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Fill Your Journey with Joy!

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I took Thursday off from blogging, planning to make a post on Friday morning.  But then, on Friday, I left the house at 6:30 am and didn’t come back until 9:30 pm.  I slept fitfully that night, and woke up Saturday with a fever and upset stomach.  I spent the first half of the day in bed, then moved to the couch to sleep for the afternoon, and at some point in the evening, watched a bit of Grey’s Anatomy Season Two that I got from the library last week, even though it seemed a bit too bright and loud.  Because I couldn’t keep anything down all day, I was also going through an unplanned caffeine detox.

Photo by Rachel Titiriga

I feel better today, weak and hollowed out, but better. Along with eating, I couldn’t write or read yesterday.  It was hard to take a whole weekend day “off” when I hadn’t gotten any of my own work done on Thursday or Friday either.  Not only had I missed blogging, but I am again a full week behind in my Ordinary Courage class, with only one week left, laundry needs done, and the pile of receipts and bills on my desk remind me that I still haven’t balanced the checkbook this month.

There isn’t enough time. Whenever my nieces complain that they are bored or I hear other people talk about how they don’t want to retire because “what would I do all day?,” I grit my teeth and want to scream.  There is so much I want to do, and I want to do it all, NOW.  Which, in part, is why I ended up sick. It starts with my inability to pace myself. I push because there is so much I want, and I don’t listen to myself or pay attention to what I need, don’t care for myself when I am doing too much.

And right now, the situation is more intense. I am trying to maintain a full work life–you know, they call it “full time” for a reason.  If you have such a job, it takes up all of your time.  You are either working it directly or preparing for it or cleaning up after it or resting up from/for it.  Yes, you might have evenings and weekends away, but I find that those are spent in recovery or preparation. Making sure we have clean clothes and groceries, the dogs are cared for, we aren’t defaulting on our bills, and we see our family and friends enough that they’ll remember what we look like is all I can manage on my “time off.” Add to that my my life-rehab, and my desire for a full creative life.  How is this ever going to work?

When my book group met with author Laura Resau on Friday night, it was one of the questions I asked her.  She’d been an academic, a graduate student and teacher, who eventually quit to write full time.  A few other people in my group are writers, one of them who has published multiple books but maintains a “day job.”  I asked Laura what the tipping point was for her, when she gave up the other paid work to write for a living/life.  It’s not so important how she answered the specific question, when that was for her or why, but rather that in answering, she reinforced that you take the steps, no matter how small, you start and keep going, keep showing up, and maintain that faith and trust, that deep knowing, that this is what you want, what you should do, that it is right and true.

Wings I noticed a shift in myself as a writer with my question to her.  As a more immature practitioner, if I had the opportunity to ask, the questions were always about “How do I get published?” Now I want to know, “How do you give yourself permission to write, to be a writer full time?” Maybe for other writers, the question really is how to publish.  For me, it’s about a whole life. It’s not just that I need to write and submit, but that I need to learn how to live, and the writing is part of the process.  I can share during, and then when I figure out some stuff, I can polish and publish it, share it with others who need the encouragement and resources.

Laura signed my copy of her book, The Queen of Water, “Fill your writing journey with joy!”  Today, feeling weak, hollowed out, and tired, with so much to catch up on and do, I am hopeful, committed to showing up, but also learning to pace myself, learning to live full time, with joy, and sharing the process.

Picture by Erik Sagen

Thank You and Amen, Days 3,4 & 5

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Maybe you didn’t even notice, but I took the last two days off from blogging.  On Friday, I was so tired and Eric & I had tickets to a play that night (where I was hardly able to keep my eyes open, kept nodding off), and I noticed that I had made 50 posts to this blog.  I decided I needed to take the day off.

That one day turned to two, because yesterday I was still so tired.  I skipped both of my yoga classes this weekend, have taken three naps in the past 48 hours, am a full two weeks behind in my Ordinary Courage class, haven’t done any writing for National Novel Writing Month, and spent some time watching TV, which I rarely do anymore because I am spending all my time working (this is equal parts good and bad, paid and personal work).

Photo by Jason

On Friday, I got the “weekly round-up” from blogger Susannah Conway.  Her blog is called “Notes on Unravelling the Heart” and I really love it, it’s beautiful and so is she, especially her Friday posts, “Something for the Weekend.”  This week, she started the post by saying:

I don’t really know how to look after myself. I mean, I try, don’t get me wrong, but these days I seem to be turning into a workaholic. I’m just so flippin’ passionate about what I do I don’t want to slow down…

And ended with:

And finally, how do you practice self care? What do you do just for you? And if, like me, you find it hard to do…do you want to join me in trying to learn how to do it? xo

Does this sound familiar, dear reader? I had to respond to her post, express the empathy I was feeling, so I left a comment, some of which said:

Oh, self-care. I am right there with you. I made a New Year’s resolution this year, having never made one before, to “be a better friend to myself.” I started to do a lot of work towards that end, only to realize that I had been in an abusive relationship for years, maybe my whole life–with myself. I had been smashing myself to bits, so confused and so sad and pushing myself to earn acceptance and love, exhausting myself in the pursuit and performance and pleasing and perfection that I thought would make me worthy.

Ugh. For months now, I have been taking tiny steps, making little changes, but honestly, I have been mostly doing the necessary grieving. It’s such tender and deep sadness, the awareness of what I have been doing, where I have been stuck. So for now, the real and true self-care is just to sit with myself, to sit with the devastation and cultivate compassion and forgiveness, let go a little, bit by bit.

Another blog I read, Goddess Leonie, published a post on Friday about “How to Make Blogging Sacred” in which she suggested that you should give yourself “Time Out” and linked to another post where she’d talked about “Cave Time.”  It’s time that you need to rest, regroup, refresh, restore, rehab.  I have also lately been reading a lot of Jennifer Louden’s work around self-care, her books, her blog, her “Savor & Serve” newsletter, so I got the message–I needed to take a little break. So, I did, but now I am back.

Photo by opensourceway

Even though I took a break, I continued to notice where I was grateful.  Here’s what I missed sharing by being gone for two days:

I am grateful for the tribe of people I have found online who are committed to doing what they love and what is true as they practice compassion, kindness, love, and wisdom with the intention of making things better for all.  Chris Guillebeau describes it as “set your own rules, live the life you want, and change the world.”  Jennifer Louden phrases it this way, “Self-love + world-love = creates wholeness for all.” They inspire me to do the same. On the right side of this page, you will find links to their websites or online work, but many have also published books well worth reading.

I am grateful for weekends. I usually spend them doing my own work, but it’s good to get a break from my paid work, to have the time away and apart.

I am grateful for the extra hour.  We all “fell back” this morning, and even though technically that was the hour we lost in spring being returned to us, I am glad to have it. I’d take a few more of those, please.

I am grateful for libraries. Eric and I walked out of our local library yesterday with our arms full of books, magazines, and DVDs. All free! We said what we always say leaving the library, “Libraries are so awesome, one of the coolest and best things.” And if our library doesn’t have what we want, we can usually order it from another library in the Colorado system and have it sent to us. I love the library.

I am grateful for a growing awareness of my own power. My sanity, my stability, my wisdom, my compassion, my ability to make sound choices, my capacity to learn and love, my willingness to reduce suffering rather than generate more, my gratitude and joy.

Picture by David Sky

  • Wishing you an extra hour of love today.