Tag Archives: Dreaming Big

Starting Over, Again.

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I got an email today, someone I love talking about being “45 and starting over.”  It made me think of all the times I have done it, called a do-over, begun again.

Photo by Steven Depolo

  1. I married at 18 and moved to Arizona.
  2. I moved back to Oregon and got unmarried.
  3. I moved in with my mom and dad and went back to college, (a change inspired by the loss of my friend Heather).
  4. I moved to Colorado and married Eric.
  5. We moved back to Oregon and I went back to school, again.
  6. We moved to Colorado, again, and I went to graduate school.
  7. I got out of a bad work situation and started working on myself, (inspired by the loss of my dog Obi and my friend Kelly).

Lucky seven?  There are a few things after all this practice that I know are true when it comes to making changes, starting over:

  • I am already whole, (all of us are).  I am not a problem to be fixed, or a project to take on.  “Improving” or healing are about becoming what I already am.  My friend Courtney wrote a blog post the other day about the same kind of thing, “Not Fixing.”  In it, she says “Say goodbye to the wrench and screw driver approach to your healing. You don’t need fixing. You have all that you need inside you for your healing to take place.” Thank you.  Amen.
  • To practice “self-help” does not mean that I have to change who I essentially am, but rather be true to who I am.  To change, I make a commitment to manifesting that which is fundamental about myself, my basic goodness and wisdom.  What I do let go of in this process are habits, and actions or thoughts that no longer serve me, (that probably never served me the way I expected, the way I needed). “The purpose of our practice is just to be yourself.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

I get daily emails from Jo Ann at The Receiving Project and today’s was “You cannot run away from yourself. The sooner you stop trying, the sooner you can begin to bring love and compassion to yourself. The sooner you can embrace that which pains and transform it into that which loves.”

Brave Belly

So, what am I looking to change? In a post that seems full of them, here’s another list, the list:

  • To eat in a way that feeds a healthy body, not a sick and starving heart.
  • To continue to write daily, with the intention of eventual publication, (beyond this blog).  The daily practice and public forum of my blog will manifest this in an organic manner.
  • To be more settled, satisfied in my current paid work, or be financially able to let it go.
  • To be financially fit, debt-free, simply living.  To have the ability to take care of needs, save, provide, share and gift, take the occasional vacation or bigger purchase without depending on long-term credit.  To have freedom without too much sacrifice.
  • To become craftier, more hand-made, learn the skills of “my people”–farming, gardening, canning, baking bread, sewing, quilting, knitting, carpentry, car repair.
  • To be vulnerable and brave, to let go of shame, pleasing, performing, and perfectionism.
  • To repair my relationship with myself, and through that, repair my relationships with others.
  • Learn the ukelele and take voice lessons, giving my creativity and voice another outlet.
  • Be more green, more simple, more careful, more mindful.
  • Continue to develop my yoga and meditation practices, remaining open to the possibility of teaching, but not forcing it, allowing it to manifest naturally.
  • Slow down, continue to be mindful about how I spend my time.
  • Keep my eyes and heart open to great work, as I continue to do good work.
  • Be aware of the ways I can grow deeper into myself, seek out those opportunities with kindness and wisdom.

My Mondo Beyondo class taught me that there is power in dreaming big, making a list of all the things you want and sharing it. “What happens when you give an unspoken wish a place to become a dream come true?”

ScribbleIf you are looking to begin again, start over, “be the change you want to see in the world,” you might want to read:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais Nin

Play Them the New Songs

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Last night, John Heart Jackie and Danielle Ate the Sandwich played at Everyday Joe’s in Fort Collins. John Heart Jackie is from Portland, Oregon and amazing (seriously, you should check them out), but what really mattered to me: I finally got to see Danielle live.

Pic by Coleen Danger (not from last night)

Danielle wore a rainbow rhinestone clip in her hair and a matching bracelet around her wrist, and had silver waves of sequins on her shirt–she sparkled on stage, even before she started to sing.

Her violin player, Chris Jusell, stood on his tippy toes when he played, like a musical ballet dancer.

Her bass player, Dennis Bigelow reminded me of my favorite side-talking comedian, Jim Gaffigan.

Danielle talked about how making music was her job, was what she did, but that she kept expecting the mayor to knock on her door, say he’d reviewed her file and this couldn’t continue, she’d need to get a part-time job. She’d applied once at KMart for a job in the Garden Center, but they wanted her to work full-time in the Customer Service Center.  She stopped herself and thought, “I don’t want to work at KMart, I want to be a musician.”

Three CD’s later and it seems to be working out.  The music alone would sustain her, but if you see a live show, you essentially get an entire improv comedy skit as well, with banter between the musicians, as well as between them and the audience.  Danielle makes use of silly voices, and questions her bandmates in a way that reminded me of when a comedian asks “where are you from, what do you do?” and she can make a whole bit from it. Last night, some of the banter was about road trip snacks (“canti” bars, peanuts for sure, beef jerky and pistachios) and music, demands for compliments, grown-up goosebumps, reality TV, three bandmates on a deserted island, food poisoning and pizza, and Paris, France.

Danielle played three of her new songs, one that I’d heard already because the day she posted it on YouTube, I posted it here and played it over, and over, and over. She said it was hard to play new songs for an audience, that she wanted to sit on them, keep working on them, not wanting to finish or accept them as done.  And, there’s a 14 year old girl inside her still that says “But what if they don’t like it?” [What if they don’t like me? Oh how well I understand this!]

A friend of hers, who makes her think about hard things, challenges her to think differently–which she joked she’d never do, she’s too lazy, would rather watch TV–asked her “Why do you care if they like it? That’s not why you are doing it, is it?”  It’s like what Eric said to me about writing this blog.  Danielle’s answer was something like, “Well, yeah, but I want them to like it [me].  And they need to like it so they’ll buy my CD’s and come to my shows, and I can keep being a musician and won’t have to go work at KMart.”

She’d asked Dennis earlier in the show to give her a compliment, demanded one from him, said that her bio should just say “Danielle needs approval and appreciation” and nothing else.  When she played one of her new songs, she gave the audience a hard time for not having a stronger, louder reaction to it, especially since just singing it, she’d given herself goosebumps.

What struck me about the show–besides the music, besides the discovery and joy of seeing her live for the first time–is that she said “yes.”  The Universe, Art, Music called her, and she said “yes.”  And yet, she still struggles, at least a bit, with needing the approval and adoration of an audience, a very personal but also practical need.

She might still feel a little timid, have that 14 year old girl inside her that worries that people might not like what she’s doing–but she does it anyway!  And she’s amazing.  There is no other Danielle Ate the Sandwich, not even close.  She’s been my writing muse for this past month, as I struggle to write something of worth every day, she’s been my doula for the birth of this blog and my own public voice–and she’s a real girl.  Her willingness to be vulnerable and brave with her art, her voice, her heart, soothes the scared 14 year old in me, the one that wants so badly to be liked, to be complimented and supported.  I am inspired by her as a fellow artist, and grateful to be part of the audience for the art she makes.

And this summer, I am finally going to dust off the ukelele I’ve had for the last four years and learn how to play. And I’m going to keep writing, keep moving, keep developing my own voice, my own space, my own audience, with Danielle Ate the Sandwich on the soundtrack.