Tag Archives: Eric

August Break: Day 28

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I woke up this morning sad and scared. Today was the first time I walked both dogs on my own since Dexter’s “bloody scare.” I’m worried he’ll reverse sneeze himself into another bloody nose, and that this time it might be worse, that it will lead directly to him getting sicker and this will all happen too fast. Eric offered to go with me on our walk, knew I was nervous, but we both understood that I needed to do it by myself. Everything was fine, and Eric’s note waiting for me on the kitchen counter when we got back home was a reminder that I am loved, I am brave, and I am not alone.

A talk with the vet yesterday only confirmed that while we don’t have a definitive diagnosis, all of the evidence supports the presence of nasal cancer, so we’ll accept it as such, treat what we can, do what is reasonable and right for Dexter, and be happily surprised if we end up being wrong.

We could do more testing and cause Dexter more suffering to know for sure, if we planned on treating him with radiation, but we don’t, not at the proposed cost–both financially and for Dexter it’s just not worth it, as the treatment costs the animal a serious decrease in quality of life and the people thousands of dollars, while not buying them much more time. The most telling thing was the vet said “if it was my dog, I wouldn’t do the radiation.”

This cancer typically runs its course in about three months, although in a limited number of cases it’s anywhere from 6-12 months. For now, all we can do is be aware, pay attention, help him when we can, love him as much as we can, and when it gets worse, gets bad enough, let him go.

So I’ll be brave and open-hearted, showing up with love even when I’m terrified, even as my heart is breaking. It’s all there ever is, all I’ve got.

Gratitude Friday

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This post is a mashup of The Little Bliss List and Joy Jam, and as such is meant to celebrate: the little things that brought me hope and happiness this week, the sweet stuff of life, those small gifts that brought me joy this week. By sharing them, I not only make public my gratitude, but maybe also help you notice your own good stuff and send some positive energy out into the world.

1. Dexter, home and whole. A week after the “bloody scare,” the boy is doing good. We are accepting that there may not be a reasonable way to get a definitive diagnosis, to know for sure he has cancer, so we are living in the moment with him. And in this moment, he is happy and well, and I am grateful.

2. Eric. I often find myself wondering how I could possibly walk through this life without him. He makes me laugh, but is also right there when I’m having a meltdown. I can always count on him to help, to carry extra weight or take over entirely when it all gets too much for me. I am so lucky.

3. Good friends. The kind that don’t shy way or avoid me when things get really hard, even when I am going publicly crazy. All I have to do is ask, and they are right there, ready to help, giving hugs and good advice, offering support, reminding me that I am not alone.

4. Rocky Mountain Bee Plants in the wild. These were by the back pond in McMurry Ponds Natural Area, the section they rehabbed a few years ago. It’s close enough to our house that I like to think our plants were their origins.

5. Silly sitcoms on Netflix streaming. I have moved past so many of my numb out, chill out, “go to” zone out behaviors that TV is about the only thing I have left, although we haven’t had cable TV for almost ten years. Having access to 20 minute episodes of fairly mindless comedies available to me on days when I just can’t muster the strength for anything else is nice.

Bonus joy: My new class of students. I really like them already, and we’ve only had two class sessions. Yesterday, they shared collages they’d made that showed who they are, what they love. I had been having a really hard day, and listening to them talk about their lives, make each other laugh, got me out of my own head, was just the medicine I needed.