What I Know by Heart

When I was thinking about what to write about this morning, as usual, I had 47 ideas, all of them equally interesting to me.  There is so much I want to share, to talk with you about.

Horse or Dog?

Horse or Dog?

Like the post on Brave Girls Club, “We Must See Past What it Seems,” and how important it is to give ourselves and each other a break.  All of us are doing the best that we can, and things aren’t always as they seem.  The person at work that seems so irritating and rude to you may have a father who is dying, or have an alcoholic sister-in-law whose suffering is tearing apart the whole family.  Or maybe that person is just lost and confused and afraid, and in their desire to avoid pain they are lashing out at anything that moves.  Maybe that person is you.

Or the article that Anne Lamott wrote for Sunset Magazine, “Finding Time,” and how it made me think about what I might be doing in my life that is wasting time, what there is that I could let go.  Almost seven years ago, I gave up cable tv in the quest for more time.  I live 1200 miles away from most of my family, so those visits and that contact are careful and compressed. I don’t have kids, although I do have two needy dogs and a boy that gets lonely sometimes. I have a core group of friends in my life, but the time I spend with them is focused and far between.  I work, a lot, so on the weekends, I don’t make many plans, and I try to keep my evenings during the week free.  But I’m sure there is more I could do, more moments, more minutes to be discovered. Even though Anne warns “I think this is going to hurt,” it’s worth considering.

VoxOr about the few times this week that I was afraid, but did it anyway.  I climbed up the long ladder (20-25 feet?) into my friend’s tree house.  I’m not so much afraid of heights as afraid of the dizziness it triggers, that the feeling might cause me to fall.  I am nervous around people I don’t know, but I talked to a man in a cape, a stranger to me but a Superhero for the environment.  I shared the link to my blog.  I had dreams and made wishes that, if they come true, will be as amazing as they are terrifying, but I made them anyway.  I told the truth and was vulnerable and opened my heart, even though there were some people I knew would be irritated or think I was weird.

But then I thought, instead of writing about those things, I’d write about some of the things I learned about myself in the last 24 hours:

What I Know by Heart:According to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I am a INFJ: Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging.  Apparently, in the book “What’s Your Type of Career?: Unlock the Secrets of Your Personality to Find Your Perfect Career Path,” author Donna Dunning calls this personality type the “Compassionate Visionary.”  Oh my!  I am so in love with that…When I look up some of the careers I am suited for, I have to smile: therapist or counselor, coach or mentor, social worker, human resource specialist, mediator or conflict resolver, holistic health practitioner, teacher, writer, editor, actor, artist, and minister.  I smiled because just this past week, I had made a visual representation of the direction I felt my work taking, (see the above).

What I Know by Heart: The reason I have been having so much trouble showering first thing in the morning, making myself do a bunch of chores and busywork instead, is because I have too long associated it with leaving the house, specifically to go to work. I was resisting this idea, the work, to the point of not being able to appropriately care for myself. I’m going to try and be better about that.

What I Know by Heart: Part of the trouble I am having keeping up a regular meditation practice is that I have Obi’s ashes and his picture on my shrine. Today, when I sat, I was thinking about Obi, and about the email I just got this morning from the Brave Girl’s Club (“your daily truth from the brave girls club,” you should totally sign up for itBrave Girls Club) that said “it’s okay to feel a bit of a hole in our hearts where loved things used to be,” and I lost it. Sobbing for a dog and a girl, both lost to cancer and both gone for more than a year, a hurt that is still sitting heavy on my chest, one that I am avoiding, that I need to sit with, every day until I am able to let it go.

What I Know by Heart: I have really great friends. The support and love that they give me, the inspiration they provide makes all of this so much easier, and so much more fun. Love you. Love, Me. (You know who you are.)

What I Know by Heart: I require a lot of time alone. It’s not that I don’t like people or being out in public, it’s just that I am so sensitive to all of it that I have to take the time to restore and recharge–by myself. This morning, Eric took the boys running at Lory State Park, and the time alone in the quiet to scribble, putter, read, and think was just the thing.  I need to honor that.

  • What do you know by heart?

8 thoughts on “What I Know by Heart

    1. jillsalahub Post author

      And it’s so interesting, isn’t it? The idea that there are things we know “by heart”? Not memorized facts, skills we’ve learned “hands on,” or things scientifically proven so much as things that are the truest of true, that are so clear we can’t unknow them.

      Reply
  1. Erin

    Loved reading your posts and the links. You’re a wonderful writer…so much feeling and insight comes through- totally like your infj profile! (i’m a intj by the way so have to work harder at the heart/feeling stuff myself!) Write more please! Love, Erin

    Reply

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