Category Archives: Walk

August Break: Day 28

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I woke up this morning sad and scared. Today was the first time I walked both dogs on my own since Dexter’s “bloody scare.” I’m worried he’ll reverse sneeze himself into another bloody nose, and that this time it might be worse, that it will lead directly to him getting sicker and this will all happen too fast. Eric offered to go with me on our walk, knew I was nervous, but we both understood that I needed to do it by myself. Everything was fine, and Eric’s note waiting for me on the kitchen counter when we got back home was a reminder that I am loved, I am brave, and I am not alone.

A talk with the vet yesterday only confirmed that while we don’t have a definitive diagnosis, all of the evidence supports the presence of nasal cancer, so we’ll accept it as such, treat what we can, do what is reasonable and right for Dexter, and be happily surprised if we end up being wrong.

We could do more testing and cause Dexter more suffering to know for sure, if we planned on treating him with radiation, but we don’t, not at the proposed cost–both financially and for Dexter it’s just not worth it, as the treatment costs the animal a serious decrease in quality of life and the people thousands of dollars, while not buying them much more time. The most telling thing was the vet said “if it was my dog, I wouldn’t do the radiation.”

This cancer typically runs its course in about three months, although in a limited number of cases it’s anywhere from 6-12 months. For now, all we can do is be aware, pay attention, help him when we can, love him as much as we can, and when it gets worse, gets bad enough, let him go.

So I’ll be brave and open-hearted, showing up with love even when I’m terrified, even as my heart is breaking. It’s all there ever is, all I’ve got.

Friday Gratitude (on Saturday)

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This post is a mashup of The Little Bliss List and Joy Jam, and as such is meant to celebrate: the little things that brought me hope and happiness this week, the sweet stuff of life, those small gifts that brought me joy this week. By sharing them, I not only make public my gratitude, but maybe also help you notice your own good stuff and send some positive energy out into the world.

the sky over our front porch this morning

1. Dexter is home! After yesterday’s big scare and a night spent at the emergency vets, and lots of panic and anxiety with very little sleeping or eating for the people, the boy is back home where he belongs. I had no idea how much I really missed him until he bounded out, as happy to see us as we were him, sneezing bloody snot all over Eric’s white tshirt.

Seeing us and coming home and seeing Sam are about as excited as he’ll get, and his nose only bled a few drops, but that was it, and he ate some food and drank some, and basically seems himself, so I think for now, we are going to be okay. The thing I was the most worried about was that the happy, mostly healthy dog I took in to the vet yesterday would be a dog I’d never get to see again, but there he was, here he is.

We are to keep him on the sedative for the next three days, keep him quiet and calm, and hopefully the biopsy site will heal up–just in time for us to get the biopsy results. No matter what, I’m really okay with it (as much as you can be okay with losing someone you love with your whole heart)–I will be super sad and hate to see my dogs suffer, but I know he’s had a happy life, is so loved, and I am lucky to have this time with him. Seriously, just having him home, I feel better than I have in the past 48 hours. I might even be able to eat lunch today.

2. In related news: The love, good wishes, and support of friends. I was in a blind panic taking Dexter to the vet and with the complications that came after. I put together a mass email on facebook, frantically picking friends that I knew either loved dogs or had big, powerful hearts, and even though I normally don’t ask for help, I begged that they send love and support to us–and they did, so much that I was completely humbled, overwhelmed by it, and so helped. Getting Dexter in the car, driving to the vet’s office, walking in the front door, waiting in the exam room, leaving Dexter there, driving home, the horrible long wait after, and the bad news later in the day, the long, long night: I knew I was not alone.

3. Loving, kind, skilled vets, nurses, and vet techs. I am so grateful that they were there to take care of Dexter, that they took every question, every desperate phone call with grace and kindness. Again, I knew we were not alone.

4. A hummingbird feeding on my Rocky Mountain Bee Plants. It was too fast to get a picture, and I know there are only so many in town because the fires have driven them lower than they’d normally go, but it made my heart lift to see it.

5. The way Sam barks when he wants you to play with him. I really must get a video of it sometime. It’s hysterical.

6. Long walks with Eric and the dogs. Over the summer, we get to do more of these, and they are my favorite. I cherish them even more lately, the four of us all together. I am especially loving the cooler weather these past few mornings, the turn from summer to fall.

7. Eric. I am so lucky to have him, to have that direct love and support, to have his help, to not have to do this alone.

Bonus Joy: How good Dexter is at the vet. He’s just so sweet and calm.

my favorite toe is the one with the black spot