Reverb14 | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

Project Reverb prompt: “Letting go: For next year, I’m letting go of…”

I try to respond to the Reverb prompts myself before reading what anyone else said because I want my response to be fresh, unique, original, authentic, even if it ends up magically similar to someone else’s answer. I messed up this time. Someone posted a comment to today’s prompt on the Project Reverb website and said they were letting go of “that which no longer serves me.” That phrase is a mantra of sorts for me, the perfect way to describe why I’ve been shedding old habits, thought patterns, and ways of being. Now that I’ve heard it, I can’t answer this any other way.

For next year, I’m letting go of that which no longer serves me. Everything that is too small, too tight, all that is restricting me, pinching me and making me uncomfortable. I’m letting go of what I’m not using. I’m letting go of what I’m afraid to give up, get rid of, surrender. I’m letting go of poverty mentality. I’m letting go of pushing, shoving, forcing, smashing myself to bits. I’m letting go of thinking I can do everything, do it fast and without the necessary rest and nourishment. I’m letting go of needing to be liked, of thinking it’s an issue of survival. I’m letting go of fitting in. I’m letting go of pretending. I’m letting go of “supposed to” and “have to.” I’m letting go of being afraid of suffering, which is really a fear of dying, of impermanence — (well, that one might take some work, a little more time).

Reverb14 prompt: “What is the sound of your own voice?”

Sometimes soft, sometimes fierce. Sometimes it’s too loud and people tell me to keep it down, to be quiet, to shut up. Sometimes it’s not even words. It comes from so deep inside of me that when I hear it echoed back to me from a recording, I don’t recognize it. From far away it can sound a little like a flock of birds or a swarm of bees or a single wolf howling. Sometimes I speak in a language I made up that no one else understands. Sometimes my voice sounds like a whistle that only dogs can hear. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m singing or talking or crying. When it says “I’m sorry” it sounds like sticks breaking. When it says “I love you” it sounds like ocean waves. The sound of my breath, my heartbeat is the same.

Project Reverb prompt: “Do Over: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present. Is there one moment you wish that you could do-over?”

I never know how to answer any sort of question about regret or what I might have done differently. It makes me think of science fiction stories where someone travels back in time and unwittingly wreaks havoc on the future, causes all sorts of chaos through what were seemingly minor changes. There are always dire warnings, horrible consequences involved in such a narrative when someone tampers with the way things already happened because there is no way to predict or comprehend how every little action will add up, how one change will ripple out and touch everything else.

Do I wish Eric and I wouldn’t have had that first fight at the beginning of our vacation this summer? Sure, it sucked, but it led to some really important conversations for us, a deepening of understanding and love. Do I wish I wouldn’t have chosen to work with that difficult person, that I would have trusted the red flags I noticed at the very beginning and said “no”? Sure, but that experience showed me I can be compassionate at the same time I’m setting boundaries. Do I wish I would have just bought the plane ticket when I first checked and it was affordable and surprised Sherry on her birthday? Sure, but I didn’t and what use is there in continuing to wish I had?

I have no way of knowing how one change, one do-over would impact the rest of my experience. I can’t second guess every choice after seeing its outcome. Life is way too complicated to understand how each detail and decision shifts the trajectory of my experience. I can’t wish to do anything over because every single breath led to where I am now, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Reverb14 Prompt: “We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which the Universe wants born into this world. What energies did you channel this year?”

I channeled compassion, bewilderment, gentleness, generosity, confusion, wisdom, self-awareness, being centered in practice, not knowing what to do, sadness, anger, anxiety, joy, grief, and love.