Yes, I brought twinkle lights with me on retreat. Somehow I needed them.

This is my last morning on retreat with Susan Piver at Shambhala Mountain Center. It is also the shortest day and longest night of the year. It’s super windy outside this morning and I still need to shower and pack before heading to breakfast. We’ll walk up together to meditate and write in the stupa this morning, and later I’ll drive home and see my tiny family and most likely crap out for the rest of the day. A lot has happened in the past few weeks and I am really tired right now, but also feeling so content and strong. I’ve had a better internet connection here than the last time I stayed, so I can share this with you now, kind and gentle reader.

Reverb14: Day 20

Project Reverb prompt: “What products have you discovered this year that you love?  Tell us all about them, and why you love them.”

This isn’t a product so much as a person, although she does produce a sort of product – music: Daniella Andrade. I am especially in love with her Christmas EP right now. She has such a beautiful voice.

Reverb14 prompt: “How could you make space for joy in the year to come? How could you protect it?”

It seems like the key to making space for joy is making space for me to relax. I don’t mean the sloppy or asleep kind of relaxing, but rather what happens when I stop pushing, rushing, smashing and grabbing.

Reverb14: Day 21

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you get rid of this year?  Physical things you tossed out or donated?  Or did you purge a bad relationship, job, etc…?”

We let go of our land line. I cleaned out my linen closet. I got rid of clothes that were uncomfortable, worn, or things I just didn’t like or wear. I stopped dieting and weighing myself. I’m slowly allowing my hair to revert to its natural coloring without highlights and I’m not getting it cut so much. The thing I still haven’t been able to do, even though he’s been gone for almost a year and a half, is to change the lock screen image on my phone from the picture of my sweet Dexter.

Reverb14 prompt: “Today, I’d like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14. How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty? Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:

In 2015, I am open to…
In 2015, I want to feel…
In 2015, I will say no to…
In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…
In December 2015, I want to look back and say…”

I would say the same things I did on December 1^st, and the only thing I might add is that even though I might understand bad things happen, can happen at any time, I am still surprised and upset when they do, and knowing what can happen doesn’t make it any easier when it does.

In 2015, I am open to new opportunities, whatever might arise and surprise me, take me in a direction I wasn’t necessarily expecting.

In 2015, I want to feel nourished, fed and cherished. I want to feel joy. I want to feel love. I want to feel ease and comfort.

In 2015, I will say no to taking on more than I can handle, things that feel like a “should,” anything motivated by aggression, smashing myself to bits or beating myself up, restriction and control, moving or eating in a way that isn’t about being hungry for it.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when I feel at ease and clear. But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly redirect, let go and come back.

In December 2015, I want to look back and say I’m healthy and well, made choices guided by wisdom and compassion.

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you wrestle with in 2014?  What did you learn?  What challenges do you foresee in 2015?”

I wrestled with conflicting desires. On the one hand, I want to do a good job at CSU, earn my benefits and pay, but on the other hand I’m yearning to do more of my own thing, teaching and writing outside that context. On the one hand, I want to be in relationship and of service, but on the other hand I want to be utterly alone and selfish. On the one hand I want to be a part of the digital world, but on the other hand I want to be disconnected. On the one hand I want to have all the things, but on the other hand I want nothing more than a simple, minimal life.

I wrestled with time. There’s so much I want to do on any given day, and then there are the necessities of things like sleeping and taking a shower and feeding myself, and I try to fit it all in but there just isn’t enough time.

I wrestled with grief and impermanence. I still miss Dexter so much, Obi too. I have two dogs and love them, but they’ll die too, as will everyone I love. As will I.

I wrestled with myself. With my own suffering and confusion, with my ego, with my impatience and discomfort and irritation, with the ways of being and habits that no longer serve me, with the short sighted ways I try to soothe and comfort myself.

Reverb14 Prompt: “What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?”

Repeating numbers. Time (11:11 am) and word counts for something I’m writing (1111). The colors turquoise and purple. All things related to practice, specifically writing and yoga and meditation, showing up in places you wouldn’t expect them.

But I don’t know if these are signs meant to lead me somewhere so much as things I’m noticing because I’m looking for them, because I’m paying attention and already know where I’m going – like when you are looking for a particular street, knowing once you find it that’s where you’ll turn.