Category Archives: Dexter

Gratitude Friday

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samandlittled

1. Sam. I’m not sure what I’d do without him right now, THE dog, (well, I know what I’d do — probably rescue two more dogs immediately). I had Little D on top of Dexter’s crate, along with his ashes, collar, and a clay paw print. Sam noticed it there and asked to have it. At first I said no, just like I did when Dexter was still here, “no, that’s Dexter’s toy.” It only took a few minutes of that sweet face, the way he’d look at me, look at the toy, look back at me, sitting so polite and patient, before I gave in and let him have it. We played for a few minutes and then he got in his crate with it, which is when I took this picture. Sam is his own kind of sad about losing his brother.

2. The promise of our garden harvest. Most of our strawberries didn’t survive the heat, some of the flowers I transplanted are a bit droopy and wilted, and most of our lettuce was eaten by bugs, but there are baby cucumber and zucchini squash, tomatoes and peppers, and Eric has been using our basil when he makes pizza.

3. Tribe, smart, creative, loving friends, both online and in the flesh, all real, who are working on the same things I am, doing the same practice, setting the same intentions, giving me support and offering inspiration, making me smile.

4. Books. I just ordered the new Neil Gaiman novel, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, (his wife wrote a really good blog post about it, The Ocean at the End of the Lane (A Book & Marriage Review)), and Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche’s new book, The Shambhala Principle: Discovering Humanity’s Hidden Treasure, and I can’t wait to read them. I am so grateful that there is so much beauty and wisdom so easily accessible.

5. New Girl, Season One, now available on Netflix streaming. I had missed the first part of the season, started watching late on Hulu.com, but now that it’s on Netflix I can catch up, (I clearly had missed WAY more than I realized). I love that show. The comedy happens in the context of people caring about each other, living together, and in the mess of that relationship, utterly beautiful and awkward and full of grace and completely complicated, the comedy naturally arises rather than resorting to stereotypes and meanness like so much other comedy seems to do. It’s smart funny, heart funny, real funny.

Bonus Joy: Yoga and weight training. I hadn’t been for a few weeks because first I was sick, then Dexter. It was good to get back to it.

Freedom, an Update

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freedomthanksgivingcrow

The secret to happiness is freedom. And the secret to freedom is courage. ~Thucydides

Independence Day in the U.S. seems like a good day to check in about how I’m doing with the guiding word I chose for 2013: Freedom. I’ve been thinking a lot about how much has changed in a year. People in my online community are posting about their preparations for World Domination Summit (WDS), which is this weekend. This event is the one year anniversary of Dexter’s first cancer symptoms, a reverse sneeze and bloody nose. I was at WDS and Eric was at “our house” in Waldport with the dogs. He didn’t tell me what had happened because he knew I’d worry, maybe even want to leave the event early.

His first thought was cancer, he could hardly help it after what happened to our Obi, but Dexter wouldn’t be diagnosed for another month, and even then it was “we aren’t 100% sure, but all the symptoms indicate a fatal nasal tumor.” We were told we’d only have 2-3 months with him, but we had almost a whole year, made it within a week of that anniversary.

peacefeet

My experience of freedom right now is strange, mixed, complicated.
Yes, I am free from Dexter’s cancer (as is he), released from the worry and the anxiety and the caretaking; and yet that freedom also means a direct and powerful relationship with grief, loss, and sadness, which doesn’t exactly feel free. In terms of my disordered eating, I have a kind hearted and experienced therapist to help me work through it, let it go, be free from it, but that’s clearly going to be harder than I thought. I have a list of almost 20 reasons I do what I do, which create a resistance to letting go of the behavior, freeing myself from this way of being.

Another form of freedom I long for is from my paid work, so I can devote myself fully to my heart’s work. One friend, a trained coach, helped me see I’m at a 10 now and that my ideal is a 5, (in terms of what I do, the effort involved), and another helped me to see the easiest and maybe only way for me to get from 10 to 5 would be to give up my paid work. And yet, that’s so difficult, and not an immediate option, so that particular freedom has to wait.

Fear is the cage, love is the key.

heartfeet

When I described how I wanted to experience freedom, I used words like simplicity, space, ease, surrender, clarity, and openness. Some of this is certainly happening, even around the places I feel stuck.

  • I’m decluttering my work space, creating a place at home that honors what I am truly doing, simple and clear.
  • I’m clear about the next steps in my “escape plan,” what I should be focusing on in my heart’s work. Sometimes this is about having a specific goal and working towards it, and other times it is about surrendering to the process, allowing what shows up, being open to mystery and magic, even mayhem.
  • I socialize less and less, and the things I commit to are what truly feed me, providing inspiration and comfort and joy, move me forward or help me “stay in my seat.”
  • Even thought I’m stuck in some places, I have so much more clarity about why, can see and understand what I’m really doing, what I’m getting out of it, and I forgive myself.
  • Losing Dexter was so hard, but I surrendered to that experience, stayed open and present, still am.
  • My body continues to ask for more rest, and I’m doing my best to provide it, to keep a more gentle pace, to seek out ease.

It’s not impermanence per se, or even knowing we’re going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. Rather, it’s our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. Another word for that is freedom—freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human. ~Pema Chödrön