If you really knew me: a list of 31 things

If you really knew me, you would know that:

I struggle with trusting myself, caring for and loving myself, and I have a bad habit of trying to please and take care of everyone else even if it means I am being hurt or suffering.

I act tough but I am incredibly sensitive.

I seem like an extrovert but am really an introvert who’s curious, who wants approval and appreciation.

I suffer from poverty mentality, don’t think I am enough or believe there will be enough for me.

I have all of these surface level issues, blockages that cause me so much suffering, but underneath, I am wise and compassionate and powerful.

I love big, a love that is unbound, a love that breaks my heart wide open.

I hold a grudge, am judgmental and critical, but I would never hurt anyone intentionally.

I’m glad that dogs can’t talk because if they could, I might find out they don’t love me as much as I think they do, and I couldn’t bear that.

I am obsessed with anything about the Holocaust, went to Amsterdam just to be able to see the Anne Frank House.

I can’t swim very well because I am afraid of drowning, which makes me tense up and start to sink.

I have dreams about being able to fly fight like in The Matrix or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

The only “make-up” I wear is moisturizer and Strawberry Chapstick.

I prefer flip-flops, clogs, or boots to heels or sandals, but I’d rather not wear shoes at all.

I like doing laundry.

Lilacs are my favorite flowers.

I couldn’t live without music—well, I could, but I wouldn’t be as happy.

This is my second marriage.

My two favorite and most read authors are Stephen King and Margaret Atwood, and my favorite poet is Mary Oliver.

I was in theater and two different choirs in high school. I miss it.

I dream about learning to play the ukulele I already own and taking singing lessons so that someday I can be in a band.

I have two tattoos.

I want to be in a flash mob.

I lived in the same house for the first 18 years of my life, and the house I live in now, have for 12 years, has the exact same floor plan and was built around the same time.

I was scared of the dark and being alone until I was 31 years old, the same year I got my first dog.

Letting go of that dog, my Obi, was the most difficult and most loving thing I have ever done.

I prefer mending and keeping old things over buying new ones.

I have two places I consider “home.”

My favorite pastry is a maple bar (unfilled), my favorite ice cream is maple nut, and I love any breakfast eaten with maple syrup.

I would almost always choose staying home in my pajamas and reading a good book over dressing up and going to a concert.

I have Ménière’s disease and Hypothyroidism.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was in the second grade, when I first realized writing was an occupation and therefore a possibility for me. It’s still the thing I want most.

11 thoughts on “If you really knew me: a list of 31 things

  1. Courtney Putnam

    Beautiful, open, honest, compassionate, true. Thank you for sharing these 31 pieces of yourself. I can see why we are friends and why one day we *will* meet. So much resonance.

    love,
    Courtney

    Reply
  2. mj

    how can two souls share so much, having never met?
    thankfully there are enough differences that I could stop wondering why my list was on your blog 🙂

    Reply
  3. inspiredfollies

    Know what amazes me? Random, quirky similarities among people.

    Living in a place of the same architectural detail and era of the home where I grew up (though not the same floor plan)? Check. Flash mob aspirations? Check. Ukelele playing desires (I used to play when I was a kid, sort of)? Check. Poverty mentality? Check, and trying, trying, trying to move out of it!

    Know what else amazes me? That if we lived next down the block from each other or worked together we might go for ages if not ever, and know about the overlaps.

    Thanks for opening up! So fun to read!

    Reply
  4. Eydie

    Jill,

    Such a beautiful, open, and honest reflection of you. I feel even more connected to you NOW. I felt I knew you intimately after reading your master’s thesis a while ago. Even more so now.

    You are an amazing writing. I’m so glad you share that part of YOU.

    Hugs

    Reply
    1. jillsalahub Post author

      Thank you, Eydie! And you read that thing?! It feels like I wrote it a million years ago, even though it was only ten. I have such compassion for that me, she was struggling so much. But, she believed like I still do that it’s important to share, to connect. Thank you for giving me the chance to do that. It’s such a gift to be heard.

      Reply

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