Project Reverb prompt: “Did you form a new habit this year? Or continue with an old one? Is it a good habit? Or one you’d like to break?”

The habits I quit were dieting and weighing myself. After years of smashing myself to bits, I experienced a paradigm shift, a revolution of sorts. The last New Year’s resolution I made was to be a better friend to myself, and in the process of learning how to do so, I realized I had been a disordered eater for 30+ years. I had been starving and then stuffing myself, then overexercising to compensate, all in an attempt to look how I thought I was supposed to look, to meet the standards, the norms, the expectations of the culture in which I live.

My paradigm shift required support. I started working with a therapist, doing lots of reading and studying and practicing, and I joined an Intuitive Eating reading group led by Rachel Cole. After much consideration I realized I couldn’t continue to torture myself, didn’t want to maintain this war with my body. I spent so many years restricting and controlling, pushing and punishing, measuring and comparing — all acts of self-aggression. In the process of denying my body, manipulating what I ate and did, struggling to maintain a body that met the standard, I lost myself.

Distracted by either a raging hunger or a dull uncomfortable fullness, I was confused and bewildered. My true power was masked, my innate intuition and wisdom disabled. You can’t diet and practice matri, (“unconditional friendliness to oneself”). You can’t constantly weigh and measure yourself, and cultivate self-compassion. You can’t be focused on what is wrong with you and manifest who you really are. You can’t swing between starving and stuffing yourself, and be healthy, well, or sane. You can’t hate and love yourself simultaneously.

Chasing an impossible standard broke me — broke my spirit, my will, my metabolism, my heart. It distilled the destructive power of pushing, pleasing, performing, and perfectionism into a habit, a routine, a ritual. I was convinced I was “fixing” myself, but I was destroying myself instead.

Stopping is so hard because even if you can quiet your inner critic, stop abusing and bullying and punishing yourself, culture still keeps going, bombarding you with messages that you aren’t okay, you can’t be trusted, something is wrong with you and you must be controlled.

What culture says I should be (look like, eat, do, think).

Right now is a prime season for this. Pre-holiday the focus is on what we should be doing to prepare ourselves, how we should behave, what we need, all the dos and don’ts and shoulds. How to avoid gaining weight, how to control ourselves, tips and tricks. Post-holiday the cycle continues, the “help” keeps coming in the form of articles and programs and offers and deals, all promising to help you get rid of the excess holiday weight, assist you in your atonement.

Recently, I read a piece on Medium, Fighting Holiday Food Temptation? Try These 13 Tips. It was written by an author I admire, who writes a lot about happiness and habits, so my normal assumptions and avoidance of such an article weren’t present and I actually read what she had to say. It made me feel compelled to write a rebuttal, which is as follows:

1. Buy as much food as you want, all the kinds you want
2. Make tempting food easy to access
3. Wear comfortable, beautiful clothes that you feel good in
4. Spread the food out on a table with a gorgeous tablecloth and candles, use beautiful dishes
5. Pile your plate with all the food you want to eat, go back for more as many times as you want
6. Add on whatever extras sound delicious
7. Sure, brush your teeth, that’s just good self-care, but if after that, you want another cupcake — eat it!
8. Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full, unless you want more and then you should eat it without guilt
9. Eat as much as you want — you can have whatever you want and there will always be more
10. Always eat hors d’oeuvres, those tiny little beautiful tasty treats are like a party on your plate
11. Obviously, don’t eat food you don’t like or want, d’uh
12. There are no exceptions, you can eat whatever you want
13. There also are no loopholes — eat whatever the fuck you want!

“Something is wrong with you” is the mantra, chanted over and over. Even though I’ve stopped for the most part bullying myself, there are so many other voices still babbling. Every day a new opportunity to disagree, every moment a new confusion to unravel. My whole life becomes a rebuttal.

Project Reverb prompt: “What gave you energy this year? What took away your energy?”

This is a sensitive subject for me. I have struggled with fatigue for almost four years. I’ve gone to various doctors and had many tests to try and determine a specific cause, but no luck. I’ve changed my diet, my thyroid medication, my activity level, and how I sleep. I’ve tried both resting more and being more active. I’ve investigated issues related to my auto-immune disorder, considered perimenopause and adrenal gland fatigue and food allergies. Nothing really seems to answer the question: why am I so tired all the time?

What I do know is that I’m depleted from years of pushing myself too hard, allowing myself to get overwhelmed, going until I crash and burn, not eating when I’m hungry, restricting and denying my hunger, starving and then stuffing myself, suffering and grieving without allowing for healing, being crippled by anxiety and tension, not getting enough sleep — but are these the symptoms or the cause?

I felt the tiniest bit better this year. I am on new thyroid medication. I stopped dieting. I work out less. I’m not as tense so I sleep better. I meditate and practice yoga and take long walks with my dogs. But the real, fundamental change is that I treat myself better, take better care of myself. I am mindful that the true “cure” for me lies in self-compassion. I say “no.” I reject any agenda, all the shoulds. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable or they think it’s wrong or don’t like it, I do what is best for me, my own health and wellness. I don’t need anyone else to agree or understand it. I don’t need anyone else’s permission.

I suppose that’s the fundamental shift: I stopped trying so hard to please, perform, or be perfect. I lowered the bar. I turned my attention inward. I became my own guru, my own healer. Sure I get support and information and even guidance from others, but I am the expert. When it comes to me and what I need, I am the authority.