Day of Rest

I start Feast with Rachel Cole on Monday. I spent some time putting together a journal I’m going to use to respond to prompts and make notes. I cut out pictures and quotes, gluing them into the first few pages. It wasn’t because we had to or that I felt like I should, it’s just what I do to every space I inhabit where I am going to practice. It’s a way of setting an intention, honoring the process. It’s also a weakness, born of fear — I want to feel like I have some control over what’s about to happen, to make sure I’ll be comfortable and safe even as I know that’s impossible.

The above image is from the latest Prana catalog. When I was looking for pictures, I kept coming back to it. The color palette matched what Rachel is using for Feast and I loved the light, the shadow, the form. The real reason though is the pose — how she holds herself, burying her face and hugging herself tight, but so strong, so graceful.

Rachel’s description of the program says “Feast is designed to help you,”

Root into self-compassion
Turn down the volume on your inner critic
Cope with your emotions in ways that support you
Eat in a way that is attuned to your body
Reclaim and revel in pleasure
Joyfully move your body
Identify what you are truly hungry for in life

Every time I read it, I feel a “yes” form deep in my belly. Sometimes I cry. This is what I want for myself, have always wanted, even before I knew exactly what it was. Rachel is so keyed in to my particular struggle that everything she creates seems like she made it just for me. Feast is no exception, and comes at exactly the right time. Since completing her Intuitive Eating Reading Group, I’ve stopped weighing myself and stopped restricting, stopped overexercising, became a certified yoga instructor and broke up with my personal trainer, took Buddhist vows, raised a puppy, and continued work on two books, one about self-compassion and the other about practice. So even though maybe I should be, I’m not nervous to take this next step. I’m not afraid. I trust Rachel. I trust myself. I’m ready to do what comes next … so ready.

On the first blank page of this journal, I’m going to write this poem by John Welwood.

Forget about enlightenment.
Sit down wherever you are and listen to the wind that is singing in your veins.
Feel the love, the longing, and the fear in your bones.
Open your heart to who you are,
right now,
not who you would like to be.
Not the saint you’re striving to become.
But the being right here before you,
inside you, around you.
All of you is holy.
You’re already more and less than whatever you can know.
Breathe out, look in, let go.

A little over a year ago, I posted this image and quote. It was also a Sunday, also winter, also a Day of Rest. This morning, I watched the most recent Daily Dharma Gathering video and Lodro Rinzler referenced the same quote. The origins are a teaching Tilopa gave Naropa called the “Six Words of Advice.” Tilopa shared six words, which translated to:

Don’t recall.
Don’t imagine.
Don’t think.
Don’t examine.
Don’t control.
Rest.

Seems pretty easy, doesn’t it, kind and gentle reader? But as Lodro also shared, the Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg recently said the practice of meditation is “very simple, but not easy.” I find this to be true of all practice (which for me is meditation, writing, yoga, and dog), and of life in general.

Today’s Your Turn Challenge prompt, the final one, is: “What are you taking with you from this Challenge?” For me, the Your Turn Challenge, seven days of prompted blog posts, wasn’t as big of a deal as it may have been for others. I practice writing every day, whether I publish a blog post or not. Every morning, one of the first things I do is sit down and write, unprompted. I sit, and even if I don’t know what to say, I start writing, and keep writing until I’ve filled at least three pages, or until I’ve run out of things to say, which sometimes fills much more than three pages. This practice is essential to me. I feel “off” if I don’t do it, in fact it feels so wrong to not write first thing I haven’t started a day without it in years.

I’ve done a series of 30 day blog challenges that included a prompt for each day, so a seven day challenge wasn’t so hard. But it also wasn’t easy to to show up and keep at it during the first week of a new semester that included other commitments beyond my CSU work — four classes, daily practice and some teaching. There were days it would have been easier to skip it. I didn’t because I’d committed to it, it was good practice, it was a group effort, and it wasn’t really so hard.

It was good practice in equanimity, which is “mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.” Especially in a difficult situation. Continuing to practice even when it’s hard. The seven day blogging challenge was a good way to contemplate letting go of expectations — the goal was a daily post in response to a prompt. It didn’t have to be perfect or even good.

I wasn’t so successful in sticking with other recent daily challenges. I signed up for 30 Days of Yoga with Adriene, but only made it to Day Three before I got sidetracked by my own yoga teaching and attending classes with other teachers, and too busy on the days I wasn’t to find an extra half hour. The Daily Dharma Gathering happens, not surprisingly, every day, but during this first week of it, I’ve only been able to watch two of the videos. I was so busy with other things, I kept missing it, couldn’t find a spare 30 minutes. That made me sad, made me feel like I was missing out, and yet it was okay. I was able to apply gentleness and maintain a sense of humor, qualities essential to any practice.

We can get lost in fixed expectations and it’s not helpful. We “should” all over ourselves. It’s difficult to maintain a practice when we are caught up in our expectations of it, that it should look and feel a certain way, that there’s some sort of guaranteed outcome if we just do it right, that if we don’t do it right it means we have failed.

What I’m taking with me from the Your Turn Challenge is this: Practice is simply showing up with an open heart, allowing whatever might arise, without an agenda. There is no way to do it right, and no way to do it wrong. Relax. I’m so grateful for the reminder, for the opportunity to practice.