Tag Archives: Challenge

#reverb13: Day 11

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reverb13Project Reverb prompt: “FAIL | What just didn’t work out this year? Is that okay with you? Or are you going to try, try again?”

Taking on too much. All you’d have to do is walk into my office at home right now and you’d be able to see it, the chaos and the overwhelm. It doesn’t work out, but I keep doing it. I posted on Facebook yesterday that “I’m feeling like the Jenga tower must feel at that moment when no matter what piece the next player pulls, the whole thing is going to come down.”

I continue to aspire to pare down, lower the bar, simplify, but saying “no” to really good stuff is hard. Right now I am in an Intuitive Eating book group, getting daily emails from four holiday programs (all intended to bring calm, ease to the season), taking part in all three Reverbs, and I took on an extra three people to buy gifts for. Oh yeah, and I have a full time job.

I also failed taking care of my body this year. I haven’t fed it what it wanted, when it wanted. I haven’t given it the rest it needs but rather pushed it past its limits. I haven’t let it move the way it wants to. I was talking with my trainer yesterday, and clarified something for myself by saying it out loud to him — My body actually wants 2-3 hours of intentional movement a day. I’m one of those people who actually loves exercise, getting out and moving around. Even on a rest day, my body at least wants a walk. And yet, because I am so busy and tired, I can’t give it this. I push and then I struggle.

It all boils down to this: I haven’t been honoring my hunger or fullness, in any aspect of my life.

Reverb13 prompt: “What challenges lie ahead in 2014? How might you meet them boldly?”

The challenges that I’m aware of: Yoga teacher training, an ebook about self-compassion, a new (to us) dog, spending money more mindfully, resisting ecourses and new books, new responsibilities at CSU, continuing to practice intuitive eating, working with anxiety that keeps showing up, a crisis of confidence and an awareness that love is never safe.

How to meet them boldly? Show up, keep my heart open, be present, pace myself, soothe and comfort myself when I feel overwhelmed, practice self-compassion, honor my hunger and my fullness in all areas of my life.

Besottment Prompt: “10 things you were thankful for in 2013?”

Besides the 5-6 things I’ve listed each week in my Gratitude Friday lists,

  1. Eric — how could I do it, any of it, without him?
  2. Sam — he’s helped me through my grief twice now.
  3. Dexter’s easy death, the extra time we had with him.
  4. Friendship, love and connection, support and guidance.
  5. Self-compassion, for all those who’ve taught me and for the chance to practice.
  6. Kind and gentle readers.
  7. Intuitive eating.
  8. Smart phones — I was skeptical, but now I can’t imagine not having it.
  9. Financial stability, in a time when it seems so many are struggling.
  10. All the good things, all the amazing people and the brilliant stuff they create and do. I make a list every Monday and am always gobsmacked.

#reverb13: Day Five

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reverb13Challenge: Did you take on a new challenge? What was it? Is there are challenge you deliberately avoided? What do you want to do to challenge yourself in 2014?

The new challenge was to shift my paradigm, my perspective and behavior, specifically in relation to food and my body, which leads to a shift in the whole shebang really. I entered the year feeling drained, having less energy, filled with a general sense of “this is not working.” I was tired of beating myself up, using criticism as a way to motivate myself, pushing past my limits, denying my needs, not allowing myself to have what I wanted, swinging between starving and stuffing myself, smashing myself to bits. It was a 30+ year failed experiment and I was finally willing to admit it and try something different.

At first, I sought out an expert, someone who could tell me what to do, fix me, heal me. I thought that meant I needed a new doctor, but we all know how that turned out, and I realized that it was actually about self-compassion, and the fact I wasn’t practicing it. I asked women I know to share their experience and practice, got a therapist, started practicing Intuitive Eating with an amazing group of women and brilliant facilitator to support me. I stopped dieting and weighing myself, stopped using external expectations as a measure of my worth, asked my body what it wanted to eat, how it wanted to move, what it needed. With help and support, I am becoming my own expert. I am saving myself by trusting myself.

gorgeous5mattebyandrea

another picture from my photo shoot with Andrea Scher

The challenges I’ve avoided are related to my old habit of attempting to fix everything, thinking I was responsible. There are some difficulties I’ve had to release, in part because they don’t belong to me, are someone else’s problem. I do what I can, what I need to, and let the rest go. I lowered the bar to give myself room, ease, a chance at some success.

What I want to challenge myself to in 2014 — stop being a student and become the teacher, recognize my own truth, honor my own wisdom and authority, immerse myself in yoga teacher training to continue to repair and deepen my relationship to my physical body, change how I spend money so I can use more to manifest the future I’m working towards, put together a beautiful book and continue writing the other one, open my heart to another dog knowing full well it will break my heart, continue choosing a way of being that allows my life to feel like I want it to feel, trust my intuition about what to do next.

“What was the greatest risk you took in 2013? What was the outcome?“ I put myself out there, showed up as I am. One way I did that was to attend three workshops in California with people I adored, some of whom I’d never met in person. These people mattered to me, and there was a risk that we’d meet and feel “meh…” or even worse, “yuck!” That didn’t happen, in fact those connections were deepened, enriched by the time we spent together.

my friend Sherry Richert Belul, who I finally met in person this fall

Another way I showed up, was present is here, this blog.  I wrote a lot about my experience, my struggles and joys, and there’s again always a risk that my kind and gentle readers would respond with “meh…” or even worse, “yuck!” And maybe some did, but others of you have not only stuck around, but offered me such kindness and support. I am so grateful for you.

P.S. Since Besottment typically posts the prompts later in the day, rather than wait, or come back and add to an already published post, I’ve decided to simply respond to those a day late.