01 | February | 2012 | A Thousand Shades of Gray

image from jamie's post

What do you wish people knew about you?

I wish people knew how hard I try. I am working so hard to be wise, generous, kind, and beneficial. I am trying to do good work, great work even. I am trying to help, trying to learn, trying to evolve, trying to be good, trying to make things better. I am trying not to take up too much space or do too much damage, or be too needy or too irritating or too loud or too emotional. Every day, I am trying. I fall down and I get back up, try again. It might look to you like I’m not making much progress, or maybe I’m in your way or not doing what you need from me, but please understand how hard I try.

I wish people knew how much I care. And that this causes me great suffering. I am so in love with you, with all of it, that when I see you hurt, when I see aggression and pain, it breaks my heart. I want you to be free, to have what you want, to be happy and safe. I want us all to help each other, stop hurting. Not long ago, I saw a poster that read “the world is your oyster,” but I misread it to say “the world is your sister,” and this is how I feel–connected, open-hearted, and raw.

I wish people knew how sensitive I am. I don’t have thick skin or a hard heart. I am easily hurt. I don’t have any kind of wall or protection against external energy or events, or the emotions of others. When I’m in situations with really negative stuff, I have to work extra hard to care for myself, to make sure I don’t get overwhelmed, swallowed up or beaten down by it. I have to even be careful about what I watch on TV, because if bad things happen to the characters on a show, I carry that fear and pain with me. I often find myself in a funk, and when I check in to see where it’s coming from, it’s an article I read or a show I watched or something happening to someone I love–not my personal yuck at all, but it gets in, settles there. It’s especially difficult for me with people who are out of touch with their own emotions and motivations, because I can read those things, can’t ignore or block them, and their denial and lack of awareness can be crazy-making for me.

I wish people knew how slow I am. I am like the sloth of human evolution and learning. It takes me forever to figure things out, in part because I want my knowledge to be deep and whole. I can’t accept anything less than complete understanding. I want to know how things work, how they are put together, why they exist, and what that means in a larger sense. I stay in the mind of a beginner for a really long time, seeming utterly naive and maybe even a little stupid. But when I finally understand, I embody it. It’s a deep down knowing. I can then teach it, explain it, help others to understand, kindly facilitate the process, as long as it takes. It takes patience, but it is so worth the wait. I’ll get there, and I am worth the wait.

Small Stone: Japanese Ladybug

Sitting in my office, at my computer, in Eddy Hall, eating an apple. I look down at my desk and see a bug is on its back, legs flailing wildly, trying unsuccessfully to right itself. I flip it over and–a ladybug! Where did she come from? How did she get in here? My apple is from Washington, did she ride all the way to Colorado on a Gala?

I hadn’t realized there were varieties of ladies, but apparently, she’s Japanese. The Asian lady beetle, sometimes known as the Halloween lady beetle or the Japanese lady beetle, range in color from yellow to orange to red, spots ranging from zero to 20, with “faces” that generally have a black “M”-like shape. Hers looks more like a “W” or a bird.

After spending some time with her, watching her crawl around on my desk, hand, and arm, thinking about Kelly (many who love and miss her have had an increase in ladybug sightings–one person saw one in church in the middle of winter, I encountered an entire colony last summer), I take her outside and let her go. Hopefully, if she’s not a native, this Colorado Winter won’t be too cold for her, mild as it’s seemed to the rest of us.