Gratitude Friday

sunrise1. Walking the dogs. They get me up, get me out. As Ringo gets older, more grown up and less crazy, it gets easier to walk both dogs, which makes it more enjoyable for the human. In the morning, we go early enough that I get to see the sun come up. They don’t care, but it amazes me every time.

2. Christmas shopping. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t usually enjoy shopping, and sometimes I even hate it. However, it does make me happy to be able to buy gifts for people I love, to find the exact right thing. I also take part in the Pine Ridge Holiday Project every year, and buying for people who need so much, have so little makes every crappy day I ever have at work totally worth it. The best part of shopping this year is that I’m almost done.

3. The relatively good health of my dogs. Ringo had a case of puppy warts but it never got that bad and is almost cleared up. Sam had another bought of what we call “scritchiness” but is feeling better now after some treatment. We are taking him to the Dermatology department at the CSU Vet hospital to see if we can either determine the underlying cause and manage it better, or discover a more effective way to treat him.  Watching Sam and Ringo play in the backyard still makes me stupidly happy since when Ringo first came home, we didn’t know if Sam would get healthy enough to do so, or if he’d even still be around.

boysplaying4. Good friends. Seriously, so funny and smart and kind. They support me when I’m struggling, cheer me up when I’m sad (or cry with me, if that’s called for), give the best advice, celebrate my successes, make me laugh, and keep me company while I’m figuring it all out. Sometimes I even get to do the same for them.

5. New Order’s “Bizarre Love Triangle” playing while I was on a writing date with an angel. I could hardly pay attention to what I was writing because the song was like a tiny musical time machine. “Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray. I’m waiting for that final moment You say the words that I can’t say.”

Reverb14: Day Four

reverb14withtextProject Reverb prompt: “Do Over: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present.  Is there one moment you wish that you could do-over?”

I never know how to answer any sort of question about regret or what I might have done differently. It makes me think of science fiction stories where someone travels back in time and unwittingly wreaks havoc on the future, causes all sorts of chaos through what were seemingly minor changes. There are always dire warnings, horrible consequences involved in such a narrative when someone tampers with the way things already happened because there is no way to predict or comprehend how every little action will add up, how one change will ripple out and touch everything else.

Do I wish Eric and I wouldn’t have had that first fight at the beginning of our vacation this summer? Sure, it sucked, but it led to some really important conversations for us, a deepening of understanding and love. Do I wish I wouldn’t have chosen to work with that difficult person, that I would have trusted the red flags I noticed at the very beginning and said “no”? Sure, but that experience showed me I can be compassionate at the same time I’m setting boundaries. Do I wish I would have just bought the plane ticket when I first checked and it was affordable and surprised Sherry on her birthday? Sure, but I didn’t and what use is there in continuing to wish I had?

I have no way of knowing how one change, one do-over would impact the rest of my experience. I can’t second guess every choice after seeing its outcome. Life is way too complicated to understand how each detail and decision shifts the trajectory of my experience. I can’t wish to do anything over because every single breath led to where I am now, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Reverb14 Prompt: “We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which the Universe wants born into this world. What energies did you channel this year?”

I channeled compassion, bewilderment, gentleness, generosity, confusion, wisdom, self-awareness, being centered in practice, not knowing what to do, sadness, anger, anxiety, joy, grief, and love.