Category Archives: Amazing Women

Joy Jam

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What were the 3-5 things that gave you joy this week?

1. Spring weather. Spring Break is next week at CSU and I have the fever because the weather has been so nice! The birds are everywhere, making all kinds of noise, and things are starting to green up. This is what the sky over my backyard looks like right now, (I just want to sit under it and stare):

2. Time spent with friends. I have some gems, seriously. This week it was coffee and life strategizing in the sun with one, an accidental lunch with another, and lunch and a movie with a friend who lives in Nashville, so I don’t get to see her as much as I’d like.

3. Superior ranking on my yearly evaluation. This isn’t about pride, ego, or needing external validation (much), but having my good work rewarded, (we are getting raises for the first time in a few years, and the higher your ranking, the more of a raise). It’s also a confirmation that I am doing what I “should,” and that it’s valued.

4. Fruit Salad. Luscious and juicy and sweet: yum.

5. Communally taught yoga class. The person who was supposed to teach this morning overslept and didn’t show up, so we led ourselves. One person started, and then we all jumped in at various times, adding a pose or series. It was awesome.

Bonus Joy: Blackout poetry on old business cards. These are one of the things I didn’t burn in a cleansing ceremony after leaving my old job (which technically is the same position I have now, just a slight shift in responsibilities–I’m now simply an Editor, and not for Writing@CSU), and I’ve always thought I would eventually do some sort of art project with them. This morning, I had two ideas, one being blackout poetry to cover over the old print. Here’s my first one (with an original card slid behind for comparison, to show you a bit of what is getting covered over):

Stay,
bringing attention

With time to consider,
recall vividly

We are all seeking the good life
Each of us calls it by some different name

Friend, call it
Know
Find out

Happy, happy Friday to you, dear reader!

What I Learned About Myself Hosting a Well-Fed Woman Retreatshop

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I mentioned in my review of Rachel Cole’s Fort Collins Well-Fed Woman Retreatshop that as a host, my experience of the Retreatshop itself was not typical because I was focused on that duty. When you host, you have a different experience than the other attendees–you set up the space, hold the space, maintain the integrity of that container. You adjust the heat, keep out anyone not part of the group, give directions, hand out tissues if people cry, and try not to monopolize things by talking too much.

However, through facilitating that event, I learned a few things about myself.

I am funny. Not in a mean, critical, unnatural or forced way, but in a way that cheers people up, softens them and makes them feel at ease. For example, when I got up to introduce the space and Rachel, I started with directions to the bathroom. I hadn’t planned to say it, but what came out was something like this, “When you go out the main studio door, take a left. You’ll find yourself in the main common area and on the other side is a hallway. Follow that to the end and on the left is…nirvana.” As everyone laughed, I said “No, it’s just the bathroom.” I hadn’t planned that joke (although, if I ever host an event there again, I am totally using it), it was just what came out while I was talking. I am willing to be a fool for a laugh, a smile, to put someone at ease and soften the energy of a room.

I am generous. This makes people feel cared for and loved and comfortable. It is one of my most fundamental qualities, (even though I take it to an unhealthy extreme sometimes). A friend said of me recently, “A Jill that isn’t ‘giving’ isn’t Jill. ‘Giving’ seems like a natural part of who you are.”

I am enthusiastic. This was something Rachel pointed out at the event. One of my students last semester put it this way “when Jill gets to talking, she sometimes repeats herself, but I think it’s just because she’s excited.” If I care about something, I get a rush of energy and can be quite animated.

I’m curious. No matter what’s happening, I want to learn what I can from it. I want to understand, to know.

I am loved by some amazing women. Rachel said so, that it was a great group and she could tell they really loved me. I don’t often let that in, let myself notice, because I am so busy giving and loving and performing, but I noticed that day, and I’ve carried it with me ever since.

I am brave, even when I’m afraid. Even though it seemed so unlike me, the highly sensitive introvert, I asked Rachel to come, I emailed people to tell them they should come too, and I spent a lot of time with Rachel by myself and only got really nervous twice, and only right at the beginning. Most of the weekend, I was present and my heart was open, in public, with people. There was so much at stake–Rachel’s comfort and respect, the quality of the event, friendships, my sense of myself and my value–but I didn’t let that freeze me up, I didn’t run from it or try to numb out.

After so many years of self-hate, I am hungry for self-care and self-love. I am ready. So many years of denial and restriction, perfectionism, feeling unworthy, being bullied, and smashing myself to bits, I’m really ready to work with these patterns, these habits that no longer serve me (if they ever did).

I can’t pull off peacock shoes, but I can celebrate and love a woman who rocks them.