Wishcasting Wednesday

soggywishesToday Jamie asks, “what rules do you wish to break?” It’s strange, or maybe magic, because I met with my therapist today and we got to talking about rules — all the ones I live by, the shoulds, the expectations, the restrictions and judgements about who I should be, when and why and exactly how I should do things.

As a simple example, sometimes I’m already hungry for lunch at 10:30 am, but I struggle with the decision to eat because lunch isn’t until 12:00 pm. In those moments, I often choose the rule over what I need, over caring for myself, and I either don’t eat when I’m actually hungry because “I’m not supposed to yet,” or I do eat and I beat myself up a little for it, (because then when I’m hungry again at 2 or 3 pm, what am I supposed to do?). And yes, I know this makes me sound like a crazy person…

Underlying all these rules is the belief that I have to earn what I need, I have to put forth some kind of effort, I have to be “good” and deserving in order to be worthy of care and love, in order to have my needs met, to feed my hunger. This is not accurate, I know intellectually that without doing a single thing, simply by being, I am worthy of those things, that I am innately wise and compassionate and deserving, but I don’t live as if that were true. Instead I struggle, convinced that something is wrong with me, that I have to fix it, control and monitor myself.

My therapist challenged me to start keeping a list of the rules as they arise. I paid attention as I left her office and went to the grocery store, came home to walk Sam, checked my email, did some work, really noticed all the times I judged what I was doing or thinking, assessed whether or not I was doing it “right.” It felt as if every single thing I did, there was an internal critic judging and evaluating, determining if I was good enough. I think this is happening all the time, every moment, and I’ve grown so used to it I don’t even notice it anymore, assume that’s just the way life is. That’s not okay, not at all workable, and will not lead to peace or contentment.

So, kind and gentle reader, I wish to break ALL the rules. Every single should or have to, every regulation or standard or principle or law I have constructed, anything that measures who I am and what I do against some prescribed guide for conduct or action. I wish to let all that go, to simply be present for myself, to give myself what I need, to take care of myself, to be gentle and kind, open and curious.

18 thoughts on “Wishcasting Wednesday

  1. Joy

    Oooh…I *love* your wish…yes! to breaking all of the rules that you feel limit and constrict, and to celebrating as you do so! As you wish for yourself so I too wish for you as well!

    I understand how you use the rules in your life–I used to be the same.., then I was diagnosed with cancer and told I would die…when I lived, I decided the rules no longer applied (a lifetime of should’s and have-to’s and lots of discipline if I didn’t, flew right out the window)…..

    Reply
  2. Barb Markway

    I love that photo. And I eat lunch really early, too, and am hungry again by 2…so I don’t think you’re crazy. Small, frequent meals are supposed to be better for you, right? (Oh, but that’s not a hard and fast rule.) Plus, I saw my therapist today, too. I forget how good it feels to be heard and validated. Definitely Magic.

    Reply
  3. twnkrissie@mail.com

    your comment about food really struck a chord and is something Ive ben dealing for ages now. I have brekky at 8am and am STARVING by about 11am so I have elevenses – a cup of tea and a biscuit. so then I feel guilty as an hour later my tummy is signaling the need for lunch. Same at 4pm and again by 6pm starving hungry for supper….when I do give in and snack I hate myself, but cant live with these hunger pains either. I do try healthy snacks ie fruit, but they have a very limited time at keeping hunger at bay!!! feeling stuck with this! What would your therapist suggest do you think?

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      I know what she suggests for me, because we talk about it quite often: I need to eat when I am hungry, and rather than a tiny snack, I need to make sure my body is getting the nourishment it needs — which often times might mean something more substantial. When I eat lunch at 10:30 am, she reminded me yesterday, I have to remember that I get up at 4:30 am and only eat something light, maybe another something light around 8 am, so of course I would be hungry for lunch by 10:30 am and then hungry again by 2 pm! For me it’s about learning when to eat, how to know hunger and give my body the nourishment it needs, which after years of disordered eating, restricting and then binging, is complicated. ♥

      Reply
  4. Alane

    there are no “shoulds” it’s hard lesson to learn but as you catch yourself saying the word, you’ll realize there’s another “way”. also YOU ARE NOT a crazy person for wanting lunch at 10:30– don’t you get up at 430am! 🙂 even if you don’t, so what, eat when you want & what you want! 🙂 great post xo

    Reply
  5. Sue Fox

    I spent 20 years of my life in a religion that imposed rigid rules! I am really careful these days about any should or shouldn’t words, I try not to use them at all…

    Even in this climate of healthy nutrition there seems to be so many sh…words, one year we should not eat this the next we should… I am currently listening to my own body, a marvelous intricate mechanism, able to overcome all manner of ailments, I believe the body communicates it’s need to us.

    I love how this dialogue has been opened through wish casting Wed…x

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      I know what you mean, Sue! I try to research what is healthy and just end up confused, so my new strategy is to trust myself, to listen to my body, and stop letting other people tell me how to eat — and no more rules! 🙂

      Reply
  6. Kimberley McGill

    Yep. I call my rules boa constrictors sometimes because boy do they leave little room for breathing! This week I hit a spot with my creative work and had to uncoil them from around my ribcage.

    Breaking ALL the rules sounds delicious!

    Reply

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