Wishcasting Wednesday

image from jamie's post

What do you wish people knew about you?

I wish people knew how hard I try. I am working so hard to be wise, generous, kind, and beneficial. I am trying to do good work, great work even. I am trying to help, trying to learn, trying to evolve, trying to be good, trying to make things better. I am trying not to take up too much space or do too much damage, or be too needy or too irritating or too loud or too emotional. Every day, I am trying. I fall down and I get back up, try again. It might look to you like I’m not making much progress, or maybe I’m in your way or not doing what you need from me, but please understand how hard I try.

I wish people knew how much I care. And that this causes me great suffering. I am so in love with you, with all of it, that when I see you hurt, when I see aggression and pain, it breaks my heart. I want you to be free, to have what you want, to be happy and safe. I want us all to help each other, stop hurting.  Not long ago, I saw a poster that read “the world is your oyster,” but I misread it to say “the world is your sister,” and this is how I feel–connected, open-hearted, and raw.

I wish people knew how sensitive I am. I don’t have thick skin or a hard heart. I am easily hurt. I don’t have any kind of wall or protection against external energy or events, or the emotions of others. When I’m in situations with really negative stuff, I have to work extra hard to care for myself, to make sure I don’t get overwhelmed, swallowed up or beaten down by it. I have to even be careful about what I watch on TV, because if bad things happen to the characters on a show, I carry that fear and pain with me. I often find myself in a funk, and when I check in to see where it’s coming from, it’s an article I read or a show I watched or something happening to someone I love–not my personal yuck at all, but it gets in, settles there. It’s especially difficult for me with people who are out of touch with their own emotions and motivations, because I can read those things, can’t ignore or block them, and their denial and lack of awareness can be crazy-making for me.

I wish people knew how slow I am. I am like the sloth of human evolution and learning. It takes me forever to figure things out, in part because I want my knowledge to be deep and whole. I can’t accept anything less than complete understanding. I want to know how things work, how they are put together, why they exist, and what that means in a larger sense. I stay in the mind of a beginner for a really long time, seeming utterly naive and maybe even a little stupid. But when I finally understand, I embody it. It’s a deep down knowing. I can then teach it, explain it, help others to understand, kindly facilitate the process, as long as it takes. It takes patience, but it is so worth the wait. I’ll get there, and I am worth the wait.

24 thoughts on “Wishcasting Wednesday

  1. April Cole

    Oh, such a gentle soul loving you are. ((hugs)) :]
    Thank you for being so open and honest, truly.
    As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.
    You are worth it!!!
    oxox

    Reply
  2. julia

    I have chills, Jill (that wasn’t an intentional rhyme :)…I could have written this. it sounds exactly like me–not surprising we have connected.

    My wish for you is that you See how truly, deeply, utterly beautiful you are. You melt my heart with your beauty…could it be that I’m talking to myself here too? That’s usually how it works.

    I can feel you sitting in the center of my heart…

    So beautiful.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Oh, Julia. If we are alike, I can absolutely accept that, see myself that way–the way I see you (I am so enjoying this love fest we are having!). I see it some of the time, but I’m easily rattled and ask (okay, I’ll admit it, sometimes I demand) a lot from myself, so it’s good to be reminded that I am, just as I am.

      Reply
  3. mj

    Jill, as you wish for yourself, so I also wish for you.

    And a question: I too joined AYWM and I keep falling further and further behind. How do you keep up? I’m still working through wk 3, having just completed wk 2, so much stuff unearthing and I can’t imagine it gets any less intense with the other weeks4,5….. which I’ve stopped opening since I’m feeling pressured enough.

    And, a link that I am using to replace my daily small stone for the next while:
    http://www.viviennemcmaster.com/

    Thank you for putting to words and voice so much universal truth.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Is that your blog?! It’s beautiful!

      As for AYWM, I knew I would struggle. It’s asking us to face really big stuff, meanies with teeth, every week, and even if I could keep up, I think I’d be drained. I typically don’t even get the chapter read until I already have the next one, haven’t been able to listen to any of the audio, and have only done a few of the activities. I am being gentle with myself and doing what I can, diving in deeper in the places that call to me, but knowing that I have all the time I need and can come back to any part at any point. I’ll only get further behind because I’m going to take some online classes, do a few retreats, and I’m in training to be a meditation instructor, etc. So, be gentle with yourself and know that we are all there to learn to love ourselves better, and to do so together, to support that however we can.

      Reply
      1. mj

        Thank you for the encouragement about AYWM.

        No, the blog is not mine, I only recently found it. I am excited about participating, even though it means more distraction from the heavy work of AYWM.

  4. Camilla

    I too get upset by movies, tv shows, the news, etc. I avoid them.
    Your wish is so gently written – very moving.
    As you wish for yourself, so i wish for you also.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Oh yeah, Camilla. I haven’t watched the news since September 11th, (I was watching when the Twin Towers fell, and I never watched again). I can barely listened to NPR in the mornings either. The closer it gets to election season, the worse it gets. So yucky.

      So, what are your “go to” happy shows?

      Reply
  5. Michèle Suzanne

    “The world is your sister”. Exactly. It can be tough and feel raw on one, but so fullfiling too…And you are great, Jill. Thank you for everything you give.

    Reply
  6. Gin

    Your post is such a wonderful sharing of your self, and rings with such truth. I love your blog and I’m so glad I found it! Thank you for posting on my blog… what you said there (that you suspect that, like you, gentleness is my superpower) gave me absolute chills when I read it… because I have never looked at it that way, but immediately I knew it to be true. Thank you so much for those words.

    As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      I’m glad you found it too. The first time someone said that to me, about my gentleness, (Susan Piver at the Open Heart Project) I had the same reaction. I think we sometimes forget that softer, smaller things like kindness, quiet, stillness, and gentleness are incredibly powerful, and often times, exactly what is needed.

      Reply
  7. Eydie

    Jill,

    I also wish for you what you wish for yourself.
    Your words always convey such truth and beautiful.
    Your words are a true reflection of who you are … unfolding to be.

    See your words as an extension to yourself.

    I am so grateful for the inspiration you share.

    I’m also loving being a part of this “love chain” Julie and J created.
    xoxo

    Reply
  8. Jane

    Wow,I am somewhat taken aback, as I often feel you are reading my mind and transcribing my thoughts, not just here but on so many of your blog posts, though I must admit you do articulate them much better than I ever could 🙂

    Having just discovered our blog, I am really enjoying reading it when time allows.
    I am so grateful that you share your thoughts so openly and honestly.

    As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.
    Oh, and can I wish that I belonged to this love and hug fest….could really do with it at the present moment.

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub

      Yes, Jane! Join in the love fest, please. And I’m sending you a big hug (and I’m warning you, I never let go first), and wishing some relief, some ease around whatever is nagging you.

      Reply
      1. Jane

        As I too am one of those that never lets go first, it was a great hug and put me back into balance. Just what was needed to deal with all that life brings.

        Thanks Jill, your kindness is appreciated.

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