee Mann, this is my absolute favorite kind of music, the sort equally good for writing or sitting in the yard in a lawn chair with a book or napping or going on a run.