1. Morning walks: It was the Wild Kingdom out there this week: red tailed hawks squawking, a pack of coyotes yipping, flocks of crows murdering, mama deer with multiple babies, beavers swimming, herons fishing and one taking a bath in the river, an owl hunting, and toads hopping across the trail. That doesn’t even count all the ducks, geese, and rabbits we see on the regular. It’s one of my favorite things about where we live: all the animals.

2. Practice. Nothing is “back to normal” and I’m not even sure what the new normal looks like, but practice is always there and I can always go back to it, start over, begin again: meditation, yoga — in particular at Red Sage, and writing — especially with my Friday morning group. Moving my body also feels like it should count, so along with morning walks there’s also getting back in the pool and going to Pilates.

3. Reading. Our book club pick was really good this time, (Wild Dark Shore), and am excited to talk about it this weekend with them. I just finished reading Kin by Tayari Jones and really liked it. I also already listened to most of the audio and read most of the ebook version of Heart Minded: How to Hold Yourself and Others in Love by Sarah Blondin, and now I’m working my way through the paper copy, underlining and highlighting and adding notes. It’s given me an idea for a gentle, restorative yoga class series I want to teach, as well as being so helpful to me personally. I’m also still loving working my way through every book Terry Tempest Williams ever wrote, and it’s making me want to go back and read A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold which I first read as an undergraduate. 

4. Streaming content. Yes, most of my services are problematic, I know, but they continue to keep me afloat when so much else on the internet is crap. This week I watched Rooster on HBO and really enjoyed it. In terms of the rules and consequences around teaching at a university, it wasn’t very accurate, but it was still fun. I started watching Dish podcast after seeing some clips and really like it. I continue to work my way through Mike Birbiglia’s Working it Out and Amy Poehler’s Good Hang after having caught up with all four seasons of Do You Need a Ride with Chris Fairbanks and Karen Kilgariff. I also found a really good yoga mix on Spotify for class this week, except for that one song that had sounds that made us think there was a cat loose and crying somewhere in the clinic. As soon as I heard about Glen Hansard’s passing, I purchased access to Once, the gorgeous movie where I first heard him play and sing that has one of the best soundtracks ever, (the scenes of him on his motorcycle are hard to rewatch under the circumstances). 

5. My tiny family, small house, little life. I’m a bit more settled this week but still pretty out of sorts. It’s a heavy season in my life and I’m trying to come to terms with the hard truths of aging and death and the lack of control I have over any of it. I am making an effort to find peace of mind amidst the chaos and calamity that is life and probably will until mine is over. Ringo is continuing to follow me everywhere and if he isn’t right with me, he’s recently checked on me. Right now, he is on the floor next to me, and I don’t mind that at all.

Bonus joy: our “new” bed (not sure when it stops being new), peaches, any pie that Eric makes and I get to eat, onion poppy seed buns, the sound of hummingbirds, being a huge dork and telling that guy we see walking at Kestrel sometimes about the coyotes we heard and him saying, “that’s so cool!”, the mama crossing the road with three babies and how everyone stopped and waited for her and were smiling as they drove away after they’d safety gotten to the other side of the road, cool air in the morning, our whole house fan, a/c, being able to get the laundry done before it gets too hot out, pay day, ink refills for my favorite pens, texting with Chloe’ and Chris, sitting in the sauna after being in the pool, the hydromassage chair, Tracy’s small group training class, how good Ringo did at his appointment on Monday, grapefruit Bubly, how Venture let it slide that I forgot he doesn’t like me to pet him (he’s just so adorable it’s hard to remember sometimes) and the way he sighed after I read that poem during shavasana, that Megan was there for yoga after not being able to come for a long time, how comfortable they all are after practicing with me for so long — all the jokes and the complaining, talking with Wendy about life stuff before we started writing, the look Ringo gave me when Wendy’s cat showed up while we were writing and meowed really loud, how excited he was about the cat that was sitting on our front porch when we opened the door to leave for our walk this morning, how he sometimes so clearly understands what we are saying, other people’s gardens and pets and kids, leftovers, the flowers Eric got me, naps, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.

