The prompt for the first day of Reverb:

In her seventh ever blog post, all the way back in March 2003(!), the inimitable Andrea Scher wrote: “Maybe lists are like prayers.”

What sorts of lists do you have on the go at the moment? What do they suggest you are praying for?

I have a serious problem, kind and gentle reader. I take on too much, try too hard, do too much, push myself too hard, smash myself to bits. It used to be a very destructive and ugly and secret and dark thing. Now it’s filled with light and smells good and there’s kirtan music in the background and I beat myself up with the prettiest stick. #same

Here’s the list of things I committed to or have going on in the month of December:

• Reverb, which comes with a daily prompt. I blog my response and share it on Kat’s site, and there’s also also a lingering unaffiliated Facebook group where people share responses to various Reverb prompts
• Savor with Rachel Cole, which provides a daily meditation and optional writing prompt
• December Reflections, a daily photo challenge from Susannah Conway that has a Flickr group, hashtag, and blog roll
• Winter Joy Retreat: Edible Memories, which includes daily prompts, recipes, and a private Facebook group
• An online book group for Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga
• Encouragement Notes from Esmé Wang, a daily email with a private Facebook group
• The Inside Story: Running a Heart-Centered Business with Susannah Conway, which also has a private Facebook group
• Teaching another Wild Writing, Crazy Wisdom workshop at Om Ananda Yoga (this one without the yoga)
• Finishing our bathroom remodel, not having a place to bathe in our house so needing to shower at the gym every day (or go without)
• Eric’s birthday
• Fearlessly Creative: A Meditation and Writing Retreat with Susan Piver at Shambhala Meditation Center
• Creating a class on cultivating practice for Inky Path
• Christmas

I didn’t realize just how much there was until I flipped the calendar over to December and the emails started arriving in my inbox. When I saw the prompt for Reverb, I half jokingly made the above list. Then I sat back in my chair and stared at it, allowing the insanity of it to wash over me. Add to that the regular stuff: teaching my Tuesday morning yoga class, putting together my weekly Something Good list for my site and for Wanderlust, laundry, my CSU work, etc. It’s just not workable, and even if it were it wouldn’t be sustainable. If I were to answer Kat’s prompt (What sorts of lists do you have on the go at the moment? What do they suggest you are praying for?) based on this list, I’m clearly praying for overwhelm, breakdown, exhaustion, complete and utter annihilation.

I’ve been asking myself for a while now: what are you running from? The way I’m filling my time, spreading myself thin and running myself ragged, I’m clearly avoiding something. Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as this.