#reverb15: Self(ie)

reverb2015

Prompt: “If you’ve been a part of Reverb before, you know that this is the bit where I invite you to share your favourite photo of yourself from the year (selfie or otherwise).”

I didn’t take many selfies this year. I’m having a hard time allowing my body to be as it is. For almost 40 years, I overexercised and dieted to look like what I was “supposed to” look like. This turned into an eating disorder, binging when my body and heart couldn’t stand the deprivation any longer, and then starving and overexercising to try and compensate for the extra food I was eating. I lost and regained the same pounds over and over. I also spent those years hating myself, anxious and depressed, and at times suicidal.

I don’t ever want to go back there. And I’ve said I’d rather be fat than ever be that particular version of unhappy again, and I mean it, but…it’s hard. I know that where I am is temporary, the pendulum necessarily swinging the other way before it settles at a midpoint, a middle way. And I will learn to love it, accept it just as it is, no matter where it lands.

And still, it’s difficult. I’m uncomfortable, and it’s hard to allow my body to be as it is, to feed it and let it rest, to care for it, to not push or force or attempt to control it, to trust it and trust myself.

mebeach

The truth is I want my story to be the one where she stopped starving herself, stopped overexercising, stopped smashing herself to bits and started intuitive eating, joyfully moving, loving herself, and it resulted in a thin, fit body.

The real story is that while the first part is true, it has so far resulted in a more relaxed, more content, soft, bigger body that bears the weight of years of mistreatment and some deep, heavy love.

14 thoughts on “#reverb15: Self(ie)

    1. Hallelujah Truth

      Jill! I really understand what you are saying here about self acceptance. I was recently at a family gathering during which I heard remarks about the women’s over large hip size and small bosom. What a reminder of the journey I have made with regards to my own body image. I really love all of me. My main goal is to be healthy. Period. How I look to others has really diminished. Healthy body and healthy spirit! Yes. I appreciate your openness in writing about your journey and sharing your self acceptance.

      Reply
  1. barbranostay

    This whole “body image”thing is insane when you think about it – we women really got sucked in hook ,line and sinker by the big retailers. It was all contrived so well that before we knew it , we were hating our own beautiful bodies in an effort to conform to their (mostly male -probably all male!) standards of what constitutes “beauty”. To think that we should all look essentially the same , is ridiculous , So, thank you Jill, once again for reminding us that we must accept our bodies whatever their shape and size because we are all different and that’s perfectly fine!

    Reply
  2. Fil Campbell

    You look beautiful 🙂 Women have given other women such a hard time in our society – I love to see the younger generation being happy in their own skin – wouldn’t it be wonderful to be like them.

    Reply
  3. Jennifer Williams-Fields

    I’ve also given up over exercising this year (although I don’t know yet if it’s permanent , time will tell I suppose). I recently caught a glimpse of myself out one night and though at first I hated what I saw, I then remembered how much fun I was having. I’m waiting for the pendulum to swing to a middle place where I can be content .

    Reply
  4. JyllianM

    Thank you for your openness. I still battle with this myself, sometimes it seems to have worsened as I’ve gotten older because older women become invisible.

    Reply

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