1. Morning walks. We have been seeing lots of baby deer and the other day we saw something we hadn’t seen in a few years: a mama racoon and her four babies.

2. Spending those final days with Mom. I can’t say that her passing was entirely peaceful. In fact, there were moments that were hard to be with, ones that I’d call traumatic even. And still, I’m glad I was there with her. I’m also grateful it’s over. There’s a reason they refer to dementia as “the long goodbye.” You lose parts of a person, bit by bit, over time. I’m glad she doesn’t have to exist in that tired, broken body anymore. I’m also glad that even with dementia, she never forgot who we were. AND, I miss my mom like crazy and my heart is broken. I’m grateful for the family and friends who sat with me, for my brother and cousin who let me stay with them when I wasn’t with Mom, for those who cared for Mom in all the practical ways, for the animals that offered their companionship and comfort, and especially for my brother, the only one really and fully in it with me in a way no one else could or would understand.

3. Good food. Other than sit in that chair next to Mom, the main things I did were sleep and eat. There was lots of good food while I was there: marionberry scones from Great Harvest, a marionberry pie made by my “Auntie T,” Love Love Teriyaki, that sandwich from Acme Cafe I can’t stop thinking about, the meals at Thompson’s with Annie and Chris, that night I had “dinner” at Dairy Queen, and the obligatory stops at Carl’s Jr and Burgerville.

4. Dana, my masseuse for the past ten years. She was able to fit me in to her already packed schedule yesterday and as it turns out, it may be my last massage with her. She got a new job as a school counselor that starts in August. It wasn’t a surprise, as she’d been working on her Master’s degree the past two years, but it is a huge loss for me as she has been both magic and medicine for my heart and body all these years. I didn’t know going into our appointment yesterday it might be our last, so am glad I had already bought her some bread from The Bread Chic to go with the marionberry jam I brought for her and had written a card telling her how much I appreciate her.

5. Mom and Dad’s house listed and sold. After only three showings and four days on the market, we accepted a full price offer. As with everything else, it was both a relief and so sad. My brother worked SO HARD to get it ready and it turned out so nice, I’m not surprised it went so fast. Mom passed only a few days later, like she knew somehow she couldn’t go back to this house, so it was time to go home. Some of my worst memories happened in this house, some of my hardest moments, but there’s also a part of me that is going to miss it because there would good memories too and it was the last place my parents lived together.

6. My tiny family, small house, little life. This is it now, my one and only home. Even if you never intended to, knowing you could always go home, return to that place and those people…losing that option is so sad. Rooted and solid and satisfied as I am here, I still feel a bit adrift, untethered. AND it is still true that there’s no place I’d rather be than here with them. Poor Ringo has a wonky belly, his first in a while, and I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the stress of our trip to Oregon and me leaving for nine days after we were only back for a week. He’s been sticking right by me ever since I returned.

Bonus joy: listening to podcasts, sleeping in my own bed, getting in the pool, using the sauna and massage chair, cards in the mail, getting to hug Chloe’, a/c, not too many mosquitoes, more water in the river, blooper reels, comedy, poetry, watching TV shows and movies that are “easy,” not having to look out my front window and see my old neighbor’s political flags anymore, other people’s gardens, the Farmer’s Market, small flower farms, baby racoons, cinnamon swirl bread toasted with butter, leftover pizza, our air fryer, our new patio furniture, stickers, cherries, animal cookies, onion poppy seed buns, breakfast burritos, a big glass of cold clean water, Ringo’s care team, both the cute and the sassy things he does, hearing from people who used to work with Mom, texting with Chris, the sweetest mail from Kelly’s mom Susan, my favorite mugs, my favorite fork and spoon, a warm shower, curly hair, book club, Eric trying to spend less time on his phone, clean laundry, making each other laugh, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep, having this blog to come back to.